AIBU to think there isn’t enough coverage of domestic violence?

[Regretsy]

I don’t know if this is just me being a bit news blind, but I feel like if it wasn’t for mumsnet I wouldn’t be aware of how much domestic violence goes on. Does anyone else think it’s shocking how many women and children are killed and not enough is done about it?
In this NYT article published a month ago 26 people had been murdered by men they knew in uk lockdown alone.

www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/07/02/world/europe/uk-coronavirus-domestic-abuse.html
Isn’t that shocking? Why isn’t this on the news more? (Obviously because of the patriarchy but I’m annoyed!).
This has been sparked for me as the other day me and DP we’re having a discussion where he said he didn’t think the patriarchy was a problem anymore 🤨. So I quickly googled the domestic violence statistics for him. I consider him a bit of a feminist ally so it surprised me he didn’t realise this.

I feel like I want to help but so powerless. I’m poor and don’t know anyone in power. Aside from regularly telling women to LTB here, what can I do?
Or do I just shut up and accept some people are horrible?
I realise there are new laws etc and things are being done behind the scenes, but I feel like there needs to be more awareness. AIBU?

I think both genders need to know the signs of emotional and physical abuse and where to get help. Also to ensure they remain financially independent so they aren’t reliant on a partner to fund them.

Sexes... Both sexes need to know much more about domestic violence.

And we need to stop being prissy about naming the cohort of people who are the perpetrators or dissuade them from coming forward.to press charges. Men are victims, nobody wants to obscure that fact. But men are also the vast majority of the perpetrators!

Toads... you can see where I added a bit, in completely the wrong place!!!

Sorry.

Are you asking why it's not in the news more? I always thought that was to protect the identity of any children that could be involved...I might be wrong

Both sexes might be at risk but they are at risk very differently. I work in social housing and I have at least three active cases where we have to move women and children because of it. At least 10 where we suspect violence against women by men (and there are police attendances), several financial abuse ones, all male to female, and one where the man is reporting abuse by a woman. In this case the neighbours are reporting the opposite. Twice recently women (and children) have had to move hundreds of miles because of a credible threat of murder.

I have witnessed female to male partner physical violence once in 30 years in housing. Know of one definite one I didn't witness (however, he'd been convicted before her). Never had to move a man.

It's not the same. Not in any way.

I totally understand where you are coming from.

The older l get the more l hear of domestic violence.

I think women need to report and publically shame the perpertrators, I also realise sometimes the roles are reversed, but it is a fact it is hugely more common men being violent towards women.

Personally l think it will only change when there is a culture of name and shame. Every person man or woman, needs to stand up and expose violent individuals and we all need to condemn it until the secrecy is a thing of the past.

Violent men hide effectively as people keep quiet about their behavior, including brothers, fathers, colleagues etc as well as the women affected.

The secrecy has to stop, the excuses have to stop, and for that to happen everyone who knows an abuser needs to expose their behavior. Hopefully then there will start to be a cultural shift in attitudes.

@formerbabe

Are you asking why it's not in the news more? I always thought that was to protect the identity of any children that could be involved...I might be wrong

This is a really good point and didn’t think of this.

@Dragongirl10 I hope so. I hope women are becoming less oppressed and therefore more enabled to call out their attackers.
That article was pretty damning though, the UK is so far behind providing help for women who need it in these situations.
And yes agree with pp it is a much bigger problem for women and children, just looking at the statistics.
It’s that thing of (in heterosexual relationships) men’s greatest fear is being rejected, but women‘s is of being killed.

Women who detail their domestic violence to police, family court, ss and cafcass find themselves labelled as liars, trouble makers and whingers. Even those in authority who are sympathetic do nothing to actually deal with the crime and ongoing threat and it is notable that coercive control has been a crime for 5 years with almost no prosecution activity.

Women are told to "leave" but given zero protection from harm in order to do so.

Friends will often declare their "neutrality" they choose him and consider the woman to be a maker of unpleasantness. "But he's so nice", "It takes two" etc.

Women are dragged though family court for years by abusers and allowed to do this. Women are bankrupted and mentally broken by endless proceedings.

