To ask how to enjoy having people in my house!

[Thingsthatgo]

I have always hated having guests, even as a child. I quite enjoy living in a cluttered house, and I really hate having to clean and tidy for guests. (I know this is unreasonable, just being honest). However, I know that if I enjoy other people’s hospitality, I should reciprocate. I have loved Lockdown, and not inviting people round. I see my house as a safe haven, a cocoon where I don’t have to socialise, but I know that it’s unfair on the rest of my family.
We are moving house soon, and I would like to start out there as I hope to continue. With a welcoming attitude, where my kids can have friends over without me feeling too ‘invaded’. I think if I just embrace it, I might not hate it so much.
I love socialising, but in short bursts, and I need time alone to decompress.
Any tips that might help this introvert share her space?

You’ve described me to a tee there, so I have no advice, but totally get where you’re coming from!

Have a part of the house that is private and out of bounds. In our family, there is an unwritten rule of no guests upstairs if we go to each others houses(other than the bathroom obviously!) so if someone wants to squirrel away and hide from company in their bedroom, they can.

I also think it's difficult if it is your DC's friends etc, rather than your own guests. In those instances, I would probably do more to encourage them to go to their own rooms with their friends. Or again, hide yourself away in your own bedroom.

You also don't have to have guests. Some friends and family just don't have the space etc to accommodate visitors, so they tend to come to us. It's also easier for us with two young kids. Our house is has a large open plan downstairs and I find it much easier space to have visitors in.

Remember too that a lot of people just genuinely prefer to be the one's hosting. I have a friend like this, she always hosts us at hers but she likes it that way. Obviously we always bring drinks/food etc but she's turned down suggestions of other people hosting instead. When my DC had friends over they tended to go to their rooms, or out somewhere. They didn't really hang out in the main house.

Thank you all. I do have friends who like to host, and we have had honest conversations about my weirdness! I try to compensate by being generous by bringing lovely things for them.
Our new house is bigger, so I hoping I can find some sanctuary while my children have friends over, although the youngest is still at the age when some play date supervision is a good idea!

I hate hosting and I also feel my house is invaded a bit ! It's weird and I've gotten worse as I've aged! I become anxious and over whelmed and I think people might judge my home. Even people I've known for years..
Someone the other week mentioned that I never invite her over but I tend to go to hers and we go out for lunch etc.
I know how you feel.

I love having guests!! But I have a friend who hates people "messing up her house" (her words). She once said she even gets fed up of her husband coming home and messing up the tidy house!

I knew someone who made you feel on edge even if you were at their front door!
They hated mess and would run about tidying up!
I am awkward with hosting but I like to think it's not too ' edgy' if they do come round! I'm not a natural host though to be fair.

I like having people round to my house. I generally can't stand clutter, it makes me agitated but my house isn't always tidy. Having people round makes me really have a proper clean which I think I like to be honest. On the outside it's generally tidy most of the time, but the inside of cupboards, drawer, wardrobes it's an absolute bomb site. I just ran things in. Out of sight, out of mind. I do annoy myself with that a bit because I wish I could be more tidy.

Oh I love hosting! I get so much pleasure out of prepping the house, deciding what to cook. But our house is very clutter free and minimalist so it’s pretty easy.
I also much prefer it because at the end of the night when everyone else has to make their journeys home I get to just fall into bed. Plus I just feel more comfortable using my own toilet and helping myself to drinks etc. I was at a friends last weekend and was there a good half hour before I got offered a drink and then she kept getting her own and not offering anyone else!

However, I know that if I enjoy other people’s hospitality, I should reciprocate
No you don't!

You make the effort only for those you WANT to invite - and you'll find that for REAL friends you'll either happily tidy up for their visit or they won't judge you for not having a spic n span looking home.

I have loved lockdown too OP. I hate people in my house. I hate speaking on the phone. I go to work and come home and don't leave again till the next day. And I never socialise.

