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Original poster

Parent working at school - favouritism

46 replies

Titsend · 09/08/2020 11:19

This happened with my Dd's friend (let's call her Lucy). I wouldn't have a problem with it but she got so much special treatment and favouritism for stupid things. Her mum was friends with her Lucy's and my Dd's teacher and would always nip out for words with her about various things. The teacher would let Lucy skip lesson to go to the school office and borrow Vaseline from her mum. She would always reserve seats at the front of any school play for her and her friends. My Dd got second by a wide margin in a sports day but they awarded Lucy second because her mum was judging. My Dd got fourth instead. Lucy always got to do jobs (organising things at break with friends chosen by her mum). My Dd unintentionally hut Lucy by saying she wasn't ready to sing for the school play in a really nice text trying not to hurt her feelings and the teacher got really mad a my Dd because Lucy was crying. Gave my Dd a shit role because she got so nervous her teacher was going to judge her for apparently "blowing Lucy off" and ran off after one verse. Lucy's mum also had contact via Facebook with other teachers and was always telling them that "Lucy is working hard at this so can you do x activity so she can show you?"
The teachers always view Lucy as more worthwhile of attention.
Things like this really piss me off - but is it unreasonable behaviour or normal at schools?

OP posts:

rosiejaune · 09/08/2020 15:16

@MitziK

My Dd unintentionally hut Lucy by saying she wasn't ready to sing for the school play in a really nice text trying not to hurt her feelings and the teacher got really mad a my Dd because Lucy was crying

That's bullying, whoever is the parent of the child who gets a message like that.

You are misunderstanding the situation.

It sounds like the two girls had been intending to audition together, but because they hadn't practised, the OP's daughter didn't feel ready to sing so told Lucy she didn't want to do it.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2020 17:27

Your post doesn't show you in a good light, which may or may not be the case.

I have seen this from both sides - children who are favoured because of nepotism, but also parents who blame their own child's lack of talent on absolutely anything they can think of other than their own child.

Cheesypea · 09/08/2020 17:31

Seeing as we've all had big break from school you sound over invested in events that must have happened ages ago.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 09/08/2020 17:32

I was a teacher's kid and my granddaughter is the school nurse's kid. One reason we get chosen by the teachers to do things is that they know we will be there and be on time. Chorus rehearsals start half an hour before school. No problem! Teachers are there an hour early and so are the kids. Need someone to set out art materials or stack books after class. Teachers have to stay and so do their kids.

adognamedhog · 09/08/2020 17:40

It depends on the children, the teachers, the school and also the other parents I think. Dd had probs with a teacher's child. The boundaries were so blurred for the child. Teachers told her off then took her for milkshakes, all the mums ran around trying to have her to play so they could be besties with her mum. Headteacher would hear no wrong of her as presumably she worried about rocking the boat. Always got what she wanted but more because of the actions of those around her rather than because of her mum per se. The arrangement didn't help the poor child. She completely crashed at secondary. Fortunately she picked herself up and is a lovely teenager.

x2boys · 09/08/2020 18:00

Yes we had this all the way through primary school with Ds1 the Deputy head teachers daughter and one of the teaching assistants Son's was in his class and they got picked for everything ,even the play at the end of year six they had the main parts ,but tbh I don't think it will do them any good other then an inflated sense of self importance and of course all that changes at secondary school .

Orchidsindoors · 09/08/2020 18:15

This definately happened at my kids school. Teachers kids got all the best parts in school plays, their families got the first few rows reserved for them. Everyone was told kids could only run in 2 races at sports day, but the teachers kids always got to do 4. The list went on really.

bobblesandbows · 09/08/2020 18:26

I am a specialist teacher at my children's school. I teach the whole school. I had a chat with each of my children before they started school that in school I am not mummy, I am their teacher, especially during the half hour a week when I actually teach their class. I also told them that I probably won't choose them to do much in front of the class because it would look like I was only choosing them because they are my child (but that before school starts and after school they can play with the specialist equipment while I'm setting up). However, I've been doing this for a long time now so I hope / think I do have the balance right. I do let them answer questions and if other children have had a go a something in front of the class, I do sometimes choose them too. The funny thing was that when my oldest was in nursery, 7 years ago, they chose 3 children to hold something up at the end of year show and one of them was my child. I nearly talked to them and asked them to remove her but another teacher told me to leave it - it had been nothing to do with me at all. But I did make a point of mentioning it to other parents in the class whenever I could bring it up, that it had been nothing to do with me and I'd almost asked them to pull her out! If I have to talk to one of my children's teachers, I make it clear that I am doing so as a parent - what happens in the staffroom, stays in the staffroom and they know it - I'd never survive otherwise. The only thing is, sometimes I do think the other parents treat me a bit differently - they either want to know the inside gossip (which I wouldn't ever tell) or they expect me to make sure their child gets special treatment (I'm not interested - their child will do what they do based on their individual merit!).

