Lockdown has provided perspective.
I now find myself reluctant to meet the in laws and I have the time to ponder why.
I have realised that I think my mil is being manipulative and mean and I have been too dense to put my finger on it all this time. Here are some examples for you to judge:
When ever she came over she would make a point of telling me how sorry she feels for me and how awful things must be for me. This was usually because she had gone to the toilet and found a seat up, or because someone was telling silly burp jokes after dinner... Boy stuff that goes with the terrain of boys but is not mean or naughty just slip ups because they are excited to have visitors. She would usually say this sort of thing in front of the family at dinner or when we are all together and it would d be accompanied her grimacing or moving her chair up a bit.
I always brushed it away as her trying to sympathise with me living with a houseful of boys but actually now it seems like a really mean put down! I feel bad for my boys I didn't say something before!
She says to dh in front of the whole family that he is obviously on the spectrum. She means he is autistic and she says it when she disapproves of something he says or does. He is not autistic and is in his 40s but over the past 5 years or so she keeps bringing this up. It's meant unkindly isn't it?
There have been several occasions when she tries to make an arrangement to come over but on all the dates we suggest she replies no she is already visiting x y z. So we offer alternatives and she says no that would interfere with her regular visits to dh sibling2 or 3 and so on. Its like she actually wants to discuss how she is too busy to visit rather than actually visit. Dh has actually got fed up with this and hasn't been trying to arrange anything for quite a while, since before lockdown, and recently she has started a new thing. She miss calls me and when i return the call she makes a big thing about saying oh sorry I didn't mean to call you or speak to you I was calling dhs sister etc. I thought nothing of this on each occasion as I don't really care who she did or didn't mean to call but having thought about the above it feels like part of the same mind game.
So my question is
Yanbu to have a lockdown revelation that for the past 10 years of marriage she has actually been mean and chipping away at our self esteem.
Or
Aibu spinning a story because I am bored and over thinking it all.