AIBU to ask what happens in your relationship in an argument ?

[Sockmonster23]

Mine used to say ‘if you don’t like it fucking leave then’ it was his house and we had kids and were not married. One day we had a disagreement and I asked him not to shout like that and he was raging and told me to leave the house, I did and then went back and he done it again and that was when I realised no matter how much you love someone I didn’t deserve that and on top of that that the threat of not seeing my kids as well being called awful names and words that broke me mentally like no one has ever done..

Am I unreasonable to ask what happens with you and your other half if you disagree on something ? What does he do? And what do you do?

Thank you

We talk! And listen. We have always taken it as an absolute given that we live each other, respect each other and would not intentionally cause upset to the other...so if something is wrong we work at what will fix it, compromise, listen more, cuddle which ever of us is upset. It’s very, very rare we argue at all - there’s nothing to argue about.

I argue with my DH all the time, but it's more gentle bickering/griping than actual arguing. Usually one of us will make a comment, the other will rebuff in a sarcastic way, and it might escalate to a few huffs and puffs and one (usually me) calling the other a pain in the arse... and that's about it. It's generally good natured. I don't think arguing in itself is unhealthy, it's how you resolve it afterwards that matters. If it's an issue that actually needs a solution then we'll talk it out afterwards. If it ever got spiteful, swearing, name calling etc, we would have a very serious situation on our hands because I don't want a marriage like that.

We don't argue often, we get frustrated at situations and i get upset that when he has stuff going on he withdraws...but when there is an issue that needs resolving we talk, we address the issues and try to find a resolution that works for us both.

It's not always possible and it's not always a healthy discussion but he has never ever shouted at me, been abusive, made me frightened or wary of him (at least whilst awake - he has violent night terrors but he can't help those)

My wife and I generally get on well.

We occasionally argue, and when we do I say I'm leaving (it is her house). We then calm down, cuddle and make up and forget it.
It is no use holding onto arguments.

Sorry you had to go through that - definitely doesn't have to be that way. We generally talk, go to separate rooms to simmer and think it through, then talk and repeat the process til we've apologised and are friends again

Thanks! Sounds healthy and normal to be honest. my relationships in the past were like most of the comments on here and we talked About it and made up, never name calling at me or making out it was me all the time but my last relationship has left me a little shaken to be honest.

Normally if things get a bit heated (or more likely, sniping and bickering) we go in separate rooms and cool down so nobody says anything we don’t mean, then apologise and talk through why we were upset.

I’m sorry your disagreements descend into nasty name calling and aggression, that’s not the way it should be.

We don't argue that often. We established right at the beginning that due to previous relationships with volatile people we would have an argument safe word. So if there's something brewing and you start bickering about the dishwasher or something and then half an hour later you're screaming, the safe word puts a total bucket of water on it. Everybody shuts up. You both go and cam down for ten minutes. Then you apologise and have some kind of physical contact, it's very hard to be angry when you're hugging or something. Then you either both drop it because it's escalated into something it didn't need to be or you sit down and CALMLY talk it through.

Generally my partner apologises and processes things quicker than I do, it takes me longer to calm down and say sorry.

From past experience in my marriage to ExH, someone who uses the tactic your partner does, won't change. And it's a horrible place to exist in.

We had some humdingers in the early days - i was worse than him, shouting that he didn't care about me or whatever. He's not into arguing which made me more angry as I thought it showed he didn't give a shit.

I'd huff for a couple of days then we'd be done.

Now we rarely have cross words, nowt left to argue about i suppose. Ill call him a dick under my breath if he does something that annoys me.

We love the bones of each other.

Normally if things get a bit heated (or more likely, sniping and bickering) we go in separate rooms and cool down so nobody says anything we don’t mean, then apologise and talk through why we were upset

This for us too.

The talking through usually involves him spending time gently coaxing out of me what is actually wrong. It is inevitably not what we have been arguing about and he has a sixth sense for that.