Acquaintances encouraging DD 15 to drink

[krustykittens]

Hi everyone, I don't know if I am overreacting but would like to get another perspective. DD15 is a very shy girl who struggles to make friends but she has one friend who is lovely. So are her parents and siblings from what I have seen and there have been no problems until recently. DD stayed overnight at her friends house with some other friends and everyone but her was drinking vodka and coke, with her friend's parents blessing. DD doesn't actually like the taste of alcohol, won't even drink a glass of bucks fizz at Christmas and there was a bit of teasing but nothing nasty. Last night she was invited to a BBQ at her friends house and everyone was drinking, adults along with children. She was again offered a vodka and coke by her friend's mother and when she refused, other adults at the BBQ then started teasing her and putting pressure on her to drink. I know it is perfectly common for people to give others a ribbing for not drinking and very rarely is there malice intended but it makes me very uncomfortable that adults would pressure a minor to drink. I don't know the other adults that were there, it makes me feel uncomfortable, and my first thought is to stop her going round there. But then that would be like punishing DD for telling me, which might put her off telling me anything else in the future and she was confident enough to stand her ground and say, 'no'. I also don't want to interfere with the one good friendship she has. I drink socially myself but wouldn't offer anyone under the age of 18 alcohol without their parents permission and even then it would be a beer, not vodka! But plenty of people do let their kids drink at home and they don't all turn out to be alchies! But I feel really uncomfortable and I don't know why. Guide me!

Your dds dealt with it. Well done to her. I don't really see an issue tbh.

Ironically enough, DD18 has hit the roof and is telling me that I will be a bad parent if I do not bar her from her friend's house, at least in the evenings. She is rather protective of her little sister!

Lots of 15 year olds drink, it's not uncommon. But if she doesn't want to, she just says no. I don't agree with the teasing/putting pressure on but like the previous poster said, she handled it.

RedHelenBB This is what I am thinking. I really do not want her to stop talking to me and I don't know why I feel uncomfortable. It's silly really. Friend's parents are lovely people who just parent differently.

I’m 35 and have never ever enjoyed drinking - at parties I used to pretend I had vodka in coke or orange juice to avoid the pressure. I’ve no idea why some people, even adults I encounter now, act like you’re some kind of massive bore for not enjoying the taste of a certain substance. It’s no one’s business why someone doesn’t drink and it really irritates me when people are pressured to. Nothing at all against people who drink, my DM enjoys a glass of wine, but I do see the same attitudes of ‘ah you not drinking? Don’t be boring!’ the same now as I did as a teen. Good for your DD for standing her ground!

I understand your discomfort krustykittens, but you should be pleased that you have raised a dd who is confident enough in her own choices to not feel intimidated. I would be proud of her rather than worried.

There was another thread running yesterday about bringing up our dc to be assertive rather than "people pleasers" and I was mocked for saying you can be assertive, and confident, without having to swear at people. Seems like your dd could teach some of those posters a thing or two, too.

I was never into drinking but did at that age at family bbqs. It was a safe environment for me to do so, but of course I was with my own family, not someone else's. I think the point here is her wishes not being respected, not the encouraging to drink because to be honest I wouldn't have an issue with that, it's been normal for most people I know at that age. Make sure she is speaking up for herself and tell her to just say "no, thank you" every time. They'll get bored eventually. Or get her to tease them back and have a laugh, being a shy girl myself I've found the absolute worst thing you can do when someone is teasing is to stay quiet and be embarrassed, you have to laugh it off and join in with some kind of banter.

While you’re not unreasonable at all, I would just deal with it on your daughters side I’d praise her for standing her ground and not giving in to peer pressure and use it as a learning tool to show that some people will pressure you to do things you don’t want to but it’s great that your daughter has the tools to stand her ground. Just really build her up over this so this memory is a positive one about standing her ground not drunk twats jeering at her.

If your daughter wants you to have a quiet word with the mum saying please don’t offer any more booze as your daughter doesn’t drink.

Your dd did well to say no and stick to it. That's a great skill to have now and in the future.

Your other dd is wrong imo. I'd be telling my dd2 that she was welcome to use me as the reason not to drink but it's up to her how to deal with things. By supporting her rather than pulling the parent card and banning her from going, you are showing your trust her judgement by allowing her to choose.

I think I would be less uncomfortable if I had known the people telling her to have a drink, if you get what I mean. Men I don't know telling her to sup up makes me shudder. Oh, things were so much easier when they were toddlers and I could tie them to me!

Thanks everyone for replying and yes, I am VERY proud of her for being confident enough to stick up for herself. She is quiet and shy but very strong willed.

I get very cross at anybody being pressured to drink, let alone a 15 year old. Well done her for sticking to her guns, but what about those that are more susceptible to the pressure? They may even have reasons (eg medication) why they shouldn't be drinking, and many teenagers would give in to conform.

I think I would want to say to friend's parents that you're concerned that some of the people there were trying to pressure her to have a drink, and that you hope that if that happens another time they might put a stop to it.

I remember being on holiday with my ex and some of his friends, I’d have been about 20. We had a villa and so had hired cars, and some of the friends were driving to a shop to get booze. They would absolutely not accept that I just didn’t fancy anything to drink - are you pregnant, are you on antibiotics, are you sure you don’t want some wine? What about cider? AAARGH. It was so annoying. And another time at uni I had a whole room of people chanting this song at me to drink! It was mostly good natured but Jesus, no means no! It’s all so strange to me that some people care so deeply about what other people drink (or don’t drink!) I’m honestly not boring, I stay up chatting and dancing and everything else at parties, I just don’t like the taste of anything alcoholic.

One of my teens doesn’t like alcohol and has had a lot of this over the years. Even her dad mentioned she might enjoy parties more if she had a few 🤦‍♀️. Well done to your DD sticking to her guns.

Why not ask her if she wants you to do anything? It might be she just told you because she is naturally that open and honest or it might be because she had a bit of a miserable night and she didn't enjoy it. Would she like you to have a word with the parents and just say "DD absolutely loves visiting but she felt a bit uncomfortable about being offered alcohol repeatedly - she really doesn't like to drink, so can you just have a word in future if people are putting the pressure on?" (Totally friendly, not blaming them). But ask your DD if she wants you to have that conversation. She might not want anything done in which case I'd leave her to it as she's obviously confident enough to look after herself.