Talking to my upset 12 year old about weight

[Midlifelights]

My nearly 13 year old DS keeps saying he is fat & is getting very upset about it and I am finding it hard to know the best way to approach it as I am worried about saying the wrong thing.

This is how I have approached it so far and what I have said:

• you aren’t fat but your body is changing in puberty & is getting ready for a growth spurt. You are lovely as you are- let’s focus on healthy eating etc

• I understand how you feel- I feel like that myself sometimes- let’s do some exercise & eat well together

• could you research what a healthy diet looks like and we can talk about it

He keeps talking about not eating - he loves food so I don’t think he’s serious but I am worried that he’s thinking too much about controlling food & fixating on his weight very negatively. He has put a bit of weight on over lockdown & I have stopped buying sugary crap in the house - we are on holiday at the moment so he’s having ice creams etc.

I am SO worried about saying the wrong thing and approaching this badly - aibu?

Am I doing the right thing? I am finding it really stressful and want him to feel positive about himself. I was an overweight early teen & it affected me but I came through it with healthy eating & exercise. It’s not helped that all his normal sports have stopped during the pandemic

Didn't want to read and run.

Body dysmorphia, fatphobia and general body insecurity are very common in terns and preteens. I'd recommend looking at resources available via the charity BEAT. Might give you some ways of talking about it and supporting yourself and your son.

Sounds like you're already doing lots.

I'd personally approach it in a dispassionate way. Check his height and weight and do a kids BMI calculation on-line.

Then explain all food gives us energy and it's essential to survive. But some food gives us a lot of energy and if we don't use the energy our body stores it as fat for when we need it in the future.

There's nothing wrong with any food but the high energy foods have to be balanced with high energy activities.

Then make a list of high energy/ low energy foods and match them to activities.

So carrots might equal playing a video game and an ice cream would be a game of basketball.

You say he's put a bit on but is he overweight?

I haven’t weighed him as don’t want to at the moment - it doesn’t seem a good idea- he’s put weight on his tummy and face definitely- how much I don’t know

It sounds like you are doing great.
Has he had a puberty growth spurt yet ?
You don’t particularly want him to lose weight, you want him to grow into the weight he is if you understand what I mean. Stay at that weight until his weight is right for his height.
Get him to exercise without it being something you are doing to get him to lose weight, so a family walk for enjoyment not to lose weight.
If it’s puppy fat he’s unlikely to be the same at 16.

It might be worth trying to find out why he thinks he's fat - is someone teasing/bullying him about it?
You say he loves food, maybe get him to help prepare meals (if he doesn't already) and use that as an opportunity to talk about healthy eating, but without turning it into a lesson?

I think you've done great chatting to your DS, it must be difficult to see him upset especially when lockdown has probably caused this issue.
I think what you're doing is great, here are my ideas of what I might do - but I'm no expert.
I'd start by chatting to him about what he does like about his body, for what it can do rather than what is looks like. Ie my legs because I can play football, my eyes because I can watch TV, my arms because I can give hugs. Have your own ready as examples.
Try to turn the weight loss conversation into a positive one about healthy lifestyles and changes. Perhaps select one change and experiment together how it affects your overall energy or health, not focusing on weight only. I did this after using the change4life sugar calculator app- it showed just how much sugar was in my flavoured porridge so I switched to plain and lost weight unintentionally.
I think given his age, it might be best if you researched a few options for a food swap and gave him a choice, and do it with him for support. But frame it as a healthy lifestyle rather than a diet (which it is).
I would avoid any body talk from yourself about wanting to lose weight too, it could make him think it is normal- especially if you're a healthy weight! I understand you want him to know you get where he is coming from though.
I think positivity around health rather than negativity around weight is key.

You haven't said whether he is overweight. If you don't want to weigh him right now, does he fit comfortably into the waist band of the trousers that are right for his height?

