Yet another GF

[FrustratinglyFrustrated]

Hi all, Don't know if I'm in the right thread, But anyway...
I have been separated from my DS dad for 10 years, We are civil, but I don't like him, he was emotionally abusive, paranoid and controlling, so, believe me I am happy to be away from him. Anyway, Over the last 10 years, there seems to be a pattern of him having a new girlfriend every year or so, He literally jumps from relationship to relationship, within weeks of the previous relationship ending, He married last year after being with the woman for 6 months, this ended about 10 weeks ago, he is now in a new relationship and has been for 8 weeks. DS has already met her and her children. I suppose my AIBU is to ask If IBU to say..FFS! Another GF in DS life? ExP is currently living with his parent, this is his pattern to, splits with current GF, Moves in with parents, then worms his way in to GF house, regardless of where she lives, His last 2 GF have been miles away, 1 70 miles away and the other 85. There is never any consideration for his DS, He never has his own room wherever ExP ends up, He doesn't even have his own room at his grandparents house. The last GF (Wife) DS was sleeping on the sofa when he had over night visits, as she had 2 daughters and they shared a room. I have mentioned in the past to ExP about how I think he shouldn't be introducing GF to DS so soon, and about living arrangements as DS should at least have his own space, but all I get is that I am jealous and bitter and I don't want him to be happy or move on and I need to get over him. ( I have been with my current partner for 6 years) AIBU to be say something or do I just keep quiet?

How old is your ds?

So sorry this is happening, and just to say that I am in a similar boat. My exh moved a new gf in within months of us separating, (he wanted to much sooner). Introduced her to our dc, and she was very kind and loving to them. They separated, and within months he wants to move in with another one, and get married. Told our dc they have 2 new siblings. The dc have never even met her or her dc, but they're being told that they're going to be a blended family now.

I think it's disgusting, and Idc who he sees or what he does, but no need to drag our dc into it until the relationship has been properly established.

I don't know what the answer is. I feel like I'm just wasting my breath saying anything. So long as my dc are happy and safe, that's all that matters.

What an absolute arsehole he is.
How old is DS?

Your DS is getting to an age were he van chose not to have contact. He will also be able to judge his Dad for himself. Without personally attacking your ex, when that happens, validate your Son's feelings and agree that his behaviour is wrong.

All you can hope is that he'll follow your example. Very often teens will take their anger out on the stable parent. It becomes about getting through any rocky patches.

My DS is 12, He enjoys visits with his dad and always looks forward to seeing him. He only see's him one night a fortnight. If or when DS ever says he doesn't want to go, I would put an end to it, however, at the moment, he is more than happy to see him.
I'm hoping soon, because he lives a way away, that DS will want to rather meet up with friends at the weekends and not go to his dads.

Have you discussed this with your son and asked how he feels (without projecting your feelings)? I bet he is smart enough to work it out and see it for himself. I bet your son basically sees his dad as one big eyeroll. One thing I find is that we infantilise our children when we don’t ask questions. We underestimate their emotional intelligence so much! (Obviously the questions have to be well-timed and not manipulative, as kids see straight through that too - be direct, but age-appropriate.) Unfortunately you’re going to have to discuss in depth the emotional immaturity that has lead his father down his particular path, and model ways to connect more deeply with women so that he doesn’t do the same.

He used to have DS very week, however this changed because every other week ( i think it was when GF didn't have her children) ExP would pick DS up and drop him off with the grandparents for the night, then pick him up from them to drop him back home with me, I said that if he won't be having him then not to arrange contact that week ( I think I played into his hands there didn't I?) So it went to fortnightly contact, ExP had to tell DS it was because I said he couldn't have him, making me out to be the bad one again!

@justilou1

Have you discussed this with your son and asked how he feels (without projecting your feelings)? I bet he is smart enough to work it out and see it for himself. I bet your son basically sees his dad as one big eyeroll. One thing I find is that we infantilise our children when we don’t ask questions. We underestimate their emotional intelligence so much! (Obviously the questions have to be well-timed and not manipulative, as kids see straight through that too - be direct, but age-appropriate.) Unfortunately you’re going to have to discuss in depth the emotional immaturity that has lead his father down his particular path, and model ways to connect more deeply with women so that he doesn’t do the same.

My DS worships the ground his dad walks on, he can do know wrong in his eyes. DS will come out with something like, "my dad bought me this fantastic 9ct gold football encrusted with diamonds, Isn't my dad amazing, I cant wait to see him again". All I want to say is..You dad can only afford to get you that because he has absolutely no financial responsibilities,Of course, I don't, I just say..Wow, Isn't that great. Or DS will spend all day on his XBox at his dads, what kid isn't going to want to spend time with their dad when they have no rules, when at mums they get moaned at for not doing their homework or tidying their bedroom, Or taking them along to do a food shop, because, you know, that's what family life really is.