Women are speaking up, they're told to shut their mouths and punished for attempting to free themselves.

Aside from regularly telling women to LTB here, what can I do

Donate to refugees and organisations such as Women's Aid.

Write to your MP and ask him/her to support policies which help victims of domestic abuse and punish the perpetrators. Ask them to oppose policies of austerity which often leave domestic abuse victims financially dependent on their abuser.

Educate your children on what makes a healthy, respectful relationship.

Protect others from abusive behaviours by raising safeguarding concerns with the relevant authorities.

Speak against harmful attitudes towards domestic abuse, for example by challenging people who think "jokes" about domestic violence are funny or who carry on the outdated attitude that a victim was "asking for it" by staying.

That's not an exhaustive list but they're the immediate things I could think of.

Really good suggestions @Gancanny thank you.

@PicsInRed I agree, I feel like there’s still so much to be done to empower people to speak up about this.

I’m not afraid to call people out and have in the past called police in to school for a pupil who sexually assaulted me. I was supported by one member of slt and the others hounded me out. I don’t regret it for a second.

I work in another school now and wonder if there’s anything that can be done in education. I realise it’s a delicate subject but I feel like educating pupils on what is acceptable in relationships might be a little step in the right direction.

It's not 'education' as in subjects that I think schools need to tackle. It's what behaviour is acceptable. Boys take over the playground at DD's school. Their behaviour disrupts lessons and free time. Physical bullying is tolerated to a level that is unacceptable.

There are great boys as well! Who are largely ignored. But the minority of boys who make life problematic aren't dealt with.

Thanks for sharing the article OP. It does show that other countries did more to help victims during lockdown.

I don’t think it needs to be on the news more.

It’s obvious it happens.

It’s obvious it happens

It's not obvious how often it happens.
It's not obvious how bad it is.
It's not obvious how little support there is.
It's not obvious how lax the law is and how systemic sexism lets perpetrators walk free.

Try asking any survivor of domestic abuse if they think it's publicised and understood enough.

I sometimes wish the daily new threads on Mumsnet about the significant minority of men who seek to control their female partners could be published more widely. I know that wouldn't be feasible for many reasons, but I wish.....

It is obvious it happens.. a lot.

I don’t want it rammed down my throat at every turn.

@BluebellForest836

It is obvious it happens.. a lot.

I don’t want it rammed down my throat at every turn.

Why not?

There were a couple of threads recently full of landlords admitting they don't allow benefit tenants to live in their homes. Social housing is scarce in many areas. It's common for abusers to financially abuse (as well as physically). Housing is a major barrier to leaving. Sometimes the only alternative to abuse is shared accommodation - including mixed sex, alongside violent ex-offenders. It's no good telling people to ltb when they don't have anywhere safe to leave to. Refuges are very limited in spaces, often restricted to local residents (despite the common need to leave the area for safety), and they're only temporary.

Another issue is the limited support. It's all localised. There's no national standard of support and what you get is a real postcode lottery.

OP, not DV, but if you want a violence against women stat to prove to your DP that the patriarchy is a problem: in the UK (from rape crisis stats) there is a rape, or attepted rape, against a woman (not person, specifically woman) every 6.something minutes (I can't remember precisely because I worked it out myself). Violence against women in the U.K. is a horrific probleme. One I think which is now recognised, but perhaps not always the extent.

Wow @Herja that’s damning. I can see it could be even more as well.

Lots of interesting points from everyone, thank you for replying. It’s a really complicated issue but I do feel that more needs to be done to support victims.

I guess it just saddens me that lots of people that I’ve spoken to think there’s nothing more that needs doing for women’s rights, but just a glance at the statistics shows that misogyny is still rife. To the extent of women and children being killed.

I’ve also been examining my own internalised misogyny and it got me wondering about whether it can be educated out of someone. I think of it wasn’t for Mumsnet and reading around the subject that I could be one of those people that blames the woman for not leaving.

Recently I’ve been feeling very angry about men in general (yes I know not all men etc) and wanted to do something positive with the anger as motivation.