Step Parent query

[PurpleThistles84]

Couldn’t think of a suitable title. DH and I have been married five years, together for six. My children from my first marriage are 15,14,11 and 10. DH and I also have one DS aged 16 months.

DH will never reprimand his SDC. For example, because the baby had me up for most of the night, this morning he got up and I went to bed for a couple of hours sleep. The moment I opened my eyes, DH said to me that it was a nice day and the kids should be outside and not on technology etc. But at no point did he actually do anything about this. He just waited for me to get up.

DH is usually always right about what he thinks the DC should be doing, it’s not that I have a problem with. But why can’t he just tell them himself?

Is it unreasonable to expect a step parent to do this? I get the first four are not biologically his so maybe I’m being unfair?

This approach worked very well with our blended families and still does - neither of us expresses a negative opinion on each others kids or told them what to do. It means there hasn't been any stepparent conflict. My DH might make a suggestion or invite the kids to do something, but he doesn't tell them. But neither of us ever had sole care of the others kids. We got together when they were all teenagers.

On mumsnet there is the rule that step-parents should never tell their step-children what to do and it should be left the parents.

In your case unless he started being proper in loco parentis within a year of meeting them e.g. 9 years ago it is unfair to expect him to suddenly take on that role and it's unfair on them to suddenly obey him.

My DP never used to parent his own children and I never said anything. However, after they visited my family home and had jumped all over the furniture one too many times, I spoke to him about it and he said he was more than happy for me to say something to them and would let me know if he thought I was overstepping boundaries.

I do now 'parent' them both and DP is happy with this.

(Having said that, I have just had my DSD write a hate letter about me that her mother kindly decided to send us, so she is obviously struggling with my input. DP and I are going to sit down with the children and come up with a list of 'house rules' so that it doesn't seem to my DSD that I am just picking on her).

I personally think it seems rather unjust that a step-parent is often told that they shouldn't have their input in the parenting of the children. My feeling is that if I am going to live with them then I need to be able to enforce rules, etc. otherwise my own life will be unbearable!

Maybe talk to your DH and see what he sees his role as. I never told the DSC to do anything until DP told me I could, so maybe he just doesn't realise that he is allowed to xx

I don’t have a problem parenting the kids it’s more when say, I’ve been asleep or out or something and he gives me a list of complaints as such. I get they aren’t his kids but in situations like the above, I don’t get why he doesn’t just deal with whatever it is, rather than wait to report it to me.

Why don't you ask him instead of Mumsnet? How are we going to know why he doesn't do it himself?

I would not want to tell step children what to do. X

Just sort out some rules. We don’t have tech after 9.30 and before 5pm (at the earliest - it’s often later, but varies depending on the day).

You’ve been married for five years, why haven’t you discussed this earlier? This isn’t going to be easy to rectify as your H and children are used to the status quo.