Crap friend or is it me

[Kate436b]

Sorry if this is a bit long and rambling. My best friend who was also my maid of honor and Ive known her about 8 years. She is 20 years older than me, kind, sweet and we get on extremely well. For the last year, since I had my son, I feel we have drifted apart. We have a hobby together, she has made friends with the 'cool gang' who are amazing at said hobby, I have no interest i pandering to them...and I feel she has changed.

During lockdown both me and husband have lost our self employed business. Dh has another job 6 days a week, nearly 12 hour days, I am at home with 2 kids under 3, she has been wfh. I have been struggling with feeling down and a bit crap about life and our prospects. Big changes in lifestyle etc...she has:

1. I text her to say I'm struggling a bit, she replies saying 'oh dear - at least you've got DH' except I don't, he is gone most of the time, gets home after bedtime. All i wanted was a bit of chat/cup of tea

2. boasted to me that she has been out doing a different hobby with the cool gang, knowing I also like hobby #2 (actually my career), no invite though

3. we agree to meet to do hobby 2, she then invites 2 of the cool gang...now I am a tag along to their day, no warning.

4. ignores my messages and has clearly just arranged our day together with them. The 2 others which I added into our chat have ignored me...I am friendly with the extra 2

5. said she only invited them because she doesnt want to make anyone feel left out. Even though she has left me out several times in the last few weeks

There are other off cuff comments and I feel like she has found a replacement for me. I dont want the friendship to end, but am embarrassed how needy and emotional I have become over it. It hurts deeply and I've been in tears over it. I think I should chat to her about it, DH thinks I just let it go, stop contacting etc.

I guess my AIBU is

Am I being an over sensitive, over anxious friend, or is she being a bit of a shit mate.

She's being a shit mate. Seems she's trying to drop you to be honest. I'd keep a distance and see what happens and if nothing changes and she doesn't reach out to you then let the friendship drift.

@HatakeKakashi

She's being a shit mate. Seems she's trying to drop you to be honest. I'd keep a distance and see what happens and if nothing changes and she doesn't reach out to you then let the friendship drift.

That's what I thought. I think I'm annoyed that I don't want to ditch her. She is one of 2 very close friend I have in my county, those kind of friends who you think you can rely on in tough times.

Yes she's been a really shit friend. And she appears rather brazen about it too, she's trying to tell you something in a very unkind way and it's no wonder you're upset.

I agree she is not being a good friend to you. I would definitely leave her to contact you. If she does I would then try and explain how you feel or do it the other way around I.e. explain how you feel first then see what happens. If she doesn’t take it on board it would be time to let the friendship go.

I understand how you feel about her inviting the others along without seeing how you feel about it first. It just seems to be because it suits her with no thought for you.
My much loved brother does this, he’ll invite myself and DH over for a catch up (we’re both a bit socially awkward and are home bodies really). Sometimes when we get there he has other friends there, people we don’t know and it all feels uncomfortable trying to make conversation with strangers when we just wanted to catch up with family. He is very sociable so it doesn’t really occur to him we might not be keen on it. Maybe it’s more our problem than his I don’t know.

OP, is your other best friend supportive? Can you look at other ways of meeting new people to expand your friendship group? I know it’s difficult at the moment.

I agree with your DH, just let it go. Very upsetting though

Yes my other good friend is amazing and also knows this friend, and has kept her distance for a similar reason. Trouble is she works 6 days a week on unsociable shifts and day 7 she has her 2 kids so her free time os very valuable, and I don't want to take too much up.

As for brazen, it sounds awful, but I dont think shes clever enough...i dont think she has given it secinds thought, she is just a bit of a user, but doesn't do it intentionally, if you know what I mean. She just blunders through probably not thinking she is upsetting other people/not thinking about others and doing what suits her best at the time.

I am painting her badly, but she is kind and wonderful and fun, she was my only wedding party, and I love her dearly. Which is why this all seems a bit more painful and if I'm wondering if its me in my slightly depressed and anxious state.

It’s not you OP. Do you think you could talk to her about how you feel and see what she says?

How about looking at trying to make other friends locally so you don’t feel so isolated? I know it’s not easy.