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2020 18:26

But @Orchidsindoors that isn't necessarily favouritism. In fact, it could be the complete opposite.
Eg a teacher putting on a primary school play needs to be able to trust that their lead role will learn the lines, and will be there. They can 100% guarantee that with their own kid, anything else is a risk.
The sports day example. I guess someone pulled out at the last moment and they made their own kid fill in to make up numbers. I don't know. I'm just thinking it's very very unlikely teachers are thinking 'i know how to give my kids the best start in life. Let's give them the best roles undeserved. That'll make them popular.' Highly unlikely.

arethereanyleftatall · 09/08/2020 18:26

bobblesandbows · 09/08/2020 18:28

Thinking about it, several of my colleagues - both teaching and admin staff - have children at school as well, so I think the school must be used to it. We are all as careful with boundaries as we can possibly be.

Orchidsindoors · 09/08/2020 18:36

"But@Orchidsindoorsthat isn't necessarily favouritism. In fact, it could be the complete opposite.
Eg a teacher putting on a primary school play needs to be able to trust that their lead role will learn the lines, and will be there. They can 100% guarantee that with their own kid, anything else is a risk.
The sports day example. I guess someone pulled out at the last moment and they made their own kid fill in to make up numbers. I don't know. I'm just thinking it's very very unlikely teachers are thinking 'i know how to give my kids the best start in life. Let's give them the best roles undeserved. That'll make them popular.' Highly unlikely."

How do know other kids cant do it unless you give them a try. The sports day one lots of parents asked for their children to do more races and were refused, but every single year, there were the teachers kids doing more. I'm not talking one teachers kid here, there were loads.

slipperywhensparticus · 09/08/2020 18:37

My son was bullied for about 9 years nothing was done because the mum was lovely 😍 basically she worked at the school and cried to the head teacher thst her poor son was outcast because he younger and they tried soo hard and it WASN'T FAIR he just wanted to be friends

So he bullied son for years and each year at parents evening I had to have the move that little bastard away from my son conversation oh? I thought he wanted to be friends he ASKED to sit there 🤔

New head teacher came in he got suspended within three months mum was "horrified" everyone else was relieved

ChocolateOO · 09/08/2020 18:51

There's one at my DD school. Her daughter is in year one. My daughter is in reception. Not long after DD started I was holding her hand dropping her off on the morning. This kid was with her mum and had made pictures for her old teachers. So the teachers were too busy fussing her and not greeting the new kids. Then on parents evening she baked a box of cakes for the staff. We was waiting to as the head where to go. She was busy talking to this mum. I felt like a pain in the arse for needing her help. She's now bagged a job at the school.

Her child seems to always be in the paper on special days. She's always goes one step further with costumes etc.

Can see she's a teacher's pet lol!!!

PhilSwagielka · 09/08/2020 18:58

Wow, it's like a real life version of all those Chalet School books where the Maynard/Bettany/Russell families get all the good jobs, parts in plays etc! I had a friend in high school whose mum was a PE teacher and she was the opposite, she picked on my friend rather than favouring her. I guess she was worried about favouritism.

ScorpioSphinxInACalicoDress · 09/08/2020 19:05

How do you even know all this? Do you and your DD sit and snipe about Lucy all day?
Also a bit confused as you said Lucy's mum is friends with the teacher then said Lucy gets sent to the office to borrow vaseline from her. Her who? Who is in the office? Lucy's Mum? So she also works at the school and is friends with Lucy's teacher?
Also not clear about the singing thing. I fervently hope it was your DD telling Lucy she (your DD) didn't want to and not your DD telling Lucy she wasn't ready.

How do you have time for all this in-school angst?

I work at dd's school and because I've been there for five years longer than DD I have made some friends there. Some of whom teach DD, like I teach my friend's kids.

I'm too busy doing my job to ask favours or give them tbh.

lyralalala · 09/08/2020 19:22

@PhilSwagielka

This is certainly more common in my experience of working in schools.

I ended up having to a have a word with my HT once about my DD's teacher as she was just taking her "must be seen not to favour" tactics way too far.

When I was a kid I lost a part in the school play because of a comment made by another parent. They commented that I'd obviously got the part because my Nan was helping with the play. Instead of explaining to the parent that, actually, my Nan was helping more because I'd got the part (but actually helped every year) they asked me as an "understanding girl" to see how it looked and step down. Nan never helped again, but I never auditioned again.

Pixxie7 · 09/08/2020 19:44

I don’t think children should go to a school where their parents teach, it’s not fair on the child and I think hinders their social development.

mrsBtheparker · 09/08/2020 20:26

Totally the reverse of my children's experience, they were always at the end of the queue because their Daddy, and for a while their Mummy, taught in the school! They always got the rotten roles in plays because he didn't want to be accused of favouritism.

SpeedofaSloth · 09/08/2020 20:57

YANBU OP, I saw this at my DS' primary school.

calllaaalllaaammma · 09/08/2020 21:20

I didn't know this was a thing until my DD moved to a new primary which was a Church school with two pupils who were teacher's children.
They got every lead in the 6 school plays, and in one play one of the children had two lead roles!

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