To try an avoid sounding too much like the book, and to want five minutes bloody peace?

[mcgonagalscat]

We have a 4month old and a 3 year old. Every morning 3 year old wakes up and calls for me (bedroom on a different floor). Every morning I try and wake DH to get him to go down and take DS down for brekkie, and every morning it takes so much effort to get DH awake and alert that by that time 4month old is wide awake too.
Every weekday morning I end up taking the pair of them down whilst DH wakes up slowly because 'he can't wake up quickly'

At weekends we have a day each for a lie in. My day - I have to wake DH, wait for him to 'wake up properly' go and get DS1 and bring him up to our bed whilst DH fannies around. On DH lie in day, I sneak out of the room quietly and that's that.

Tonight I fed baby for the 400th time today and snuck up for a bath. Baby wakes up, husband does nothing to keep him calm, but lay on the sofa letting him get more and more worked up until I have to leave my bath before I've washed/exfoliated/shaved or done hair.

DH can't see why I'm cross with him. Why should he walk baby in the pram for ten mins to keep him calm, or why should he come up to bathroom and perch on the side of the bath so DS can see me and calm down? Etc etc

It's so frustrating but I don't know what the solution is. I've just lost my temper a bit and called him selfish.

YANBU. He's a selfish prick.

Hang in there though, it gets better. It's tough with kids those ages.

yes selfish.

When we had small children, I remember that I would wake up when toddler woke up (by coming into our room and jumping on the bed - on my side)
I was then awake and dh asleep. He could not understand why he should wake up and gte up because I was already awake.

It took me having a melt down one day and then explaining that just for ONE morning, I wanted to not be in charge, even if I was awake, even if I had to wake up to bf baby, I wanted him ot be in charge, to take baby and toddler and take them out of our room, so I could either go back to sleep, or just lie in bed in peace and quiet.

He did get it and things changed. You need to spell it out. (I know you shouldn't have to to, but he isn't seeing it) If necessary, sleep in another room, go away, whatever it takes for him to understand that he HAS to learn to wake up and get up and do his share.

Yes I’ve been there. It doesn’t change unfortunately. It is selfish. And they can wake up if they want to. My ex was exactly the same and the toll of it really put a divide between us because it wasn’t fair and I really started to resent him which had an effect on our sex life and it went down hill from there.

Sorry no words of advice, I tried every thing and nothing worked long term apart from me leaving him.

Well I wouldn't be doing that on his lie in day. Test him exactly the same or as close as you can. Get the 3 yo and dunno him on Dad whilst you sir or the baby in the week. Of a weekend when it's your turn, replicate what he does.

But if be telling him that if he can not be arsed to take care is good own child, you night as well be single

Stop being so nice to him! Weekday mornings "hey 3yo, daddy needs some help waking up! Let's sing him some songs/jump on the bed/tickle him til he gets up!" When it's his lie-in, you fanny about in the room with the kids disturbing him. Don't go and intervene when you're busy and he's on baby duty - he blatantly isn't trying because he knows you'll just come and sort it. Time to start giving him a taste of his own medicine.

We had this.
And it's not because my DH is selfish.
He just isn't aware.
Like he doesn't see that it's a problem.
I literally had to spell it out - like a sequence of events. And then remind him the night before.
I know that might make you feel a bit like his mum, but repetition was the key for us.
And now he's pretty good.
The only annoying thing is that he sees it as 'my way'
So he asks stupid questions like "should I give the baby some porridge" and I'm like "what do you think. It's breakfast time.
But I think it will peter out as his confidence grows.
Good luck with whatever method you choose.

@KatnissK

Stop being so nice to him! Weekday mornings "hey 3yo, daddy needs some help waking up! Let's sing him some songs/jump on the bed/tickle him til he gets up!" When it's his lie-in, you fanny about in the room with the kids disturbing him. Don't go and intervene when you're busy and he's on baby duty - he blatantly isn't trying because he knows you'll just come and sort it. Time to start giving him a taste of his own medicine.

This

We had this.
And it's not because my DH is selfish.
He just isn't aware.
Like he doesn't see that it's a problem.
I literally had to spell it out - like a sequence of events. And then remind him the night before.
I know that might make you feel a bit like his mum, but repetition was the key for us.

This man child behaviour and lack of awareness is fundamentally selfish. You shouldn't have to mother your partner

@snappycamper

*We had this. And it's not because my DH is selfish. He just isn't aware. Like he doesn't see that it's a problem. I literally had to spell it out - like a sequence of events. And then remind him the night before. I know that might make you feel a bit like his mum, but repetition was the key for us.*

This man child behaviour and lack of awareness is fundamentally selfish. You shouldn't have to mother your partner

Correct, you shouldn't, a man who needs to have basic consideration explained to him is deeply unattractive. However, it seems in OP's case it's that or divorce, so I'd go with repetitive explanation.

He sounds completely selfish! My husband although yes he does wake slightly slower than me would never expect me to do all this what a piss taker yours is! I don't get these men who think they don't have to help!

@SleepingStandingUp

Well I wouldn't be doing that on his lie in day. Test him exactly the same or as close as you can. Get the 3 yo and dunno him on Dad whilst you sir or the baby in the week. Of a weekend when it's your turn, replicate what he does.

But if be telling him that if he can not be arsed to take care is good own child, you night as well be single

Yeah this. Why are you creeping out of the room? Don't. Be. A. Doormat.

@notanaturalmum

We had this. And it's not because my DH is selfish. He just isn't aware. Like he doesn't see that it's a problem. I literally had to spell it out - like a sequence of events. And then remind him the night before. I know that might make you feel a bit like his mum, but repetition was the key for us. And now he's pretty good. The only annoying thing is that he sees it as 'my way' So he asks stupid questions like "should I give the baby some porridge" and I'm like "what do you think. It's breakfast time. But I think it will peter out as his confidence grows. Good luck with whatever method you choose.

Fuck that!! I a married a grown up and he can sort his shit out or ship out! Repetition my arse!

This has got to be one of the least attractive traits a man can have (or woman!).
I didn't have kids with my ex but on my list of reasons for leaving him, one that was high was his inability to get up in the morning, like he'd sleep until lunch every weekend and on work days he would get up with literally 5 minutes before he had to leave the house, I know people say that but he actually was proud of it. I just used to cringe at the lazy shit.
Anyway, don't put up with it, my point is you must be struggling to be attracted to him by now??? This would be the kiss of death for me.

I had something similar with my ex. He couldn't understand why he needed to rock the pram for a few minutes, get up quickly on my lie in day, etc. We had agreed how things would work before our first child was born and he wasn't holding up his side of the bargain. So, I informed him that we would all get up together going forward. By the second night of being woken every time the baby did, he apologised and we renegotiated our agreement.