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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I have told my ex partner?

15 replies

suggestionsplease1 · 07/08/2020 19:16

Conversation with a friend the other day where I mentioned that I never told my ex of 6 years that, a few months prior to us getting together, a very good ongoing mutual friend had made a move on me.

I politely rebuffed this friend at the time as I have never had any interest in a romantic relationship with her (we are all women) and after a bit of awkwardness she has continued to be one of my closest friends. (Ex came to know her through me, did not know her before).

The other friend I was chatting to was surprised I had never brought this up with my ex, but it seemed to me that would be an unnecessary betrayal to the friend that made the move (again 6 months before my ex and I had even got together) and could change how my ex perceived her.

There was never even the remotest chance of anything happening between this friend and I so was I being unreasonable in not telling my ex?

Just interested to know, as I was so clear that it was unnecessary and that friend was clear that I should have said something. Now I'm thinking is this the sort of thing I should be declaring in future relationships?

You were being unreasonable: you should have told your ex
You were not being unreasonable: it was not necessary to tell your ex

OP posts:

Suze1621 · 07/08/2020 20:09

YANB - nothing to tell

crimsonlake · 07/08/2020 20:11

You really have to start a post about this after all this time???

thistimelastweek · 07/08/2020 20:14

Why would you tell your ex?
And why are you thinking about it now?

1Morewineplease · 07/08/2020 20:16

No.
It’s past history.
You’ve nothing to tell.

Dogssox · 07/08/2020 20:22

Hmmm I'm not sure. It would probably have caused suspicion with your ex so probably would have caused unnecessary drama. I'd think she probably would have wanted to know though?

aSofaNearYou · 07/08/2020 20:22

If the friend that made a pass on you had continued to pursue you/carry a torch for you in any marked way then I would have mentioned it, but if it was a total non starter and there was no residual weirdness going on when you got together with your ex, then I don't see any reason why you'd have needed to.

MumsyMumIAmNot · 07/08/2020 20:25

YANBU. Why would you tell her.

user1294625849274 · 07/08/2020 20:31

What kind of shit relationships has your friend had that she thinks you should have "declared" this?

Original poster

suggestionsplease1 · 07/08/2020 20:32

@crimsonlake

You really have to start a post about this after all this time???

I know! I was just surprised the friend that I was chatting with and I had such completely different views. It was as self evident to her that I should have said something as it was self evident to me that there was no need.

So I questioned my judgement. And it made me wonder if I should be mentioning it in future relationships. So it's good to see that general opinion is not necessary.

OP posts:

ClementineWoolysocks · 07/08/2020 20:45

Good god, are we supposed to tell our partners every time someone made a move on us? Ain't nobody got time for that!

julybaby32 · 07/08/2020 20:51

The very old fashioned thing was that a young lady never told anyone about proposals she had turned down, except possibly her mother, of the person acting as such.
Providing the no was final and accepted, there is a certain point to that.
And no, the young lady who turned down the proposal was not expected to cut the proposer dead or alter her behaviour to the proposer, lest she humiliate the proposer or appear to be gloating.
There might be a point to this little bit of etiquette.

Original poster

suggestionsplease1 · 07/08/2020 21:03

@julybaby32

The very old fashioned thing was that a young lady never told anyone about proposals she had turned down, except possibly her mother, of the person acting as such. Providing the no was final and accepted, there is a certain point to that. And no, the young lady who turned down the proposal was not expected to cut the proposer dead or alter her behaviour to the proposer, lest she humiliate the proposer or appear to be gloating. There might be a point to this little bit of etiquette.

I'm sure my mum would have been thrilled to hear of this particular encounter

(Although she most certainly would have been thrilled that anyone, anywhere, could ever have conceived of me as a young lady)

But yeah, I think I agree with this general sentiment. I was beginning to question whether I owed it to partners to tell them.

OP posts:

imissthesouth · 07/08/2020 21:06

YANBU, there's nothing to tell, quite frankly it's none of his business now anyways

Kaiserin · 07/08/2020 21:20

YANBU

Quite frankly, expecting to be given precise details of your partner's romantic/sexual history, including unrequited proposals that led to nothing... That's the kind of stuff that jealous, abusive partners are into, not normal people!

I'd be concerned your friend is either the abusive type, or has been brainwashed by an abuser.

Original poster

suggestionsplease1 · 07/08/2020 21:39

@Kaiserin

YANBU

I'd be concerned your friend is either the abusive type, or has been brainwashed by an abuser.

No I don't think this is the case, she is just a stickler for complete honesty and transparency. She's quite into that Jordan B Peterson 12 Rules for LIfe book at the moment

And I'm a bit of a stickler for honesty too, in that if I had been asked by a partner about this friend I would have honestly answered questions, but I saw (and see) no need to volunteer this information out of the blue.

OP posts:

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