Cutting ties with family AIBU?

[Beblessednotstressed]

AIBU to want to cut ties with my family? And how do I do it without causing a huge drama?!

A little bit of context, as otherwise we’d be here all day!

I had a traumatic childhood fall of neglect, and abuse. My dad an alcoholic who took drugs, my mum neglected our needs and withheld love. I was always the dirty smelly weird kid at school, who was so desperate to have friends and be loved.

During lockdown I finally seeked help for my depression, and with counselling and lockdown, I am doing great!
It’s opened my eyes to my past, present and future though, and I am seriously wishing to cut ties with my family.

They’re all so so negative, judgemental and their past time hobby is to gossip about other people. My mum and dad are finally getting divorced after all this time, but it hasn’t changed their attitudes. My mum has turned my siblings against me, and I only know because one of them told me what was said.

Therefore I no longer have contact with my siblings, or my dad. The only one I speak to is my mum and purely it’s been on the benefit of my children. However surely it’s not benefiting any of us to be around this, especially seeing as she doesn’t take accountability for the past and sees no wrong in her parenting.

I keep making excuses to not see her, but why am I protecting her feelings? I’ve decided enough is enough and I’m not letting her affect my children’s childhood, when her influence on mine was so bad.

So AIBU? And how to do I cut contact without causing such a big drama? Slowly ease contact?
If I tell her I don’t want to speak anymore she would probably harass me daily, and take me to court for grandparent guardianship (is this even a thing?)

Please please be kind, I’m just trying to do the best for my small family to be happy, positive and healthy.

YANBU. I don't have personal experience but I see this a lot on here and people who have had similar issues always have great advice.

You sound like you are ready to live your life in the way you deserve to - free from the drama and abuse.

I think a clean cut off is best, no announcement, no drama. Block her on any device or app that she can use to contact you. Don't try and explain or try and make her understand.

Hopefully someone will be along with better advice! Good luck and be happy.

@beblessednotstressed I'm sorry for all you've been through. I am going through something similar with regards to cutting ties. I've suffered with repetitive tics through trauma since i was a child. During lockdown i started facing some disturbing flashbacks which i had blocked out my entire life (almost 40 now). Once I faced them, i found myself in a dark hole that i felt I couldn't climb out of. My sister used to abuse me when i was around 7 and she 14. Just like you, I've started counselling and its been the best thing I've ever done. I also began to limit contact some months before this for various reasons. I don't get on too well with my sister and her OH is what i would describe as narcissistic. I felt like they were toxic for me, the gossip, their not having boundaries etc. Eventually they started to push for answers as to why i was so distant, i kept making excuses and it went on until recently they started pushing again. I brought up something that my sister had said about me to someone else and used that as the excuse to cut contact, i couldnt tell anyone the truth, I'm only just dealing with it for the first time myself. it hasn't made sense to them or my family but I guess I'm protecting everyone from the truth of why i really want her out of my life. When I told her that i wanted to cut off contact from here on, her OH suggested i might need mental help. That's what narcs do when you don't behave the way they want, they like to cause insult and stir the pot to cause drama - it feeds them. The best thing i could have done at that moment was to block them. I feel this is not the end of it and that there will be drama caused on their part and I'm sure they will bad mouth me and i still cant even tell anyone the truth of what happened to me as a child, how the trauma has caused me to suffer with horribly painful tics for 30+ years. How i grew up to let other people in my life abuse me because i had low self esteem. I really don't know what is the best advice to give you but for me, i finally took that stand to no longer be abused by her or anyone else in my life and blocking them, i did not feel the need to further explain beyond the reason I had given and I didn't want messages flying back and forth. i was simply done. Just do what feels right for you, and what makes you feel confident and strong inside. Take care.

If you are in the UK grandparents have no legal rights. You tell your mother you and your kids are having a fresh start and whilst you wish her well you feel you need to distance yourself from her for the time being. Tell her you are processing your childhood and unless she can acknowledge her wrong doings and maybe get help herself you feel her negativity is not good for you and your children.

I could've written some of this.

Cut mines off around 6 months ago and feel so much better not having to worry/feel guilt about them.

Still being in contact with your abuser/s will do absolutely nothing to help your mental health. Set yourself free from these people.

Just walk away. Be busy.

Have you thought about counselling?

I had a similar early childhood. My father was a drink addled junkie who was violent and cruel. My mother was a drink addled selfish woman who put us in the firing line to protect herself. Even though I was taken by my Grandparents at 7, so relatively young, I still found counselling as an adult amazingly helpful. Especially with regards to parenting

What good does she bring your children's lives? Probably nothing. No grandparents are better than shit grandparents.

Grandparents can apply to court for permission to apply for access, but it's extremely rare and only happens in cases when the GP's have played a massively beneficial part in the child's life. It only ever happens if it's in the benefit of the child.

To put into context I worked in schools for 12 years. I did learning support so worked in 3/4 schools at a time. In all that time I know of 1 set of GP's who were given permission to apply for access. They had had the child live with them for several years before the child returned to the parents and they were basically a second set of parents. That's the only reason they were allowed.

Thank you so much for your responses, and sorry for the delay replying!

So I followed advice and blocked her on everything. Didn’t know she had my email though and I woke up yesterday to an email saying something along the lines of ‘your phone must not be working, I’ve tried texting you. I’ve found a house in your area that I love so I’m moving closer to help you with childcare’

What am I supposed to do?!
I don’t even need childcare, and she wouldn’t be my first, second or even third choice!
I haven’t responded so far, should I blocked her email too and just ignore? :(

Yes. Definitely block and ignore.

Block and ignore.

If the worst came to the worst are you in a position to be able to move?

I couldve written this some 5 or 6 years ago.

I had years of my mum deciding ahe wanted to be in my life, then not in my life, then in my life. I remember being in a really place because of it, I'd learned that the only place I could be liked was by my family because everyone else thought I was smelly and a tramp, but even they didn't like me enough to treat me like a person.

I'd also been threatened with my mother taking me to court to get my daughter from me because she was such a big part of DDs life.

Even after I stopped contact with her, she would send DD who was 7 cards and letters saying how she was so loved but I was a bitch and was keeping her away from the family but soon enough they would all be together.

Well, the best thing I ever did was move and change my phone number.
Of course, there were posts on Facebook and they contacted my friends with sob stories about how fucking evil rumble was.

Truth is, I am a little bit cold hearted now, but only because of the experience with my family. Its just a lot of shit that comes with them.

Since moving i feel safe, I don't have to worry about false allegations, I dont jave to worry about anyone turning up at my door to physically assault me or try and take DD away.

Sadly one of my siblings created a new Facebook account to beg me to take her child as no one else in her family could care for them because SS is heavily involved with all others, im the only one her social worker apparently deemed as anywhere near suitable given that I wasn't involved with the family at all.

Sorry that's been a bit of a tangent, but if moving is possible, do it. It'll change your life vastly just knowing your mother can't turn up at your doorstep.