One of mine put on weight during lockdown, we made a decision to go out for two hours a day mon-fri plus we always did bigger things at the weekend anyway. We didn't discuss it massively, just said we were doing it to stay healthy in lockdown.

We also didn't discuss changing family meals but fruit salad made a lot more appearances after tea than cake and we switched the meals with lots of cheese for others, also reduced portions slightly with the option of seconds, again didn't say anything just started putting less on all our plates first serving.

If you think he's overweight, do something. He'll feel better for feeling healthy. Don't talk about it much, just change things.

Please don’t do as a PP suggested regarding exercise. Don’t teach your ds he has to earn food by exercising or that he must exercise after eating a higher calorie food/Meal. That’s just setting him up for disordered eating.

You sound like you are doing a good job OP, just continue to have lots of healthy foods around your house and try and do exercise as a family. Do he do any sporty clubs before lockdown?

Yes, agree with above. I think too much talking about weight/health/food is a real issue, just get on and model what needs to happen.

Surely the worst thing to do is talk about healthy eating and not do it!

So in order of mental healthiness I would say:

1. healthy lifestyle not talking about it much
2. healthy lifestyle talking about it too much
3. unhealthy lifestyle not talking about it much
4. unhealthy lifestyle talking about it too much

At least with option 3 you retain scope for future change. With option 4 you teach your kids they should ignore their own advice!

have his feet got bigger recently? I found that every time one of my dc were due a growth spurt there feet sprouted first. If they have you can tell him that.
say something like "While i don't think you have anything to worry about, there is nothing wrong with us looking at what your eating & making sure its healthy & doing some moderate exercise & maybe i should too!"

Please do not weigh him, just quietly up his exercise and have healthy meals that are normal portions. If he is in the right clothes for his age then he is probably ok.

I have a 12 years old boy who have put on a bit of weight during lock down. It's inevitable.
He became chubby in his face and his tummy. And although I think it's kind of cute, he doesn't like it, and started to watch what he eats. He doesn't limit what he eats for meal, but definitely cut down on snacking sweet stuff, or stopped having snack constantly during the day. Also started to do some work out.
I haven't changed what I cook, it's already quite balanced and lots of veg anyway. And my ds weighs himself. I think it's a good thing that he is responsible for his own health.

We as a family have all put on weight during lock down so we are all going on a health kick. We talk about it openly have all weighed our selves and put down a goal weight for each of us based on healthy bmi. Bike ride together and healthy eating. DS seems to have taken it on board well but then he is v laid back anyway and we have pointed out that he is still getting taller whereas dh and I are stuck height wise so our only option is to lose some weight to stay healthy.

He’s put on weight and he’s obviously unhappy. I was an overweight teen and it was, frankly, miserable. I wish my parents had helped me sort it in a gentle, positive way before it became a big problem.

I agree with @labyrinthloafer. Don’t talk endlessly about it, just get on and model positive attitudes towards food and exercise. Go out for lots of long family walks, get him involved in cooking nutritious family meals etc. Don’t talk about junk food as ‘crap’ or tell him he can’t have it. Just limit the amount you all eat/have in the house.

Meant to say similar age for ds but he has always been at the highest percentile for height and weight.

I am sorting out family bikes and getting out and cycling. It is fun (but,I know, there is an expense and availability issue). Pudding is increasingly fruit. I have stopped baking banana bread

My 13 year old daughter has piled on weight over lockdown. I'm genuinely shocked at how much Her school skirts which were much too big for her, will now hardly do up. I would say she's now probably just in the overweight range.

I am really not sure what to do either. I'm encouraging exercise every day and managing her portion sizes. I noticed her portions of cereal for example were HUGE.

It's a fine line because I don't want to make her anorexic but at the same time, a life time of being overweight and uncomfortable in your own skin is bloody miserable too

Watching this with interest as I'm in the exact same boat with my DD.

