Feeling frustrated with a friend with mental health issues

[spaghettihoops16]

AIBU? I'm not sure but it's how I'm feeling and I'm asking for help please.

I have a friend who suffers from PTSD, depression and anxiety. I like her a lot, she's a great friend but I'm finding it so draining having to rally around and try and keep her sprits up, especially when I also have my own issues. She's very aware of my situation but hers always take priority because granted, it's worse. She's medicated, has a therapist and has been hospitalized in the past.

I feel like a terrible friend. I hate to say it but if I'm totally honest, I'm becoming irritated and I'm getting to the stage when I think, why do I bother? It's feeling very one sided. I give, give, give with very little thought to how I'm doing in return. She's the only person I've told my situation to - done during a deep conversation whilst I was trying to relate to hers.

I don't want to feel like this but it's the truth. I want to be a good friend but running out of steam, especially when trying to keep my own head above water.

How to I balance being a good friend and not feeling the resentment building inside me?

You need to set personal boundaries.

Are you ready to risk a friendship- if so can you explain how you feel?

Step back.

What makes HER a good friend to you?

Watching with interest as I am in the same predicament.

My sister is completely the same. It became so draining for me. We fell out 3 weeks ago (not mental health related) and we haven't spoken since. It sounds awful but I feel "lighter" and less anxious- difference is, she was good at putting me down while I supported her.

With your friend, you do need to step back & focus on yourself. Sometimes your stuff needs to come first. She has a Therapist, so she can work it through with them & you don't. If she doesn't understand, she isn't worth having as a friend.

Look after yourself.

Also watching with interest....

She sounds like me. Ask her to only talk about her constructive ideas to you rather than her anxieties.

Its ok to take a step back, you can still support her and be a good friend and not let her life take over yours. Limit how often you see her and talk to her, it might take a bit of trial and error to get the right balance for you. While you probably feel like you need to put her needs above your own because of her circumstances, remember you can't pour from an empty cup. And don't forget to take care of yourself.

You are right about one thing. You are not being a good friend. You are being her community carer instead.

I don't see how this is a friendship. Give and take is the bedrock of friendships.

You don't have to be her therapist any more if you don't want. She changed the relationship away from friendship, not you.

She's not doing anything wrong. The problem is that she is the only one you have to talk to. You need to find someone else to talk to and who can help you.

In all honesty, it's never a great idea to rely solely on one person. No one person can be everything to you. She can't be everything for you, or anything at all at the moment, in all honesty. And you don't have to be everything to her either. Does she have anyone else to confide in?

I am someone who has struggled with mh issues and I feel terrible that in the past, I really leaned on my friends and became a burden.

I try not to these days. It's not up to friends to try to solve each other's problems.

How to I balance being a good friend and not feeling the resentment building inside me? If the friendship is all you giving and her taking, I don't think you can. I've been in a similar situation and I just had to step back from the friendship. I still care about my friend and worry that she's ok, but every time I try and reignite the friendship, we just fall into old patterns of her being completely focused on herself and having no interest in me or my life. I treat her a bit like an elderly aunt now, someone I check in with occasionally to see if she's ok, needs help etc, but who I have no expectations of anything back in return.

As someone who also struggles with depression, anxiety and ptsd I have to say definetely take a step back. You've listened when you needed to at the beginning and been a good friend, and still are, but for your own wellbeing you have to look after number one as well'
I've also been the one to be dragged down as it were by listening to good friends problems with depression etc and it does take its toll on your own mental health.
I had to say, and have had it said to me, Ive listened, i've given advice, i've been there for you now let's change the subject. Difficult but if she is a good friend she'll understand when the fog lifts.
Be good to yourself and detatch for a while and get someone to listen to you for a change. It was a learning curve for me but now with better understanding of how depression etc works from both sides me and my friends are better for it. Good luck and look after YOU.

It is not your responsibility to keep her spirits up.

You have given her a safe place to talk about what is going on inside her but that can cause a crutch. You need to guide her away from endless rumination to ways in which she can effect her illness.

She is stuck, you are stuck, try changing the record.

Friendship has to be mutually satisfactory otherwise it's something else, like care or charity.

I suffer from severe mental health problems, and I do worry that my friends feel this way about me.

I think stepping back and setting boundaries would be good for you both. She needs to find other friends and support services to rely on, not just one person.

Please do it gently though, and don't give up on the friendship completely. Just be a bit less available, take longer to reply to texts, leave it longer between meet ups etc. Don't dump her completely or make a big thing out of it.

You could also try and do an activity that has a focus (harder at the moment, normally I'd suggest the cinema) so you aren't just talking about her problems all the time. Has she got any hobbies you could encourage and do with her?

Listening to someone's problems isn't that helpful if it's the same stuff over and over again. Actually what they're doing is ruminating, which is making their mh worse. It's healthy to find other things to do together.

People with mental health issues are very draining to be around. It’s all about them and their problems and it takes a heavy emotional toll on you.

Could we perhaps not generalise? I have a close relative who suffers from MH issues and though she can get a bit obsessive during an actual episode, she is actually the kindest, most considerate person otherwise, and is always ready to be there for her friends and support them. With her, I think the clue is self-awareness: she knows that friendships can't be one-sided so makes sure she banks enough support when she is up to it to be able to ask for help when she isn't. I would hate for her to be cold-shouldered because someone on the internet has decided that "people with MH issues are draining to be around".

*Cory
*
Thanks so much for saying that, it's given me a boost! I really hope my friends see me the way that you see your friend, because it's exactly how I try to be.

It's really upsetting seeing those generalised comments applied to all MH sufferers, because it feels like no one would ever want to be my friend, they just feel sorry for me.

It's worth saying that most of the people in my life wouldn't know how much I've struggled, because I'm not symptomatic at the moment and I don't talk about it all the time.

corythatwas and withgraceinmyheart I think your comments are really important. I put up with a lot of poor behaviour from my friend because she has anxiety and depression and I felt I had to be tolerant but actually its about the person not the illness. People can have mental health problems and still try to be a good friend, and as Cory says, have a level of self-awareness about their impact on others.

Cory Ive just realised I said friend when you clearly said close relative, apologies!

Paws thank you. I agree, it's about the person not the illness. I think there are probably people with physical illnesses who talk them all the time and are 'draining', and people with no health problems who moan a lot about whatever's going on.