When I go to see someone, it’s for their company, not to view the tidiness of their house. I’d rather arrive at an untidy house with a happy & welcoming host than a pristine house with someone who’s feeling resentful that they’ve had to spend 24 hours cleaning before my arrival. That being said, there’s a difference between untidy and unclean and I don’t want to spend time in someone’s home if it’s dirty. 😱(I’m not inferring that you’re home is dirty op, just giving an example 😉)

I loved lockdown too OP, and like you feel home is a safe cocoon. It was so good knowing that no one was coming to the house, and I was not expected to go anywhere either. I am not unsociable but having visitors creates a different dynamic in the home with more people in the space.. If you have the room, you could make sure visitors to your new home just stay in the parts you show them - and downstairs - no wandering around on their own, and you definitely do not need to give them the tour first. And have your own private space to retreat to afterwards.

Definitely allocate spaces that are out of bounds, including to the DC and their friends. My DC know that while they're allowed in our bedroom/bathroom, they can't come in with their friends unless there's a very good reason. I regularly disappear up there (we have a loft) when they are having playdates. If they need me, they call from the bottom of the stairs.

Ditto, depending on living and garden space, discourage the DC from playing in at least one of your communal rooms. DD is still too young for this as her stuff is still sort of around, but in all the playdates DS has, with the exception of occasionally watching tv in the lounge, he and his friends stick to his bedroom, the garden and we have a sort of extra room where they can play/ bang on musical instruments etc. I dream of the day the same will happen for DD and think we're not far off.

When hosting adults, the trick is preparation. Create an inviting environment wherever you want to mostly keep people - ensure drinks, snacks etc are available and plentiful. Make sure you spend plenty of time in that space even while you are organising other things. We don't officially make the lounge off limits to guests, but it's not set u for that so people tend to hang about in the kitchen/dining area and garden. This works for us.

I know what you mean. I love having guests, but don't like people showing up unannounced, which is probably a bit antisocial of me really. I also don't love having overnight guests. I like it as a one off, but we have a family member who wants to come too often. We don't have the space and it is actually annoying on a regular basis, having to sort out somewhere for everyone to sleep etc and yes, I do relate to feeling as if my haven has been invaded a bit in those circumstances.

I also think covid might put people off hosting/going to people's houses for a while.

No advice...just saying I hate guests too. I like to spend 2 hours max with people, then I like being on my own. Guests...argggh!! It's not the chores they bring, don't mind them. It's the TALKING. Helpfully, loads of my family live in tiny places / hours away and when I was a SAHM years ago they all bloody decided I was the social hub of the family. I really don't want to be.

I hate having guests as they make a mess make the place look untidy, I'd much rather sit in the garden or go out to meet up with friends than have them in the house

I’m much much better with play dates if I can dodge the parent chat bit. So we go home from school and then I pretend we need to be out in the car so I offer to drop them off.

I'm exactly the same!

For me I think it's largely because I can only tolerate social stuff for a short period of time. And because I'm busy and need to get on. If I'm at someone's house I can stay for an hour, coffee and chat, then make a move home.

I have one friend who will stay at mine for several hours at a time. I have been known to invent imaginary appointments in order to create a definite end to the meet up. If she's coming at 1pm I might say I have the dentist at 3.30 so I know she'll be here a couple of hours and no more! It's ridiculous.

Thanks, I’m glad I’m not alone in my weirdness thinking. I shall try some exposure therapy, maybe a house move will help, and I can have lots of people over before it becomes too cocoon-like. Or maybe COVID will scupper my plans and nobody will ever cross the threshold!

I am like you but I also really enjoy havin people come and visit.

For me the key is really clear boundaries, everyone understanding what’s OK and what’s not.

Also making it clear that people have to be reasonably self sufficient and independent.

Doesn’t sound that welcoming but actually people love coming to stay, they always say that it’s very relaxing knowing exactly where they stand and not having to second guess themselves.

Works for everyone.

Oh and having a big house helps too...

I like hosting for big things like parties and bbqs which are a few times a year. Other than that I generally prefer to go out or to others houses as I hate it when people won't leave. At least at others houses I can bugger off when I want!