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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if anyone else here lived with their father growing up?

18 replies

GrootFroot · 06/08/2020 11:15

Rather than their mother?

When my parents separated when I was a child I wanted to stay with my Dad and I did so. He was and still is an absolutely wonderful parent.

I do love my mum but I just know (and I think I did then too) that I would be better cared for and more secure with my Dad. Even now, I feel like I have a close relationship with my mum but more like a friendship. I still think of my Dad as the parent and he's still the one I'd go to if I needed a 'parents advice'.

A friend of mine recently asked if I felt I missed out on anything by spending most of my childhood living with my Dad instead.

AIBU to think you don't have to live with a mother to have a perfectly good childhood and not 'miss out' on anything?

Anyone else live with their father growing up? I know I definitely wouldn't have changed my decision if I could go back.

OP posts:

quing · 06/08/2020 11:30

Not quite what you're asking as my parents didn't split up until I was an adult, but this is one of the reasons I am really glad they stayed together as long as they did.
I was super close to my Dad as a child. He took my to my hobbies (lots of time in the car together), helped with my homework, played games with me in the evenings.
My mum was a SAHM and if they'd split there was no way we would have lived with my dad, but I feel like I would have missed out on a huge amount as a result.

Original poster

GrootFroot · 06/08/2020 13:47

I guess it depends on your parents. Don't get me wrong, my mum was a good mum I just felt better being with my dad and I don't think I missed out by seeing my mum every other week instead.

Perhaps I would have been better off had they stayed together although I don't think this personally but in terms of missing out in a separated parents scenario just because I didn't live full time with my mum rather than my dad, I don't think so.

OP posts:

LupinsNotLilys · 06/08/2020 13:52

Yes, I lived with my father and we were very close. I couldn't have asked for a better dad

I've been asked if I resent my mum for leaving, and it's something she's felt guilty for for a long time. But it just isn't an issue for me. She made a decision and I accept it. I don't understand it in the respect I wouldn't do it. But I accept it and I've no ill feelings towards her

We saw her many times a week. I don't feel I missed out for this reason. She was still around

HollowTalk · 06/08/2020 13:56

What was your mum's reaction when you said you wanted to go with your dad?

Emeraldshamrock · 06/08/2020 13:56

Not at all my friends mother died as a DC her father is amazing.
A good secure parent is important.
My DM was my sole carer they were together but my dad was useless as a dad old school he'd more interest in the newspaper than his children.
It doesn't matter where the support comes from once it's there.
Your Dad sounds lovely.

Eatyourbanana · 06/08/2020 13:58

Similar to you, good mum but chose to live with my dad. I am close to them both, but realistically I would say I am probably closer to my dad & would go to him first with any problems. Done me no harm.

BiBabbles · 06/08/2020 14:01

I lived with my father. Best choice I made at that age, I think I would have really struggled with the rest of my teen years if I'd continued living with my mother.

Original poster

GrootFroot · 06/08/2020 14:02

@HollowTalk

What was your mum's reaction when you said you wanted to go with your dad?

I don't really know as I was young so she may well have been hurt but she didn't show that to me iyswim.

I can't really explain why to be honest. I just feel much more secure with my Dad. My mum had some serious mental health problems when I was young that ended up in some erratic behaviour and a suicide attempt and to be honest I think this scared me a bit. My dad was just always the one constant throughout that never changed if that makes sense?

I know now that it wasn't my mum's fault, but as a child I think that did worry me and probably swayed my decision for me.

It's always been my dad that I remember doing things like taking time off when I was ill, collecting to and from school etc... I know it wasn't easy for him (he worked as a police officer then so there was shift work) but he never shirked his responsibilities like you see a lot of father's doing on here. I think because of this I just still felt like I got all the love and care I needed, just not from the usual child living with mother scenario, mine was with my father instead.

OP posts:

Howcanwehelp · 06/08/2020 14:05

I've found my tribe. My mother left home when I was little taking my brother with her. dad bought me up and we are still close today, we go to concerts together and he babysits my kids. I haven't seen my mother since I was 20, so probably half my life.