Nothing you say is going to make the blind bit of difference to your ex, he’ll still do what he wants. Don’t waste your breath.

Your son is old enough to know that women go in and out of his dad’s life - so I wouldn’t even be concerned about that particularly, I doubt he forms much attachment with them.

You’re completely in the right... but your son is happy, and you can’t change it. Just make sure that your son knows you’ll always get him if he needs to come home - e.g. if he’s not comfortable with the latest new girlfriend’s children or sleeping arrangement.

I’m sorry, this is exactly what my son’s dad is like. He also wouldn’t tell me that he was taking him to the new girlfriend’s house an hour away to share a bedroom with a child he’d just met that day. Incredibly selfish and doesn’t ever prioritise my son.

In my case, he has now grown up slightly and is living with his latest girlfriend, but it has lasted longer than others (even though they were living together in his mum’s house within two weeks of moving out of another woman’s house)! Unfortunately, it is often the girlfriend who picks up my son and keeps on top of things when he’s there. My son also completely worships his dad. However, he does have moments when he is unhappy with what his dad is doing, usually letting him down at the last minute because he has a better offer and gives a flimsy excuse, and I always make sure to gently point out that I don’t think his behaviour is good enough. I don’t want my son to start thinking it’s normal to be second best with your own parent, or to act grateful for whatever scraps he gives him. It makes my blood boil to see him almost thanking his dad for actually bothering with him. I worry that saying nothing will teach him that this is normal and his dad’s treatment of him is fine. It is a fine line to tread though, because he also feels that I’m slagging off his dad if I say too much or try to discuss it too long or in too much depth. This really upsets him because I think it makes him feel disloyal to his dad and I don’t want him to feel stuck in the middle. I keep it quite short and light and then change the subject, but I know it makes him think.

I definitely wouldn’t try to stop him going. You’ll be the bad guy in his eyes. I can so relate to the gift giving and your son thinking he’s amazing. I get exactly the same. In fact, he’s already told him the value of the things he’ll buy him for Christmas, as he does every year, to prove how great he is. In reality, I spend far more on him at Christmas as well as providing him with his daily life, but I’d never tell him the value of his presents to try to win him over. It’s really infuriating. His dad only started paying maintenance 3 years ago and has had action taken against him for unpaid maintenance. The next step was bailiffs and my son would be so upset so I had to leave it. He does things like tell my son that he will buy him an expensive item, then ask his mum whether she could go halves with him and go and pick it up, then tell her he’ll pay her back later, present the gift as totally from him and never give her his half. So my son’s nan has really paid for it. And now that item is revered in our home and he is close to tears if it ever has a scratch or could be broken in some way because his dad bought it for him, so it’s extra special. His dad has managed to manipulate my son into thinking he is a victim all the time. He once told him that he quit a job because the nasty people wouldn’t let him see him anymore. He claimed that was the reason he hadn’t been turning up. It was a pub job and he told them he was unable to work any evenings or weekends as those are the times he sees his son. Guess what.... he didn’t turn up for the next four weeks after quitting that job.

Just wanted to say you are not alone in this situation and it is shit and I’m never sure how to navigate it. There don’t seem to be any easy rules for dealing with it, it’s ever changing and I’m always doubting whether I’m doing the right thing. My son is also the age as yours. I think they are growing up now and really starting to understand things more. Their friends say things and they see family relationships on TV, or at friend’s houses. So they will be forming their own opinions. I heard my son giving some advice to his friend about his parents who were divorcing and his dad’s behaviour. His advice was spot on so I feel that his judgement is good, he just doesn’t apply it to his dad in the same way, but I think he’ll see through things a bit more eventually.

It is hard because we are the bad guys. He’s even now started to phone his dad to complain about me when I tell him off, which his dad absolutely revels in. My son exaggerates as he would when blowing off steam complaining about his parents to friends, and I end up having to explain myself to him. It is absolutely galling.

Me ex is like this, his kids are now no contact through their own choice, as they have quickly realised that they are not his number one priority and never will be.

Ask your son his thoughts and support whatever he decided.

@Puddingpi

I’m sorry, this is exactly what my son’s dad is like. He also wouldn’t tell me that he was taking him to the new girlfriend’s house an hour away to share a bedroom with a child he’d just met that day. Incredibly selfish and doesn’t ever prioritise my son.

