Struggling to cope with sectioned mum

[Kayjaychi]

Quite nervous about this post but not sure why...but thank you for taking the time to read - it’s a long one!

My mum has just been sectioned for the third time in three years. Each time she has had psychosis which has been brought on by excessive use of cannabis. The last two times she has come out of hospital (the last was only 6 weeks ago) she has promised the family that she will only smoke it casually and never self medicate again.

A bit of background... she went through a very difficult divorce with my step dad around five years ago (who I no longer talk to as he was very controlling with my mum and also treated me like shit when I was growing up). I am an only child though thankfully have youngish grandparents who have supported me through all this and we have all been there for my mum. At the detriment of our own mental health.

The problem is that each time she has gone in to hospital she has been verbally abusive to the extreme. Calling us the most hideous names for ‘locking her in there’ and posting disgusting things about us on Facebook. Before she was sectioned this time I was calling the crisis team for two weeks (25 times in one day at one point) begging them to give her mental health act assessments or some immediate help. They eventually obliged and she refused to engage with the crisis team and therefore had to be sectioned on a 136 to get her to a place of safety. It was all very dramatic and stressful. Meanwhile I live around 1.5 hours away and am trying to cope with a very demanding and stressful full time job.

I do love my mum and for the most part we have a good relationship but she has always used me as an emotional crutch and has massively overshared and uses me as her social life a lot of the time. Always asking when I am next visiting and hates it when I have to go home. She also complains a lot about illnesses that she claims to have. A few months ago she asked me who I love more, her or my partner of 10.5 years which I thought was an odd comment but as I said she has probably never been 100% mental health wise.

The final straw for me came last night when my partner looked at his phone and had 74 Facebook notifications from my mum saying the most nastiest things (he won’t tell me what as he said it will upset me too much). I was so angry this morning but still did a 4 hour round trip to drop her some things off at the hospital and then had around 10 missed calls and nasty messages asking why I didn’t come in to see her and that me and all the family need to stay out of her life and we are all interfering c*nts (as we got her the help). So I have blocked her from everything now as I just can’t cope anymore and have been suffering from anxiety and panic attacks.

I’m just wondering if anyone has experienced similar and has any advice or reassurance? Thanks again for reading.

P.s I’m not sure why there is a vote I must have selected it by accident. This is my first time posting and I’m not quite sure what I’m doing 😂

Oh OP, that sounds so stressful and traumatic your mum is very unwell but at the same time she has no right to treat you this way. It sounds like blocking her was a good idea for the time being, and taking a step back for the sake of your own mental health. You cannot save her from her self-destructive behaviour and you have your own life to live- don't let her drag you down with her

I've had two brothers who have been sectioned with psychosis multiple times. It's crap and difficult. I think as she is currently sectioned I would put the nasty messages down to illness. When my brother's are ill they always say loads of nasty things about my stepdad (which aren't true) and they are very demanding and never believe there is anything wrong with them.

Maybe, take a break for a while. Set yourself a specific time frame maybe?

I think I'd be inclined not to have her as a friend on SM. She can still text using SMS or call you. Your situation sounds really tough and you need to allow yourself to take back some control.

Well what help is she engaging with to stop smoking cannabis?

At the very least she is going to need to swap out the "self medication" for something else. Be it alcohol or Prozac, she's not going to just stop her addiction, when the underlying emotional problem is still there.

I'd be questioning the entire thing to be honest. She's an adult. She's responsible for her own decisions. You're not.

I too think you have to ignore the nasty messages for the moment and see it as part of her illness. Try not to take it personally.

Are her MH team aware of this behaviour? If not make sure they are when you get a chance. They will talk to her about it when she's a bit better and that might help.

Having said that, your main job now is to have a good hard think. You need to decide where your own boundaries lie. What do you consider your duty and that you must do? And what will you not do or enable your mum to do?

Living with someone with massive needs and dram like this in your life is not easy. It can go on for decades and destroy your own family relationships, career and life.

The only way for that not to happen, and start to resent them and even hate them in the process, is to put those boundaries down and feel okay about it without guilt.

That gives you a long-term coping strategy which means you don't end up walking away completely and for good. It will also give your mum a realistic idea of what she has to take responsibility for.

*dram=drama

Thank you all for your responses. You are all spot on.

@madroid, you are right. Think I need to have a long hard think about the boundaries I need to put in place so that I don’t let this consume me again. For the past few months i have just been non stop worrying about the situation and it is really affecting my life. I will always be there for my mum but I need to take a step back and put some boundaries in place in regards to what I can and can’t do.

i would come off sm for a while you know she is safe now she is sectioned so take some time out for you and your partner. if you keep on taking in all this you will end up in hospital yourself. you need to have some time for yourself

kayjaychi you have my sympathies dealing with ill relatives who you love very much is so difficult and very draining. My Dad is very ill physically and the combination of drugs used to treat him can at times mean he is very angry and nothing I do to help is right. That huge journey time and headspace thinking about them and their needs can be exhausting. I found the Out if the Fog website useful even though it is aimed at family members of people with personality disorders it is really good at helping you create healthy boundaries. <a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=outofthefog.website/&ved=2ahUKEwil8qfTy43rAhXoSxUIHTWgCDcQFjAAegQIBxAD&usg=AOvVaw2mLwl0teUb7HLFyoHCf_69" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=outofthefog.website/&ved=2ahUKEwil8qfTy43rAhXoSxUIHTWgCDcQFjAAegQIBxAD&usg=AOvVaw2mLwl0teUb7HLFyoHCf_69

Just an update on this and looking for further advice if possible. From my last post I have still blocked my mum but have been in regular contact with the hospital who have told me she is still very agitated but seems to be a bit better. Then all of a sudden on Wednesday they informed me she is being discharged on Tuesday! I received some messages from her last night on WhatsApp (didn’t realise she wasn’t blocked on there) to say that she has been taken off section and will be home next week and she hopes I am well. I didn’t respond as I still feel very emotional and anxious about the situation then this morning I looked at my phone and had 30 notifications on WhatsApp off her at 2am giving me abuse saying she will never forgive the family for the way she was sectioned and that I am a silly little btch who is thick as sht.

I have phoned the hospital this morning and have told them that I think she needs further treatment...the nurse agreed and said she will speak to the doctor. I have now blocked her on WhatsApp and don’t really know where to go from here. In all honesty the last few weeks have been relief not having to panic every time I see my phone light. But on the other hand she hasn’t really got anyone else because of how she’s been.

Thanks for reading.

@Kayjaychi
Am so sorry you are going through this. Are you able to speak to her doctor directly about her behaviour? Might have more impact than through the nursing team.

My DM is currently in a psychiatric unit and it would be my worst nightmare to have her suddenly discharged. Fortunately I have reassurance from the whole team it will be done only when the time is right and managed in a highly controlled way. Thinking of you

Thanks for responding @DorsetCamping. I’m going to give them a call tomorrow and ask to speak to the doctor. We have also informed her social worker now and asked that she is offered a care assessment before she leaves. Whether she accepts the help is her choice I guess but hopefully she will as she needs professional support and we as a family need assistance. Hope your mum is getting better.