To think friend is behaving badly

[sunshinesally46]

Backstory is I have a long term friend of many years. She's always been a bit wild. About 5 years ago she split up with her husband when her youngest was just a baby. It was a bad time for her and she suffered mentally for a while. Family and friends rallied to help her. She spent a lot of time going out drinking at that time and we all let her get on with it, even babysitting the kids on a few occasions so she could get it out of her system.

Fast forward five years and this is her lifestyle now. The kids are now 13, 9 and 6. They go to their dads every other weekend but on her contact weekends with them she sends the two youngest to her retired parents and the eldest fends for himself so she can go out and get wasted on booze and occasionally drugs. They also spend a lot of time with the grandparents during the week when she is 'working' (going to the pub after work). I would say the kids spend less than 25% of their time at home with their mum.

The states she gets into aren't good. She will post videos on social media of her and her drinking buddies getting totally wrecked and acting like idiots. I've tried not to judge, it's her choice and her life. But yesterday we were meant to meet with the kids, my dc were excited to see hers and she cancelled last minute. Later on I saw pictures and videos of her smashed in the pub with friends. I felt really let down and asked her about it. Her response is to bring up her past mental health issues by way of explanation of her lifestyle and tell me 'I wouldn't understand with my perfect life' - I've been having therapy myself recently but she doesn't know that and seems to think she's the only one with justifiable problems in life.

Aibu to be totally pissed off with her? I don't agree with the way she's behaving and I hate how she isn't present for her kids. I also hate how selfish she's become and how mental health is something she always pulls out of the bag when challenged about anything because it's not something anyone can argue with. I feel I need to take a step back from her now which I'm sad about as she's been a friend for a long time. Aibu? I have tried to help her but I feel like she is now choosing this lifestyle over her kids and friends.

Tbh OP she sounds like she’s an alcoholic.
You have every right to be annoyed with her; I would say though, that if she does have a serious problem with alcohol, nothing you say will change her. I would also keep a close eye on the well-being of the children, they must be suffering if their mother is behaving that way.

I'm not sure that she's an alcoholic. She seems more addicted to the partying lifestyle although that does go hand in hand with booze and drugs for her I guess. So it's a possibility.

I don't worry about the kids well-being because they're never with her. Her parents do the majority of childcare. I don't know why they are letting her get away with it. I think they believe they are helping her or maybe don't realise what she's up to.

I hate when mental health is pulled out of the bag for justification for lifestyle choices. It is not something you have no control over. Just like physical health you will have different challenges but choices of how you deal with things.

Don't fall into the trap of justifying why your life has challenges too. I get sucked into that with a friend who has refused to work her whole life despite having every opportunity and then accuses me of having things so easy financially. Yes - twenty years of building a career helps.

If your life is more perfect than hers it's because you didn't make selfish self serving choices whenever you felt like it.

She is definitely an alcoholic. Sorry.

I would write her a letter and say you find it hard to watch her mistreat herself. She is missing it all with her children - she won't get those years back. You will always care about her but you don't want to be involved or enable this behaviour anymore.

Then go back to your perfect life and enjoy it.

Yes her behaviour is irresponsible. I am glad her children have good grandparents and hopefully their dad is decent too.

After everything you've said about her I can't understand why you arranged to meet up with her in the first place. You obviously don't like her or her lifestyle. Your post seems to be more about the fact that she cancelled on you in favour of someone else.

Honestly I wouldn't bother. She's not good news for anyone from what you've said. Find some new friends.

It will all come crashing down. She sounds very vulnerable.
She'll need you in the future as her drinking buddies won't stick around when it all goes t**s up - and it will.
You need to decide if you have a strong enough bond/history and friendship with this woman to be there for her when she needs you and stick around now for the not so good parts.
If not, then I'd let the friendship slide.

@priceforeverything because despite everything I still care about her and the kids enjoy playing together. I have disapproved of her choices for some time but it's her life, her health and her kids. I touched on the fact she cancelled on me because it disappointed all of the kids, her and mine and then because of the abuse she gave me. As though it's somehow my fault.

I've done a lot to try and help her over the years and if I genuinely believed she was suffering from mental health issues as seriously as she is making out I would help her still. But unfortunately I'm very suspicious that it's an excuse she's using to justify her behaviour, which really does disgust me because mental health isn't something to use disingenuously.

She could be self-medicating because of her MH issues, or she could just have an alcohol/drug problem.

Talk to her, but in a non-judgey way. Tell her you're worried about her. Ask her if she really enjoys the getting wasted or if it's more that she can't face life without it. Remind her that she has lovely kids who love her and need her to be around more. Offer her your support.

See what she says and give her all the help you can.

You can always ring social services and discuss your concerns about the children anonymously.

@GennyCrabby i don't think I could bring myself to do that and I don't think she's mistreating them, she's just not there for them. They are looked after by other people.