To ask how to fix parenting?

[gumball37]

Read a bit of the gentle parenting thread but didn't want to hijack.

I'm a shouty mom. I fucking hate it. I'm consciously trying to do better but get stuck when my 2 and 3 yo just don't listen or drag bedtime (they share a room) out for 30mins-hr past when things are "settled".

How can I fix this before I fuck them up beyond belief? Family is all dead so can't just ask for help irl

What do you mean by shouty and under what circumstances? I think with kids that age as long as you aren’t shouting all the time it’s fine - but you do need to accept that you may need to shout more than if they’re older.

I don't have any answers as I've also got into a habit of shouting being my first response when I'm frustrated. Not really sure how best to change my reactions when they're so instant. So you're not on your own and I'm interested in other replies!

How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 www.amazon.co.uk/dp/184812614X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_7tWkFbA1FSJ4X?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@GrumpyHoonMain

Well like when my daughter won't quit shoving or kicking or hitting her little brother.

When they get into something they aren't supposed to and ruin in (like... Dumping a bag of chips on the floor or breaking something of my older son's or mine)

And bedtime is always my daughter... She just keeps getting up over and over and bugging her brother. The only solution there is that I have her sit on my bed until her brother is asleep and then put her to bed. She won't wake him up in that circumstance but if he's awake she tries to keep him up.

I came across Dan Siegel and Tina Payne's books professionally and they have influenced my parenting in a really positive way. I highly recommend the No drama discipline book.

The best advice I've ever been given is 'one thing at a time'

Don't look at the situation as a whole, break it up.

"Tonight there will be no kicking. There might be screaming, there might be shouting, there might be arguing, but no kicking"

And every few days add a thing on.

Also, the old school but brilliant sticker reward charts often work great.

But I think the most important thing is you e recognised a need to change.

Don't forget, even the most calm parents shout sometimes.

Can you put her to bed in your bed and transfer her across when she’s asleep? It sounds like typical toddler behaviour, of just try to avoid situations where they really play up.

If you're shouting a lot and don't want to, then likely you're burned out and/or being pushed to the point of exhaustion.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate - do you have a partner? How many kids?

Also, remember that no one gets everything right every day.

Make sure your aims and targets are within reach

I think the trick is to keep everything as calm as possible - even if that means one of them is zombied in front of the tv while you get the other one sorted out. You haven’t said what you do just now at bedtime but maybe have dinner, straight into bath (together or separately, whatever is the most relaxed) then milk, teeth and story and blanket on the couch/in bed. No running around or shouting - even if that means they sit dripping wet on a towel in front of Hey Duggee until the routine is established.

Hope that doesn’t sound shit - I hate routine normally but a calm, consistent bedtime structure is honestly one of the best things we’ve implemented in our house.

I was raised in a shouty, smacking household so I made a conscious effort not to be that person. It is good that you recognise you are doing it.

I would say a couple of things, one, pretend you are being filmed or open your windows so everyone in the street can hear you. Remove the kicking child rather than shouting, then pile all your attention on the one being kicked.

Also tomorrow before bedtime tell your DD that if she continues to get out of bed and disturb her brother he gets to stay in your bedroom with you until she sleeps. You are rewarding her bad behaviour by her having one on one time with her whilst her brother drifts off to sleep.

You give your attention to the good behaviour, when they are kind, when they play nicely together. Pounce on it the second you see it. It is a method used in schools to show what behaviour you want.

Also positive language only. So no "don't kick your brother" more "we only kick footballs", no "don't run" more "please walk" our brains are programmed in a weird way.

Good luck, sticker charts or putting a smiley face on a chart is good, you can divide the chart down into sections so how nicely they sit to eat etc rather than an entire day or morning. Those things are big chunks of time.

You give your attention to the good behaviour

This. My family laugh at me for praising such minor things "oh wow, that was great stepping out of the door" "that's brilliant, you put your cup down so nicely" but it actually brings such a happy/positive feel to the house.

It also means that when I say no, I mean it, and the change in my voice is very obvious as they're so used to hearing a positive/upbeat voice

Ask your health visitor to refer you to a parenting programme. Lots of areas are doing them online now.
In the meantime, focus on praising good behaviour (if you can't find anything good, praise the not actually bad stuff).
Routines are the saviour of arguments. At the moment you have a routine, but you don't like it - it involves DD keeping Ds up at bedtime. Devise a new routine to replace it (the programme will help with that!)

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read: (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did)
Book by Philippa Perry
I listened to it on Audible and it has literally changed my parenting and consequently my relationship with my DCs. I was that shouty parent but I realised things had to change after I lost my shit and my NDN text to see if I was ok . Things are so much better now - it’s about realising what you are doing and how that impacts your children, it also changes how you view situations. It’s brilliant, not a behaviour book more like therapy!

I am so sorry I just bailed on this thread. My sim card in my cell shit the bed, so I had to run to the store to get a new one as I couldn't call or text anyone and that isn't a situation I want to be in.

I truly appreciate the information and support. Tonight was better as I kept my shouting in check. One step at a time as they say.

To answer...

I am in the US. No health visitor.

I will check out the books... If they're available on audio that would be perfect because I can listen while I work.

Our routine is bath/teeth, books, singing lullabies, then I'd rock my son (something that started when we had to cold turkey the paci when he bit through it😬) while my daughter laid in her bed... Or well... That was the plan. Id then either yell at her repeatedly about just laying in bed, or yell at her and send her to my bed or the kitchen table to wait til he was asleep. Then I'd take her in and she'd lay right down and go to sleep.

No partner. My eldest (13) has me talk health issues and is to my ex who is utterly useless. My last 2 are donor babies because ... Hindsight being what it is... I was a massive idiot and thought I was capable of being a great mother even without my mom's help. I'm not the worst... But with my eldest's issues and the other so close together (21 months apart)... It's a lot harder than I anticipated. I also lost a lot of friends the only other support I had because I didn't deal with my mom's death and my son's issues well at all. Add covid and I'm just a mess.