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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being a third wheel

20 replies

TequilaSunrise39 · 05/08/2020 12:54

Say if your friend got a new partner and they invited you to meet them both for a coffee or whatever, would you go ? Or would you say no because you don't want to be a 3rd wheel ?
If there were not loads of chances to meet this new boyfriend and it would literally just be spending an hour with them.

OP posts:
ifyoulikepinacolada · 05/08/2020 12:55

Of course I’d go, it’s just a coffee!

Original poster
TequilaSunrise39 · 05/08/2020 12:56

I would too, i've had dinner and stuff as the 3rd wheel, it's no different to just meeting 2 friends. Most people are respectful enough to not sit there making out and ignore you.
A holiday I could understand, but spending an hour together, of course.

OP posts:
Freixene · 05/08/2020 12:58

If it was my friend, and they were excited for me to meet their new partner enough to invite me specifically to meet them then I’d be flattered that they thought of me as an important part of their life that they wanted to share.
Feeling like a third wheel is entirely the other person’s insecurities about not being comfortable on their own (either going out on their own or not in a relationship)

Evennow · 05/08/2020 12:59

Far better to be asked, rather than friend ignoring you because she has found a man.

Original poster
TequilaSunrise39 · 05/08/2020 13:00

Yeah exactly, if it was a new partner i'd be happy to go meet them without question.

This friend is single so it may be her feeling insecure as you said.

OP posts:
Marnie76 · 05/08/2020 13:00

Did you just answer your own OP? 🤨

RaisinGhost · 05/08/2020 13:00

I normally hate this type of thing ("looking forward to our catch up, oh btw Steve is coming too, hope that's ok" err actually it's not OK.

But if you are going there specifically to meet the new bf, it isn't a third wheel situation. If anything you are the guest of honour.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 05/08/2020 13:01

@Marnie76

Did you just answer your own OP? 🤨

No I think OP was asking because she wouldn't mind, but her friend feels like the 3rd wheel

RaisinGhost · 05/08/2020 13:03

Did you just answer your own OP?

Twice?

Original poster
TequilaSunrise39 · 05/08/2020 13:04

Yeah just a shame she couldn't put aside a little bit of awkwardness for an hour or something, it kind of sends the message that she isn't that bothered about meeting him.

OP posts:
RaisinGhost · 05/08/2020 13:04

Oh x post, sorry OP.

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 05/08/2020 13:13

OP I think more information might help. If your friend is being difficult it could be that she's feeling jealous, or it could be that for some reason she doesn't approve of your relationship. Have you had a few partners in recent years, or has she ever warned you against dating this man?

Original poster
TequilaSunrise39 · 05/08/2020 13:18

No they haven't met anyone in years, she may be feeling insecure, as I think she's the only 'single' one of the group now, which doesn't matter at all but yeah, it may be that.

OP posts:
Yellowcakestand · 05/08/2020 13:19

I go out with my friend and her partner. I also go on holiday with them both and my DS. No issues!

HowFastIsTooFast · 05/08/2020 13:21

Of course I'd go! Stuff this '3rd wheel' nonsense.

Circumstances meant that New Years Eve dinner and dancing last year was just me, DP and a close single friend of mine, and we've since spent time together both pre/post lockdown just as a 3. We all get on well and obviously DP and I are not slobbering all over each other in front of her so no big deal! (She got kisses and hugs from each of us at midnight before we kissed each other!).

When I was single I've been to the cinema with a mate and her DH and met them various times over the years for drinks, dinners etc.

Your friend sounds either really insecure and a bit childish, or there's something deeper going on here Hmm

Original poster
TequilaSunrise39 · 05/08/2020 13:21

Yeah if she had met him already or there would be other chances to meet him I would understand, but he lives far and I'm just disappointed. I'll forget it though because it's her issue and no point making a big fuss.

OP posts:
GreatestShowUnicorn · 05/08/2020 13:41

If the friend hasn’t met him before and you want them to meet each other then there’s no issue. I’m always the single one gets a bit irritating when you have a friend you only see with their dp especially when you haven’t know their dp long enough to class them as a friend.

12309845653ghydrvj · 05/08/2020 13:42

I think this depends entirely on context. E.g. if you and your friend made plans to meet up, then you said “oh am bringing the man” then I can see why she would respond that way. OP when was the last time you met up with your friend, just the 2 of you? Or had a decent chat? Because if i were her, and I made plans to catch up with a friend who then decided to bring their new bf along, I would be irritated and feel like a third wheel—like they had planned to hang out anyway and were just saying you could come along too.

If this is a friend you’ve been in good contact with, and you wanting her to meet your bf is not a replacement for you hanging out, but rather a meeting organised for her to meet him, then she is being unreasonable (or at least her feelings are based on her own problems, not your actions). If you haven’t spent time together in ages, I would feel the same as her—like she wants to catch up with you properly. Do you have previous form for being the kind of person who makes these things difficult (PDA, showing off men, cutting out friends etc)—if this is the case, maybe try to invite a few friends at the same time to meet him, so you don’t make the friend feel like a third wheel.
The way you reverse posted makes me wonder if there’s more to this tbh? I think everyone has a friend who acts totally intolerably when they meet a guy, wanting to turn them into a “third wheel” to their PDA and making them uncomfortable.

JuanNil · 05/08/2020 14:45

You don't seem like the most charming friend, tbh. You just keep saying that's she's probably insecure and jealous. She doesn't have to want to meet your boyfriend, and you're not speaking kindly of her at all.

coronafiona · 05/08/2020 15:37

Yes I'd go, I'd be interested to meet them and hope we get on well so future social time can be enjoyableSmile

Actually- that sounds really dodgy- didn't mean it too Grin

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