I, too, think that your friend is being unkind. I’d even go as far as to say that she is putting in social situations that she knows you won’t enjoy so that you’ll withdraw.
It looks almost like she is forcing you to withdraw from your friendship circle rather than face telling you that you no longer fit in with her current status.
It also looks as though she’s trying to ‘steal ‘ your mutual friends.
She’s clearly insecure but is protecting a solid, professional persona and this is leaving you feeling bad. It’s akin to bullying but the onus would be on you to prove that this was persistent and wilful.

I’d back away and lose contact. This will impact on your hobby but her unpleasantness has clearly impacted on it already.

It’s maybe time to bow out and find a new hobby .

I am so sorry.

I think you sound pretty needy and judgemental. You've decided other women are the 'cool gang' you're expecting her to provide your emotional support even though she's alone and probably struggling too. She's right you do have a husband - who does she have?

Perhaps she's seeking out other friends because she's tired of being your emotional crutch or being standoffish to the 'cool gang' and actually just wants everyone to get along?

If she's kind and sweet then this isn't deliberate. Maybe she's hating being single? Why don't you invite her out for a drink and then have a chat with her?

Without it being to outing our hobby, is my husband and my job but its like a lifestyle, she volunteers with us for a generous package in return. Our average age is around 50...the 'cool gang' are average 30, and have an extremely high skill set/compete/are mixed gender, they sit by themselves and dont socialise with the rest of the evening (of often 100 people).

She has a husband who also works from home, a son, and a bigger circle of friends than me, so she has lots of support.

I would say before this we supported each other through illness and stresses etc, I have in no way used her as an emotional crutch.

I get along well with members of the 'cool gang' but she seems very taken with the fact they have finally accepted her, where as I tend to mingle throughout everyone.

You mention you've had a baby and her behaviour changed around the same time.
Is it possible you've been caught up with your baby (as to be expected) and she has gotten lonely and filled her time with the other hobby?
It's just a thought and would seem reasonable .

Yes possible I've been too wrapped up in having 2 under 3. But i remember other than the inital congrats, there were no other messages of how is DS, how are you doing, shall I come and meet him etc...so DS may have been fuel, but I dont think it started this...

Is she trying to get back at you for some reason? It sounds like she's trying to prove that she's worthy, has other friends and doesn't need you.

@Kate436b
Don't ever feel guilty for giving your children more attention than your friends. She doesn't seem like a good person if she is jealous of you spending time with your children though. Quite frankly she's not someone I'd want to spend time with. Hugs

Hard say op. Has friendship run its course? Feel for you. I feel I have more in common with some friends others are flaky so I cut back. Find groups clicky when its a few women just my experience

Whatever the reason, the friendship has clearly run its course. It's time to cut your losses and move on.

She is behaving pretty thoughtlessly, but that doesn't mean she's doing it to spite you - if you value the friendship I'd give it a couple of weeks to calm down and then talk to her about things. I'm sorry, op, it's hard to feel dismissed by a friend. Hopefully she's just being a bit oblivious.

You say you have no interest in pandering to the cool gang. But maybe that is not what she is doing. Maybe they are just more fun? why are they the cool gang anyway? You sound pretty invested in them.

Our average age is around 50...the 'cool gang' are average 30,
I don't get it. In your first post you say she is 20 years older than you.
Whose average age is 50? Is it the average age of the whole group of 100 people so some are quite a lot older and some are around 30?

Or are you around 50, she is twenty years older, so 70, and she is hanging out with the cool 30 year olds?

Well on the face of it she sounds thoughtless and unkind.

But then you describe her as someone who has supported you through tough times, someone you can rely on.

So that makes me think that there is a little more going on than 'shit friend'.

She obviously likes the 'cool gang'. To her, they are just a friendship group who are good company. You seem very scathing of them. Unless they are hostile when non-members approach, they are just a group of friends yet you have judged them harshly for no obvious reason.

You are also at completely different life stages. Maybe she thinks you need 'mum friends' now, with young children, or is anticipating being dropped so is widening her social circle.

And you have no idea what lockdown has been like for her. You think you do but you don't. Are you certain that she isn't having marital difficulties, health issues, drama in her wider family, money worries, that her husbands job isn't at risk? I know I have not been as supportive as I should have been if a friend who has lost her job and whose son has been in hospital, but at that time my sister attempted suicide and all of my attention has been on that - friend will never know.

If she is truly your friend then (1) tell her you miss her and want to see more of her (2) if you want her to pop round for a cup of tea ask her to pop round for a cup of tea (3) accept that she's allowed other friends (4) get to know other friends and stop weirdly referring to new friendships as 'pandering'.