In my case, he has now grown up slightly and is living with his latest girlfriend, but it has lasted longer than others (even though they were living together in his mum’s house within two weeks of moving out of another woman’s house)! Unfortunately, it is often the girlfriend who picks up my son and keeps on top of things when he’s there. My son also completely worships his dad. However, he does have moments when he is unhappy with what his dad is doing, usually letting him down at the last minute because he has a better offer and gives a flimsy excuse, and I always make sure to gently point out that I don’t think his behaviour is good enough. I don’t want my son to start thinking it’s normal to be second best with your own parent, or to act grateful for whatever scraps he gives him. It makes my blood boil to see him almost thanking his dad for actually bothering with him. I worry that saying nothing will teach him that this is normal and his dad’s treatment of him is fine. It is a fine line to tread though, because he also feels that I’m slagging off his dad if I say too much or try to discuss it too long or in too much depth. This really upsets him because I think it makes him feel disloyal to his dad and I don’t want him to feel stuck in the middle. I keep it quite short and light and then change the subject, but I know it makes him think.

I definitely wouldn’t try to stop him going. You’ll be the bad guy in his eyes. I can so relate to the gift giving and your son thinking he’s amazing. I get exactly the same. In fact, he’s already told him the value of the things he’ll buy him for Christmas, as he does every year, to prove how great he is. In reality, I spend far more on him at Christmas as well as providing him with his daily life, but I’d never tell him the value of his presents to try to win him over. It’s really infuriating. His dad only started paying maintenance 3 years ago and has had action taken against him for unpaid maintenance. The next step was bailiffs and my son would be so upset so I had to leave it. He does things like tell my son that he will buy him an expensive item, then ask his mum whether she could go halves with him and go and pick it up, then tell her he’ll pay her back later, present the gift as totally from him and never give her his half. So my son’s nan has really paid for it. And now that item is revered in our home and he is close to tears if it ever has a scratch or could be broken in some way because his dad bought it for him, so it’s extra special. His dad has managed to manipulate my son into thinking he is a victim all the time. He once told him that he quit a job because the nasty people wouldn’t let him see him anymore. He claimed that was the reason he hadn’t been turning up. It was a pub job and he told them he was unable to work any evenings or weekends as those are the times he sees his son. Guess what.... he didn’t turn up for the next four weeks after quitting that job.

Just wanted to say you are not alone in this situation and it is shit and I’m never sure how to navigate it. There don’t seem to be any easy rules for dealing with it, it’s ever changing and I’m always doubting whether I’m doing the right thing. My son is also the age as yours. I think they are growing up now and really starting to understand things more. Their friends say things and they see family relationships on TV, or at friend’s houses. So they will be forming their own opinions. I heard my son giving some advice to his friend about his parents who were divorcing and his dad’s behaviour. His advice was spot on so I feel that his judgement is good, he just doesn’t apply it to his dad in the same way, but I think he’ll see through things a bit more eventually.

It is hard because we are the bad guys. He’s even now started to phone his dad to complain about me when I tell him off, which his dad absolutely revels in. My son exaggerates as he would when blowing off steam complaining about his parents to friends, and I end up having to explain myself to him. It is absolutely galling.

Everything you said is exactly the same as me/my DS. It is so infuriating isn't it. My Exp uses work as an excuse to not seeing him, saying that work won't allow him to have the time off, he works for a company that doesn't even open on weekends or on bank holidays, I have pointed this out to the ex in the past and he states that the company needs him to go in as extra as he is the only one who can carry out the task while the office isn't open, I think it annoys me more that he thinks I'm that stupid to believe him. I have ran out of words now. I've cried out of frustration over it before, no one else says anything to him, not even his parents so of course he is going to think he's right all the time ggrrrr!!!

Also, the worse thing is he took me through the courts to get a "reasonable contact arrangement" in place, I told the courts he only bothered when it suits and I've never said no, unless we have made plans, the courts went in ex's way and gave him what he wanted, every other weekend, Friday to Sunday, and alternative Wednesdays after school/or all day in school holidays and at least half of the school holidays. It went back and forward through solicitors and a court hearing, it took 18 months and cost thousands. I swear to whatever god you believe in....it never happened once! I agreed to whatever he wanted through solicitors because I knew it wouldn't happen, but, nope, he wanted an actual official court order. I believe his gf at the time made him do it, and he used it to reduce maintenance payments.I remember one weekend when he had ds with a previous gf, they were both working so ex left ds with gf's ex husband!!! it was ok though because her kids were with him! And I'm the one in the wrong for complaining about it

This all sounds so familiar. Makes me sick when there are wonderful dads out there, fighting all the way to see their kids.

My exh would pick and choose if he fancied having them on his weekend or not. He doesn't have anything to do with school admin, or hospital appointments, and doesn't pay maintenance