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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen friendship groups

21 replies

coffeeandteav · 06/08/2020 11:50

Have any of your teens friendships changed over lockdown? Due to things such as lack of proximity, parenting, access to technology, availability, sleep patterns and other such variables.

My dd , going into y8 in September, had a lovely group in y7. At the start of the lockdown she kept in touch with her best friend. Me and her mum became good mates over last few years;we did all sorts together. After the restrictions were over she saw this girl outside loads. She had not heard much from the other girls in the group due to things mentioned above.

However things suddenly changed dd became down and rude and like another person ( periods started)

Suddenly she is now in the cool girls group. Seems a bit happier but is withdrawn from me ( as apparently I am too strict- I am not really)

It's now awkward between me and the other mum. We were due to take the girl abroad on holiday but that's obviously cancelled. I also feel it was my dds fault more so for the breakdown in friendship bit the other girl can give as good as she gets from the texts I have seen.

So AIBU to feel sad her nice group has gone and now she is in the too cool for school false eyelashes, make up oompah loompah brigade or do I ride the wave?

We can't pick their mates can we?

I just think if no covid it may not have happened as she had school trips to france planned with original girls etc but then who knows.

Sorry just needed a chat about others experiences.

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeeandteav · 06/08/2020 18:50

Bump

OP posts:
BlueStargazer · 06/08/2020 21:30

I don't have any first hand experience, but my instinct is that you will have to let her choose her own friends and learn from her own mistakes for the main part. There are a few good books like Queen Bees and Wannabees and Girls Uninterrupted which have practical guidance on how to approach situations like this. Good luck.

user327253 · 06/08/2020 21:38

When you say 'access to technology' is one of the reasons she hasn't stayed in touch with the nicer friends, that is your answer. Their parents are stricter with internet usage. I deliberately didn't allow mine to have social media including WhatsApp in year 7. If you don't want her as part of the bitchy popular group, you need to remove her access to them. If you think that is extreme then you will have to relinquish any input in her friendship and let the popular girls take the reigns.

AranciaRosso · 06/08/2020 21:42

Ah the cool girls are always really popular Grin

Original poster
coffeeandteav · 07/08/2020 10:30

She has whatsapp as she her Dad's family is American, has sisters in another county and her Dad and I are not together. So I would not restrict that during the day.

Some kids just aren't texters either.

But thanks all something to think about.

OP posts:
HelloDulling · 07/08/2020 10:37

No, there is absolutely nothing you can do about who she is friends with, though you don’t need to pay out for the handbag-as-school-bag, eyebrows, nails etc. Keep being ‘SOOOOO strict’

With luck, the cool girl group, will lose its shine, and they may in any case drop her as fast as they have picked her up.

Year 8 friendship issues were the pits for my DD; she is about to start Year 10 with a lovely group.

malificent7 · 07/08/2020 11:12

If she seems a bit happier then let it go. My dd is part of the " cool" group. I roll my eyes at the demands for handbags etc and desire to be cool but i cannot choose.
I was not part of the cool group at school but i was unhappy with my uncool friendships.
As for social media...i give dd access to it but it has been great for her to keep in touch with her friends.

malificent7 · 07/08/2020 11:13

I think it is a shame about your mum friend though.

malificent7 · 07/08/2020 11:16

Also dd has started periods which makes them grow up over night. I know she finds some of the lovely girls from her year a bit childish now as they cannot really relate to the period drama.

CatsArePeopleToo · 07/08/2020 11:20

Setting up your kid to be excluded so they are not "cool" is your goal? Wow

Original poster
coffeeandteav · 07/08/2020 11:22

@CatsArePeopleToo

Setting up your kid to be excluded so they are not "cool" is your goal? Wow
That isn't me intention at all!

I am just said about my mum friend and I her rudeness at the moment is hard.
I just wanted other people's experiences on friendship groups.

