Why all the guilt

[Binny36]

I’m just always feeling guilty. I don’t know whether it’s something other people feel or not. DH is very professional-business like and unemotional so he doesn’t understand. My mother is very cold so obviously can’t talk to her and don’t want to come across crazy to friends as I put on a bubbly happy persona to people in RL. So often I feel I can’t discuss my feelings to anyone except strangers on mumsnet!

Take today for example I’m feeling intensely guilty and ashamed of myself because I spoke to neighbours recently about their kids ball coming over and damaging my plants and broken few of my glass things in garden. To note I have never raised this before so put up with it for many years but reading other people’s stories on mumsnet I got the courage to speak to them. I just found them quite off and like it’s not a big deal it happens kind of attitude. I had a slight confrontation via text message over their attitude and now I feel guilty. The thing is we never a time when they’re not in their garden! pre-covid days me and husband would work f/t and I wouldn’t get back home late in evening. Whereas for them the mother is SAHM (not having a go obviously just for context). On weekends we would be out with kids and we would go on 2 week holidays twice a year. Xmas and New Years would always be away to family. My point is they have over the years gotten a lot of time to themselves but we are unable to sit peacefully in garden at all! My kids play but are never destructive and their play stays within our garden and doesn’t extend to anyone else’s garden. I feel guilty for over-reacting at their under-reaction but this is the only time my family will have together as when things ease up husband will be travelling for work again. I feel we can’t enjoy our garden ever in peace.

Just go out in your garden and if stuff comes over ask them to be careful?

It's fine to ask them to be careful with their balls but if you live in a house with neighbours then you need to get used to being in your garden when other people are in theirs, without the guilt.

@Boomclaps thank you and I know it sounds very simple but I’m feeling guilty today as I haven’t seen their car since my confrontation! Just for context they never go anywhere. So I’m feeling guilty that I was over the top in my reaction and now they feel scared being in their garden. I’m a very gentle person naturally do I feel immense emotional guilt today that I may have come across as a bully and nasty. Sorry for the childish words but I’m trying to express how I feel. Basically I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable by my confrontation.

Yabu to expect that they don't get to enjoy their garden how they please, so that you can enjoy how you please. Neither trumps on another. And tbh if you don't wish to hear neighbour garden noise then may be you need to consider moving to a more remote area with no neighbours.

You shouldn't feel guilty for mentioning the balls. Though this does happen. Her blasé attitude seems to have got you all puffed up though, and has made you appear more unreasonable by your mentioning the holidays etc you normally have and now because you haven't the world aka neighbour has to stop doing what they have always done!

@Boom45 thank you. I think it’s just years of anger that they could at least once stab”sorry about the call always coming over” then I would just have responded it’s okay they’re kids. I feel just once them acknowledging would have made all the difference

Typos on previous post!

@Boom45 thank you. I think it’s just years of anger that they could at least once said “sorry about the ball always coming over” then I would just have responded it’s okay they’re kids. I feel just if once them acknowledging would have made all the difference

@SoloMummy I don’t care what they do in their garden but they are always extending it into ours. The ball comes over, the water balloons come over, nerf guns dart thing etc etc
Why doesn’t play stay in their garden. I have kids, other ndn has kids but their play stays within their garden

OP, that doesn’t sound like a normal thing to feel guilty about in the way you describe. Do your feelings of guilt get in the way of normal life? It might be worth getting some counselling.

As a child were you allowed to
Express your feelings freely? Or were you made to feel guilty for doing so?

You have to say things as they happen. They probably underreacted because they didn’t know your comments were years of pent up frustration. Bottling stuff up never helps because then when it bursts out it can seem totally disproportionate to the trigger.
Make it a policy not to bite your tongue anymore. Just politely and proportionately mention this as they happen. This way you shouldn’t have things to brood on or incidents to feel guilty about.

Do you think you feel guilty because you bottled your resentment up for years and let it all come out at once? So, rather than it being a simple ‘Here’s your ball! Do you mind being a bit careful as it broke a few glasses? Thanks!’ whenever there was a problem, it became a bigger deal in your mind (unbeknownst to them) and perhaps that meant the way you delivered the message wasn’t ideal, especially as they probably had no idea the things coming over the fence were causing a problem? I don’t think it’s normal to feel guilty over this sort of thing but I can imagine feeing embarrassed if I got unnecessarily angry or irritated with a neighbour and let it out to them.