Original poster

GrootFroot · 06/08/2020 14:08

It's nice to see some great father's on here :) we don't see it so often on MN I find which is sad.

As I say, my mum wasn't a bad mum, I still saw her, I still see her and am close to her now. There was just a security I felt with my Dad that I didn't feel with her at the time.

OP posts:

Whatcanido121 · 06/08/2020 14:36

Me.
My mum packed her bags on Mother’s Day when I was 4 (a week before my 5th birthday) and she asked who I wanted to stay with. I chose my dad.

I saw some horrible things as a child as my mum was an alcoholic.

She died when I was 12 so I never really got to experience that ‘mum’ figure in my life as she was in and out when it suited.

It hurt my dad when she left and even more so when she died, fell into depression thinking he didn’t do enough for her. He still visits her grave every week.

On the positive, I’ve always been close to my dad and will always be grateful and thankful that he played both parents to me so unbelievably well and is a fantastic grandad to my two children who love and adore him.

He truly has always been and continues to be amazing.

Nitw1t · 06/08/2020 14:47

My DM died when I was 18. So I didn't grow up with a solo Dad, but she was ill for a while and there were a couple of important teenage years when it was just my Dad, and my 2 younger siblings were very early teens.

I love my dad. He's a brilliant, successful and kind man. He didn't provide the emotional security that my mum did though. I don't envy him a crowd of bereaved teenagers as a parenting challenge though, he was definitely more resilient than I gave him credit for at the time.

I think that my siblings (even though we're all in our 40s now) still rely on me for practical and emotional support to some extent, it's really not DDads forte. (Not being big headed, I'm just their first call in a crisis).

StopGo · 06/08/2020 14:55

My mother walked out leaving our father to bring us up. She simply didn't want us.

Trisolaris · 06/08/2020 14:59

My dp did. Parents divorced when he was 11 and his mum said she wouldn’t let him see his father do courts have custody to his dad who was happy for him to him to go and see his mum whenever he wanted. (They lived in the same village). I think that was the right decision.

pandarific · 06/08/2020 15:03

I asked to. Alas, what I wanted didn't really count for much.

Boom45 · 06/08/2020 15:07

My half siblings stayed with their (our) dad and we all grew together. Me, them, my mum and our dad. Their birth mother didnt really see them at all growing up and they see her a couple of times a year now. My Dad is a great dad and we were all very loved growing up

sugarbum · 06/08/2020 15:21

Sort of, for a bit. Its a bit complicated my story!
My mum left when I was a toddler and was in and out of my life until I was 5 when she moved abroad.

My dad was in the forces and worked overseas a lot, so he had no option to take me to live with my nan when I was 2. He visited when he was in the UK. I remember them preparing me for being taken by my mum at 5 (she won the initial custody battle even though she hardly saw me for 3 years, but my dad appealed and won, which I think was pretty rare in the 70's)
Eventually he was able to get a job in the UK and he re-married (I think I was 5 or 6) and I went to live with them, but the marriage was extremely short lived (she was a cow to me), and I went back to my nan. Then she got ill and I moved in with him until he met his third wife and I went to live with them both when I was 8.

So I was all over the place really, but my dad and my nan were my 'go to's until she died when I was 10. By then I was living with my dad and step mum, but he really was my 'parent' until he died a decade ago. He was a great human being. Tolerant and patient and wise. I miss him a lot. He got to meet both his grandchildren which I'm grateful for (he died when my youngest was 5 months old)

MuchTooTired · 06/08/2020 15:34

I was brought up by my Dad. I love my Mum very much, she’s a good Mum but my Dad provided a lot more stability and I’m glad I stayed with him.

It was difficult at the time for him I know, and also for my Mum as it seemed much more unusual an arrangement then in the 80’s/90’s.

Neither of my parents are perfect, but they did a pretty great job in difficult circumstances and I’m very grateful for my upbringing. Dad is my go to parent even now, he’s great and we’re very close.

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