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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I apologised and not much I can do?

21 replies

Peanutbutterjello · 07/08/2020 07:20

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday evening. I was at work all day, busy, tired and hot... when I got home something happened really pissed me off ... I called my partner who is working away at the moment but it seemed like a bag time to call him so I hung up (I don’t know what I was thinking tho, when he works away there is never a good time to call him) Anyway, he tried to call back a few times but I hung up... I sent him a message a couple of hours later and apologised. I have no excuses, what pushed me over the edge wasn’t even that big a deal and I told him this too. He is still cold turkey with me. He messaged back but I could tell he was annoyed/ upset with me. I apologised about 3 times... and I don’t think there is anything else I can do?! Is there?

OP posts:

Madmoxxi · 07/08/2020 07:24

Just carry in as normal, you over reacted, we've all done it. You realised your behaviour was unfair and apologised. He just needs time to cool off.

TheAquaticDuchess · 07/08/2020 07:26

You’ve apologised - just give him a bit of time, he probably just needs to cool it.

If he carries on being cold for an extended period then he’s being an arsehole. People lose it sometimes, it’s not fair for him to keep punishing you when you’ve apologised.

pilates · 07/08/2020 07:26

Your title says it all really. Just have a chat about it when he comes home/next meet up.

TheMandalorian · 07/08/2020 07:29

What happened? Did you actually even talk to him? It reads like you just phoned him and then hung up on him several times. Usually something a partner may worry about. Unless you have form for over- dramatic behavior?

Ickabog · 07/08/2020 07:34

Putting myself in his shoes I would have been worried something had happened like an accident, especially as I couldn't talk to you to find out you were ok.

I know you said you thought it was a bad time to talk to him, but the fact he tried to call you back a few times shows he wanted to talk.

Original poster

Peanutbutterjello · 07/08/2020 07:42

I didn’t talk to him yesterday apart from a few texts. I appreciate he could have been worried and I text him when he was calling me back that it’s nothing, he doesn’t have to worry. But I honestly totally lost my shit over something smallish... and I hate myself for it. I called him because I thought he could perhaps help and when he picked up he was clearly busy - and honestly regardless of what happened when he works away there is never a good time to call him. In hindsight I probably just wanted to have a rant to him then when he picked up I felt annoyed with myself calling him as he was busy...

OP posts:

itsgettingweird · 07/08/2020 07:45

You've completely over reacted and you've acknowledged that which is good.

But try and see it from his side. You hung up because you thought he was too busy.

He tried to call you repeatedly obviously worried.

You then continued to hang up on him because you didn't think you should bother him with it.

And only text him hours later.

If things were revered wouldn't you feel pushed away when you were trying to help?

Did your apology recognise that you were pushing him away or was it apologies for ringing him?

LemonTT · 07/08/2020 07:56

Sometimes the manner and nature of an apology belie the words. I think this is the case here. You need to talk on the phone and explain things.

Everything you did pushed him away. A late text apology when someone is repeatedly calling you, obviously with concerns, is poor behaviour. You have dismissed him. He has stopped chasing and that is the right thing for him to do.

I expect a massive drip at this point to him and us. Designed to make all feel guilty for not supporting you. But it remains the case that his “cold shoulder” is simply just responding to your drama.

Original poster

Peanutbutterjello · 07/08/2020 08:08

I see what you mean but I don’t think it’s the case here... I needed some time to cool off too. And I text him straight away as he was calling. Definitely wasn’t trying to make him feel guilty. I get he is upset with me and that’s understandable. I just don’t know what else to do and apologised 3 times already. I don’t want him to feel crap but at the same time I feel awful too... I wish I never called him

OP posts:

Extraction20 · 07/08/2020 08:11

Just let it blow over. Relax...

GlassMarble · 07/08/2020 08:16

If you kicked someone in the shin and then said sorry, it doesn’t stop the pain instantly, that takes time.

Same applies to when you’ve upset someone. The apology is the start, it doesn’t instantly stop the upset - now he needs time.

MinnieJackson · 07/08/2020 08:57

Have you had discussions/ arguments about him not being contactable when working away before? Sometimes when you have a shit day you need someone to offload to. Did you shout at him then just hang up? You've apologised if that was the case but I doubt he'll be mad with you for long, everyone has a limit and you reached yours

SerenDippitty · 07/08/2020 09:03

You should have texted him immediately you hung up along the lines of “sorry I had a shit day but don’t want to bother you with it now, it will keep, spk later love you x”.

As others have said he needs time.

Original poster

Peanutbutterjello · 07/08/2020 09:17

No shouting or arguing at all!!
It’s tough that he is not really contactable when he is away however it was never a secret so I knew what I signed up for... it is tough at times, especially when he is away for weeks. We still speak daily (ish) but sometimes I have to stay up late or we miss each other on the phone .
Again, I did text him straight away. Told him nothing to worry about and that something small really pushed me over the edge. I didn’t say the ‘ I love you xxxxxx’ bit but I assured him nothing is wrong and I just had an off day. Again, I didn’t blame him or tried making him feel guilty or anything like that...

OP posts:

CalmdownJanet · 07/08/2020 09:25

You don't do anything else, you treated him badly, you apologised 3 times, that's fine but he's also allowed to be annoyed do just get on with your day, definitely stop apologising because it is super annoying when someone treats you badly, apologises and then expects that to be that and you are like "eh nope, you were a fucker, I am allowed to be annoyed by that for a little while, you can't just lash out a few easy sorry and I have to act like nothing happened". It will be something in nothing, leave him be till later

user1493413286 · 07/08/2020 09:27

I would expect to move on from that by the next day; this happens with me and DH and we apologise and move on

FatBottomedGurl · 07/08/2020 09:27

When you are having a bad day, its human nature to want to seek comfort with our loved ones. The fact that your partner works away makes that harder. The fact that there is never a good time to call him makes it harder still. So, when you called him to discuss your issue and he let it be known he was busy, I think its understandable for it to just blow a fuse. Was it unreasonable? Yes. Was it his fault? No. But it doesn't mean that its a nice feeling to not have your significant other on hand when you are struggling.

I've had relationships with a partner who worked away most of the time (forces). Its an accepted part of the life but sometimes, just sometimes, its unbearable.

You've apologised and you've explained that you know you were unreasonable. You both need to notch this up to a bad day and move on. Its unlikely to be the only time you face this and you both need to know how to handle it.

CherryPavlova · 07/08/2020 09:29

What else can you do? You can learn from the incident and not repeat it.

Sirzy · 07/08/2020 09:35

The more you bring it up now the more of an issue it’s likely to become. It’s like picking a scab off before the wound has healed.

It’s hard when your separated by work, my partner works away all week so I get that. Just give him time.

heymacaroner · 07/08/2020 09:44

Have you done things like this before?
If I'm honest the way you behaved would feel a bit attention seeking from the other side. So no there's not much more you can do than apologise but that doesn't mean he won't still feel a bit annoyed about it for a while.
The best thing you can do is behave a bit more rationally next time.

MinnieJackson · 07/08/2020 15:01

Christ if there was no argument or shouting then what's the problem? Sounds like crossed wires. Don't apologise again.

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