Anyone else realised they spent their youth trying to gain approval from parents...and regretted it?

[malificent7]

My parents...bless em, only wanted the best for me. Good grades, to become a doctor....i got good grades but didn't become a doctor. I think my mum and dad were gutted they weren't doctors so wanted it for me. Dsis is a doctor.
The disappointment was palpable and i spent ages afterwards trying to scrape together approval....unsuccesfully. it had an effect on my mental health.
Fast foward 20 years and i am retraining in a medical field ( not doctor) and although i enjoy it....my true passion is art. I intend to do it on the side.
Mum is long dead but dad is quite proud now. However, my dad was very arty and turned down art school as it was a " long shot." He now spends his retirement doing art.As he felt it was a " long shot" he discouraged me.

Aibu to think..
a).i dont need my dad's approval.
b) focussing on a particular career for your kids is controlling and weird.
c) you cannot live your career dreams through your kids.
d) to encourage dd to go for the so called. " long shots" in life when young as it only gets harder with age.
e) to wonder why we care what our parents think over the age of 18?

I was pushed into doing the wrong Alevels. Which limited my uni choice so I ended up getting a mediocre degree in a totally unsuited subject. I'm now pretty much unemployable.

My mum was desperate for me to become a teacher, thank God I didn't, I would have hated it, but she still remains disappointed and talks about it often

I realised when I was in my mid-twenties that there was no point in trying to live my life to keep her happy and it was like a huge weight lifted from me. My sister still tries to get her approval and gets upset when her achievements aren't recognised. I'm so much happier not caring

YANBU at all OP.

I pretty much just did my own thing & got used to being the disappointment in the family. My DPs are now both long gone, but a friend of mine is constantly worrying what her DM will think about this that & the other. She has recently changed her job (and career slightly but not totally) and her biggest worry was “how do I tell mum. She won’t be happy.” I feel as though I’m constantly reminding her she’s 35 years old. Mum’s approval may be nice but she really doesn’t need it anymore!

yanbu
once I realised that my parents can't be pleased for me and my choices it was liberating.
for my own dc we give them opportunities so they can make their own choices in the future.

Glad I am not alone on this.....i want dd to be happy. It is hard as i know i need to take responsibility for my own life but to swim against a tide of disapproval as a youngster is hard.

I can empathise OP. I had parents who sulked if I didn’t do as they suggested. It was easier to acquiesce because they’d drone on and on. Sometimes the suggestions were good, sometimes bad - but that’s not the point. You shouldn’t micromanage your kids.

My parents were the same. Took me 27 years to relieze I don’t need their approval and now they seem to be happy regardless of what choices I make as we have a lengthy discussion over it and how it impacted my mental health.

It is one thing to encourage to do well but to focus on being a doctor or lawyer above everything else is just...well...bizarre.

My parents had no clue.

I would have liked a bit of good career advice tbh!

my mother still tries to get me together with a more 'suitable' man.
I've been happily married for more than 20 years...

Completely agree. I never really get the idea of wanting your child to be in a certain profession, is it so that they can boast to their friends, or that they genuinely feel it would make their DC happy? I guess maybe because we have a lot of doctors, vets, lawyers, teachers in our extended family- some love it, some completely hate it, many have left professions that seem desired by others because they’re unhappy- it just doesn’t seem a desired goal to me- unless it’s what your child really wants of course, which is fine. Am determined to encourage my children to follow their passions, whatever they may be, and for them to know my love for them is unconditional on the path they choose to take in life.

My DM is like this, always saying to me how much better my life would have been better if i had followed her plans. Even though I got a degree and a good job. She has never said she is proud of my achivements although she will boast to anyone who will listen about me getting the degree and how important my job is. She realises she does not have the same power over her grandchildren, but will 'upgrade' their jobs from say 'supervisor to area manager' or will tell people about their old job rather than their new job as the old one sounds better. Which is her way of telling us that she is dissapointed in them.