Op, do you always feel this guilty Or is it a new thing? The reason I ask is because we’ve had quite a few members of staff within the large organisation where I work, diagnosed with stress and anxiety due to the current pandemic. Most Of whom are usually very considered, resilient people.
Irrespective of whether it’s new or long-standing, have you thought of seeking out a talking therapy? It sounds like an impartial pair of ears may help, as When I was diagnosed with anxiety, I felt my partner/family wouldn’t be that understanding (very British, stiff upper lip nonsense) and I didn’t want to overburden friends. I spoke with occupational health at work in the end, who referred me to an outside organisation for a bit of talking therapy, and I found it really helpful, they taught me a few tricks to nip things in the bud as soon as I recognise myself getting anxious.

Yeah I know it’s not normal to feel this guilty.

As a child, even now as an adult, I feel I’m not allowed to have feelings on anything. It’s always encouraged to just smile and bite
your tongue and not cause a stir.

@museumum fantastic advice. Thank you! You sound very knowledgeable in this area.

augie yes you’re right I have bottled up my feelings all these years. I’ve had to put my lovely glass fairies in the shed as didn’t want them to break. They’re solar powered and look beautiful but I’ve never been able to enjoy them in my own garden. I know ndn they’re kids but why do I have to miss out on doing what I want in my own garden. I think this brings back memories of my mums attitude that everyone else’s feelings and needs are more important than mine!

@FluffyRabbitGal thank you. Yes I know exactly what you mean about the British stuff upper lip! Lol. I was always made to feel that people that show emotions are crazy

But the guilt is only part of the issue.
Your entitlement is a far bigger problem.
The neighbours have been using their garden in a normal matter and now you think they should not be because you cannot holiday.

OMG @SoloMummy so breaking my stuff, having balls thrown into my head and my kids head and having my plants damaged is ALL NORMAL? Plus I’m having to put my glass ornaments that haven’t been broken into my shed.

where do you live?

As in where do you live if this is classed as normal garden behaviour

I’m so sorry for not wanting my kids to get hurt or my stuff damaged that I have paid my hard earned cash. I’m not trying to argue but just want to understand how is this entitled behaviour? I’m not goading your but I just want to understand.

Whenever balls come over don't throw them back. Ask them to come to the door and get them. Not the kids, the parents. Once it is a hassle for the parents then they will see to it that fewer things come over the fence.

Bowler- the kids climb over the fence and ask for their stuff. The parents just sit there and don’t tell them not to disturb us. I hate sitting out there it’s just so awkward all the time. Obviously I give ball back as I wouldn’t want to come across as rude. I think the more I’m writing this the more I’m getting angrier and in my head I’m thinking no I shouldn’t feel guilty! It’s a bloody awful mindset I’m in. My sister just told me I’ve been really nice to them all these years and if it was her she’d have put rules in place long ago.

Can you get a higher fence and train brambles or such like up it?

You feel guilty because you have been raised to believe your opinions and feeling matter less than everyone else’s, so it feels like a major transgression when you express a viewpoint, no matter how reasonable.

It’s learned behaviour, and can be unlearned, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would really help, as it helps you identify the unhelpful thinking (the bit where your head tells you your opinions don’t matter) and then replace that with something more helpful (ie, my views and feelings are as important as everyone else’s.) Takes time and repetition to sink in, but is really helpful.

The other thing to take a look at is Assertiveness training. Right now you are being passive, and getting angry with yourself for it.

@Binny36

OMG *@SoloMummy* so breaking my stuff, having balls thrown into my head and my kids head and having my plants damaged is ALL NORMAL? Plus I’m having to put my glass ornaments that haven’t been broken into my shed.

where do you live?

If the situation has been extensive and long going as you state, then you have been complicit in letting this continue. You have no idea how aware the parents actually are. And if you haven't challenged this behaviour before, you cannot expect it to change overnight. Their behaviour certainly sounds boisterous, but not vindictive in doing so purposely. And again an element of balls over fences is expected if you live with neighbours, to a certain extent.

You stated, My point is they have over the years gotten a lot of time to themselves but we are unable to sit peacefully in garden at all! and this seems more the crux, that you're perhaps more pissed that your usual lifestyle has changed.
I also don't see anything in this thread that suggests you have an issue with conflict. If you did you've overcome it!