Explain to him that diets at this time will mess with his metabolism and possibly affect his growth, making weight issues more likely. I went on my first diet at 12 and ended up with a shitty metabolism that meant I'd put on weight if I ate even just a bit more than 1200 calories a day. I'm 37 now, and I eat at least twice that now because I recalibrated my metabolism by eating properly for several months. Restrictive diets will put his developing body in starvation mode. He is panicking and is looking at the only solution he thinks there is, and you need to let him know there is a better way.

He firstly needs CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to curb emotional eating and binge eating, as it seems he may have started doing this. Self help books and things like food diaries will help with this, and there are also worksheets to complete that can be found and downloaded online. You can also find a therapist to see (though as they vary in quality I'd recommend doing your own work first and foremost).

He obviously feels he is losing control of his impulses around eating, and that is something you absolutely need to take seriously and nip in the bud right now. Ask him about bingeing and eating for boredom or to push away feelings and if he's doing this, let him know he's not a freak, many people do it, and that there is real, effective help available that can fix it for good. This should calm him down.

The other tip I'd give to make sure he doesn't gain any more weight is to eat his evening meal nice and early, 5:30pm preferably. Make it a decent, filling one and then after that he shouldn't eat until bed, except very low-carb foods like cheese, protein and olives. Our bodies wind down naturally in the evenings so eating carbs too late can mean we get a load of energy with nowhere to go.

Stay calm, don't dismiss his fears, and put a clear plan in place to deal with what's happening. You can handle this. PM me at any time if you need help.

I half agree with a PP about avoiding the mindset of "earning" treats through exercise, but on the other hand I think 12 is not a bad age to teach him how to take charge of his health. It's a good life lesson. I would be tempted to take the "oh, we all pack on a few pounds from time to time, in your case it's probably just that you're about to shoot up but lockdown's made us all more sedentary. I normally just lay off the biscuits for a few weeks and go for some runs when I feel a bit heavy. Shall we do it together?"

I think a lot of adults with weight problems have a very helpless attitude towards their weight, and it can't be a bad thing to learn early that gains can be easily solved if you nip them in the bud by cutting snacks and upping exercise. I expect you'll see results very quickly at his age (and he may yet have a growth spurt) if you encourage each other in not eating between meals, not having sweets and going on a few runs, and I think that would be a really healthy and valuable lesson for him.

I can't see how you can begin to deal with this without knowing if he is in fact overweight, and by how much? You can't assume body dysmorphia if he is actually overweight. Has anyone actually said he is binge eating? Importantly, what sort of weights are other household members?

You need to know if he's overweight and by how much if you're to deal with it properly.

I'm going to go against the grain here a bit. If he has put on weight and is aware of it and you are telling him that he isn't fat, you could be kind of gaslighting him. Not intentionally but it might still be doing more harm than good. I know that when I was overweight, that being able to voice that to people was very important to my decision and ability to do something about it. But so, so many people I said it to insisted that I absolutely wasn't overweight. I know it was with the best intentions, in fact if an overweight friends says so to me, I struggle big time to not immediately reassure her that she isn't, because it's ingrained in us not to do anything that will make someone feel bad. Even if it means us all staying in denial about something potentially important.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad idea to help you DS find out what he weighs and his BMI. If he isn't overweight it will reassure him. If he is, it will be the first tool he needs to help work out where he wants to be. Then work out and at home sports programme with a fitness goal in mind. Improved strength, endurance and flexibility as the goal, with the healthy weight as an added bonus. And dietary changes with health and fitness in mind. Achieving/staying at a healthy weight is important so don't dismiss that. But keep it as one part of an overall health and fitness goals lifestyle. Not a diet, iyswim.

You need to know if he's overweight and by how much if you're to deal with it properly

But how would you know "how much" overweight he is? BMI doesn't tell you that, BMI tells you how much over the realistic maximum weight you might be, the range is large and many people are overweight whilst still within the "healthy" BMI range - particularly at ages where some will have gone through puberty and others not.