I can’t get my mind off having a baby

[Elenacrw387]

Hello, I am in a relationship of 5 years although we are not married. I am 26 and my boyfriend is 28. I really want a baby and so does he but he has concerns due to the commitment that comes with having one.

We are both financially stable and have gone and completed university. We have been living together for almost 3 years now and I feel as though I am ready for a baby. I have wanted one for years but have been waiting to be more financially secure and more mature as well as grow mine and my boyfriends relationship.

My boyfriend wants a baby but feel scared and I don’t want to pressure or rush into things, although I cannot get my mind off the thought of having a baby. I think about it all the time and it’s getting really difficult to wait. I also want to have many kids and would love to have one as soon as possible.

Any tips on either making my boyfriend feel more comfortable with the idea of having a baby or getting my mind off the thought of having one so that I can stop obsessing?

I think have a chat with him again about it, it’s really important you are both on board but I think he should know it’s normal to be scared!

It’s a massive life change but if it’s something you both want and are in the right situation I don’t see why not. Maybe talk about how things will work practically, maternity leave, money etc so he will feel like you’ve planned as much as possible?

It took us 8 months to conceive so I think over that time every month we became more and more sure this is what we wanted! We are having the baby number two discussions at the moment.

Well done to you for waiting to be in a good stage of life before seriously considering. Any babies in your family? Ideally he would need to get broody to so that takes over the dear of commitment as this is often always there but thankfully don't stop couples going ahead.

Do you want to get married? I would worry about what he means by worried about the commitment.

Does he mean the amount of time he want to commit or his commitment to you? Do you see yourselves being together long term?

Do you want to add to the family with the man you love? Or do you just want a baby? I'd ask yourself if it's the former...or if you are just broody.

Your partner doesn't want kids right this minute. He is telling you he is not ready.

And it seems you haven't discussed marriage? ...doesnt seem like the right time for a child to be added to the family. Of course kids can before marriage but, I'd at least expect that to be discussed first. I would wonder as to the commitment of a partner if he did suggest having kids with me when he hadn't even proposed. And sure enough, what does he say worries him? Yup, the commitment.

I suggest watching some childbirth videos. That aught to put you off babies for a while. Maybe reevaluate a year down the line (you could even suggest this deadline now) and if he still isnt where you are, you might have to consider that you just dont want the same things. And decide if it's a deal breaker.

Don't have a baby without getting married first, otherwise you'll be unprotected if things don't work out. And if you're not committed enough to get married you definitely shouldn't have a baby.

@HavelockVetinari

Don't have a baby without getting married first, otherwise you'll be unprotected if things don't work out. And if you're not committed enough to get married you definitely shouldn't have a baby.

This with bells on!

Also, sorry to be the voice of gloom but not all babies prove to be bouncing, healthy little bundles of gorgeousness. You also need to seriously think about how solid your relationship would prove if you were unlucky enough to have a dc with disabilities and especially if these proved severe. Not every condition can be detected from a prenatal scan!
My, now adult, dd suffered a totally unexpected life threatening illness at 6 months old and was left with very severe learning difficulties. She is the centre of our universe but to say it has been a hard road would be a massive understatement. I don't know how any of us would have coped without DH and I having a rock solid marriage.

Believe me, this can happen to ANYONE!

Theres no harm in having a discussion and setting a time scale. We got married young but agreed to wait until around 26 to try for a baby.

I definitely don’t think you’d need to be married first, plenty of people do not marry and do better than some married couples.

You do however want to have a solid, trusting relationship where you communicate openly and most importantly are committed to each other. Babies are hard on a relationship, they’re life changing and you need to work together. I think you need to sit down together and talk about what it is you both want and what he means by worried about the commitment. After 5 years he should know whether he is committed to you. Maybe he just doesn’t want a baby or isn’t ready. Only he knows and you need to speak openly about it

What’s he scared of? Marriage is more of a commitment than a baby so see how he feels about that. When you have a baby you’re committing yourself to the baby. When you get married - and I mean married because being engaged means nothing at all - you commit yourself and all your worldly goods to them and agree to support them. Married people can obviously get divorced but married parents are statistically more likely to stay together and as it’s a legal contract it takes some unpicking whereas living together, even when you have a baby, means one of you can just walk out and that’s that.

Unless your willing for there to a chance that you’ll be in this alone, whether he’s there physically or not, I wouldn’t rush parenthood. Sadly, it’s very rare both parties are happy with the amount of sacrifice/energy required to good parenting. So again, it’ll likely be all on you.