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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MiL’s wars

24 replies

Prettylittlesunflower · 08/08/2020 03:41

Some days I feel really petty and other days I feel like I do deserve a bit more respect...
DP and I have been together for 12 years and we have a DD, who is about to turn two. For all this time we have spent every single Xmas, Birthdays,Mother’s Day, you name it, and we have spend it with his parents... despite my mum is still alive and living 2000 miles away. But since my DD’s birth, I feel that I deserve ,at least ,her birthday to be spent creating new memories with just the 3 of us. That hasn’t go down very well with MiL.... she is use to be center of attentions and reckons she shouldn’t miss out. MiL reckons she could host a garden party in her house instead of Us spending the day at the zoo... I am starting to feel tired due to the lack of respect for my motherhood decisions and having to explain myself every time we don’t agree on things...

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2020 03:45

I am starting to feel tired due to the lack of respect for my motherhood decisions and having to explain myself every time we don’t agree on things...

You have a partner problem and you don't need to explain anything to this woman. Cut her off and do not engage. Stop pandering to her and do what makes you happy.

TravelDreamLife · 08/08/2020 03:52

I have a demanding/always right/abusive when everything isn't her way MIL.

You stop explaining, defending and giving up your wants to keep the peace. You make plans, say we're doing the zoo this year, we'll drop by on our way home. Do not give on. Believe me, it doesn't get better unless you do.
I've even had to explain to MIL that no, we won't spend our holiday visiting the long list of relatives and family friends we barely know, just because she thinks it's our duty.

It's taken a while, and I still get nasty little comments, but with DH on board finally she keeps quiet. I've learned not to take them personally as they're HER problem, not mine.

Twigletfairy · 08/08/2020 03:53

She shouldn't miss out? It's not her birthday!

You don't have to explain yourself. You say that you are going to the zoo, end of discussion. If she tries talking about it again, say you are no longer discussing it. I know it's really hard, but you need to get your husband on board. He needs to tell her to back off and respect your wishes

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 08/08/2020 03:58

I think you need a word with your partner and stop informing MIL of what your plans are, or she can host a party a week after you go to the zoo.

SnowsInWater · 08/08/2020 04:01

You need to be able to say no and to have the support of your DP. In my experience a lot of men are just very lazy when it comes to things like this, they prefer a quiet life and will maintain the status quo until forced into acknowledging that it is not working.

eveningfalls · 08/08/2020 05:12

say no, zoo is what is planned, if you can't do that, you have to get to a place where you can, otherwise you have a lot of trouble ahead. Say the tickets are pre-booked and paid for, come on OP, take a small victory.

katy1213 · 08/08/2020 05:35

Don't even enter into discussion with her. I wouldn't even be telling her any future plans. If she doesn't hear what you're saying, let her organise her garden party - but you'll still be at the zoo. Time to assert yourself over Christmas, too. She's not some kind of Premium Matriarch who outranks you!

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 08/08/2020 05:48

An enormous YANBU!

Pixxie7 · 08/08/2020 05:52

Surely she can have a party on another day. Just tell her you are busy that day.

custardbear · 08/08/2020 06:07

A simple 'that's nice, make sure it's on another day as we've got plans for her birthday

Get your DH to sort issues though as you'll be the scapegoat as you don't matter to her like her own son would, and if she's manipulative she'll try to get between you both, so get ahead of this and get your DH on side and sorting issues directly

Queenoftheashes · 08/08/2020 06:14

Sounds awful. What is your DH’s attitude?

Oysterbabe · 08/08/2020 06:18

Stick with your plan of the zoo but say MIL can come if she wants. You can still 'make memories' with the child's grandparent present. Of course she wants to see her grandchild on her birthday.

TW2013 · 08/08/2020 06:21

Soon your dd will be wanting her own choice of party with her friends. Your MIL might be part of that or she might not. You need to be firm that you make the decisions so that your dd gets the celebration she wants. Yes see and include MIL as part of that, maybe on the same or different day, but it is your decision. Zoo is an excellent choice for a second birthday celebration.

dogsdinnerlady · 08/08/2020 06:52

Have you spoken up before now about the unfair Christmas/Mother's Day etc visits? Surely most couples take turns. How does YOUR mum feel about being sidelined? Your DH should be supporting you and you both arranging a more fair rota for family occasions. Your MIL sounds like an entitled bully but she is your DH's parent. He needs to address it.

pictish · 08/08/2020 07:05

Just do what you like ffs. You don’t have to change your plans on you mil’s say so at all. You just say thanks but no, we’re doing xxx that day...maybe another time. It really is that easy.

ASimpleLampoon · 08/08/2020 07:22

Go to the zoo. Why the fuck would a two year old want a garden party? Get your partner to engage with her and don't bother with her.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/08/2020 07:25

State what you are doing and don't give specific details or discuss.

If you tell her, or your husband, your plans, she will turn up. This year, the mystery birthday out.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/08/2020 07:30

She had her time of motherhood. She did all the mum things. Now it's your turn, just remind yourself of that every time she kicks off. She had her kids, her time, her memories, now she is trying to crowbar her way into yours too.

She is a granny, not a parent, she gets the time you deem appropriate. She can only take the piss if you let her.

Monkeymilkshake · 08/08/2020 07:40

"A garden party! That sounds nice. Shame we'll be at the zoo."
Does your DH support you on this?
You need to have a word with him. Your DD is allowed a relationship with both grandparents.

FlySheMust · 08/08/2020 07:44

No reason why there can't be two celebrations. We used to do that.

You do exactly what you want to do when you want to do it and she can fit in around you.

FraggleRocker1 · 08/08/2020 07:45

OP, you will tie yourself in knots trying to please her. She sounds like my mil- demanded every occasion and when we said “no” she told us we were bullying her. This went on for several years and when it finally came to a head last year, she had actually kept a list of all the times she thought we had bullied her. This included times when we wouldn’t let her drive our children to her house because she had cataracts and couldn’t see properly. We drove them ourselves so she didn’t miss out but that wasn’t good enough as she had wanted to drive. I could go on, but having come out the other side, I can promise you that even if you do give in, it still may not be good enough for her. Do what works for you as a family- that is the most important thing. Good luck

Beautiful3 · 08/08/2020 07:47

Yes another one here saying, go to the zoo. Just say we're going to the zoo. Stop pandering to mil.

luckylavender · 08/08/2020 07:48

Stick up for yourself OP. The longer this goes on the worse it will be.

Enderman · 08/08/2020 07:57

I think you need to read the learning to say no thread OP.

In a couple of years your DD is going to want soft play parties, trampolining etc she isn’t going to want a garden party. Take her to the zoo.

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