OP posts:
Original poster
coffeeandteav · 07/08/2020 11:24

@malificent7

Also dd has started periods which makes them grow up over night. I know she finds some of the lovely girls from her year a bit childish now as they cannot really relate to the period drama.
That is true. It was a total personality change.
OP posts:
lanthanum · 07/08/2020 11:30

Summer term of year 7 is peak time for friendship changes, in my experience - it might well have nothing to do with lockdown.

Original poster
coffeeandteav · 07/08/2020 11:40

@lanthanum

Summer term of year 7 is peak time for friendship changes, in my experience - it might well have nothing to do with lockdown.
True. I will never know.
OP posts:
CatsArePeopleToo · 07/08/2020 11:45

Puberty will hit the "good" girls too. There is no telling how they will behave

Bbq1 · 07/08/2020 11:48

I have a ds, 14 due to go into Year 10. Definitely less drama with boys friendships, no bitchiness. My ds makes friends really easily and in Year 7 made really good friends with about 8 other boys then in Year 8 that changed, still friendly with the other boys but moved into another group. In Year 9, he found his permanent group but remained good friends with some of the boys from other groups and on good terms with the others. It's ideal as he has a main friendship group and various other good friends from others too. So, i would say is that friendships do evolve and change especially in Years 7 and 8. However, limit the access to the girls you don't want her to be friendly with, ignore demands for designer schoolbag etc. Could you not arrange a get together with dd and your friend's daughter?

RedskyAtnight · 07/08/2020 11:51

Between Year 7 and Year 8 there are a lot of changes anyway (lots of children realise the friends they made quickly in Year 7 aren't actually real friends).

Both my teens have changed friendships during lockdown. Some people were better than others at keeping in touch, so they've both made different friends by virtue of "speaking" more. Also lockdown seems to have exacerbated dramas, so they've both fallen out badly with long term friends, in a way I suspect would not have happened if they'd seen each other every day. There's also been a split around those who try to SD and those who don't - DD has had to stop seeing some of her previous friends because she wants to SD and they think it's silly. Equally one of DD's friends is not allowed to go out and meet her friends, and DD is definitely now less friendly with her. She obviously realises this is not the girl's fault, but it's hard to maintain a relationship over social media.

I'm very interested to see if there's a further shift in friendships when they go back to school.

RedskyAtnight · 07/08/2020 11:53

I have a ds, 14 due to go into Year 10. Definitely less drama with boys friendships, no bitchiness.

IME boys go through the friendship drama/bitchiness stage a year or so later than girls (where it seemed to peak in Year 9). Brace yourself!!

Friendsoftheearth · 07/08/2020 11:57

I have had this experience twice, if you value the friendship with the mother of the friend then meet for coffee, and acknowledge that the girls seem to be changing a lot at the moment; and there will be many more changes in the future. Make it clear that feel it is important that you step back at this age, your dd is free to make decisions and try out new friendship circles and it is all a learning experience. If she talks to you about how difficult her child is finding it, I would acknowledge and be understanding, and talk generally about how hard it is growing up.

For me, this saved both of my friendships! We laugh about it now. Of course your friend's dd will find new friends, and her own way and the girls might well end up being good friends again in the future anyway.

If your friendship is built on true affection rather than convenience, it will weather this little teen storm. In the meantime bright and breezy until your friend is feeling a little less rattled by it.

BTW I would definitely not recommend you take her off SM unless you want her to be left out completely, this is how they stay in touch, make arrangements and get to know each other. You take her off, you risk her becoming an outsider regardless of what group she is find herself in. I have seen over and over again with my teen dds over the years, and the girls not on SM lose all of their friends as they can't be part of so many 'get togethers' on line, especially in a lockdown.

Original poster
coffeeandteav · 07/08/2020 12:18

Thanks all some good advice will try that with the other mother. Then its up to her.

OP posts:
Bbq1 · 07/08/2020 14:45

@RedskyAtnight

I have a ds, 14 due to go into Year 10. Definitely less drama with boys friendships, no bitchiness.

IME boys go through the friendship drama/bitchiness stage a year or so later than girls (where it seemed to peak in Year 9). Brace yourself!!

Ha ha, hope not! I very much doubt it, he's headed for Year 10 and he's settled
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