my boyfriends and his best friend are driving me crazy

[meadow89]

My message is below. My partner wrote his take on the issue as me ""My partner usually lets me know when he's about to get home so I can heat up dinner. One night his best friend had just moved back to the area after being away for two years, and he didn't let me know when he was coming because he was talking to his best friend in the car, and, in his words, too excited at the prospect of seeing him that evening after around a year. I therefore got really upset and angry at him, and told him he preferred his best friend over me, and that his best friend was more important to him than me. Am I over-reacting?"

My partner talks to his best friend all the time, almost everyday. He used to live in the house next to us, and for two years, the friend would knock on our window at any time of night or day, and i asked my partner many times to please ask him to stop, because no matter what we were doing, my partner would get up and leave to meet his friend for a cigarette when said friend knocked. Unless we had sex, but imagine that, always waiting to hear the knock. Also, many times when I speak to my partner or when we watch something (even though I asked please can we have some phone free time together) he texts said friend, ignoring me or stopping watching the show so then he needs to rewind it etc. It makes me upset a lot and I also been asking him to please not to do this when we are doing something together but alas it happens still.

I suffer from anxiety and I cry very easily. I know it is my big flow, and i understand it is hard on my partner. He however, calls me manipulative and recently started mocking me when I get upset/cry.

I cook almost everyday, so dinner is ready when my partner comes from work. Yesterday he had a big day at work, I asked if he would like to go out and celebrate before driving to see his friend who just moved back to the area (to which I did not want to go and visit at 11pm because I had big day at work the next day and needed to sleep and have my period and felt shitty) and i told him he should perhaps sleep over at his friend's if he wishes so etc. My partner declined my invitation to go and eat out in celebration. I made dinner then. My partner usually texts me when he leaves work, so I can finish dinner, ready to plate out. He did not do so yesterday, and I texted him asking if everything is ok, got no reply. He came home and i was surprised he didn't text, he said he was on the phone to said friend. That upset me more than it should, because I was putting a lot of effort in this dinner, it was getting half cold and it takes 10 second to text, even if you're on the phone. I felt really upset, and started crying, which I tried to stop as I understand it is annoying. My partner followed me around the house, being quite rude, when I just needed a minute alone to calm down. Then i got shouty and swore at him, my anxiety was awful and i cried more. I then told him i feel I am (again) less important than said friend, whose needs were put before mine in the past with the constant knocking etc, and my partner replied that "yes indeed, tonight the friend is more important".

Said friend visited us once, otherwise we went to see him because we have a car but he was in the area very often as his parents live nearby. For the past two years, every time i texted this person, to wish happy bday or ask if he wanted to come down to visit us etc he never once replied he actually read and ignored my every message. When he used to knock, it would be at least 5 - 10 times a day. It is the same with their messages, all day back and forth when both are free. I like to put time aside for my partner and I really hate that this friend is present in every day activities with me, it bothers me a lot. Hence, dinner, no message when i waited, and friend in this mix caused me to get really upset. I have been with my partner for 5 years and I do most of the leaning and cooking, and we both have full time jobs. I feel under-appreciated and I hate the fact his friend is a priority, even when we cuddle in bed, he then turns around to text his friend. We had countless arguments over it and I am feeling drained and like I am getting nowhere. Am I overreacting?

No.
Life’s too short.

He sounds like a massive knob and you deserve better. Life’s too short to spend it with men like this.

hi sorry i forgot to add we were in university accommodation when friend knocked, i lived with my boyfriend in his room, we both did postgraduate course

What’s in it for you ?
Sweet fuck all by the sound of it.

I have been with my partner for 5 years and I do most of the leaning and cooking.

OMG. This relationship sounds like too much hard work. Sorry, but you sound like a doormat. Waiting for him to contact you so you can warm up his dinner, accusing him of liking his friend better than you. Don't get me wrong he sounds like a knob, but your relationship sounds like your both 15 years old.

I don't understand why you are acting like his mother, cleaning, cooking, plating up dinners. Just find an actual adult to have a relationship with.

A relationship shouldn't be this hard or this one sided

You have one life - use it better than on this arsehole

Leave you both sound massively immature. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to settle down and play house with you he wants to be with his mates. You need to find someone who wants what you want. Also him mocking you when you cry is awful.

Sounds like there is a serious issue with the whole relationship dynamic. TBH you both sound set in an unpleasant pattern. Do you make each other happy? Honestly life is too short, you don’t have children, what do you get out of it?

You do all the housework and wait at home for him to get back. He feels nagged and like he has to answer to you. You feel like a martyred housewife—honestly from the description of your relationship, you sound unhappily married 20 years! Can almost imagine you with curlers in and hands on hips, him falling through the door late at night from an evening in the pub, both pissed off at each other, neither truly unreasonable but just not on the same page.

You have both created this dynamic. Harsh, but he undoubtedly finds your martyrdom and nagging deeply unattractive, and it makes him less likely to want to spend romantic time with you. On the other hand, you find his lack of attention to you and inability to have an adult relationship insulting and unfulfilling, and it makes you nag for special time together. You would need a whole relationship reset to both get what you want—the pattern is not working, and drives the other deeper into their bad behaviour towards the other.

It doesn’t sound like you two ever have special “date” time together, focused on your relationship? It sounds like you have different ideas of what a relationship would look like. He’s still in uni days mode by the sound of it, and this is part of he reason you’re in neglected housewife mode. But your position as the person who does the housework, who gets upset and cries and nags, also encourages his behaviour.

This specific argument—I think I would just about think YABU, but I think with the context of the overall relationship YANBU. I don’t think either of you are getting what you need from this. The friend is a red herring—maybe in the future it will be pub with mates from work, or golf—thé problem is your relationship dynamic. Neither of you are acting very becominlgy, but that is due to the dynamic you have created. I have been in this place—it’s not how I like to be in relationships, or how I am when I feel I am getting what I need from the other party. The dynamic is toxic, it is dragging you both down. In a different relationship, he may be attentive and more focused on special time together, and you might be easy going and forgiving.

Seriously consider the basis of this relationship. Life is too short.