To have another baby?

[Ibelieveinathingcalledcovid]

Name changed for this as outing

I was really unwell with DD, so unwell I was signed off work for the entire pregnancy and induced at 37 weeks. I hated it and swore I’d never do it again but DD is here happy and healthy and DH and I just don’t feel like we are complete.

The issue is, I’d rather get another pregnancy out of the way. The complications I had are likely to happen again (not certain but likely) and won’t be helped by my being older. I’m also pressing pause on my career and moving to PT until they’re at school (a well discussed plan that I am happy with). Because of this (and a couple other factors) the best timed to get pregnant is right around me going back to work.

Logically this makes sense, it’s the time window I would receive the most support from everyone. But I just can’t shake the feeling that everyone at work will think I’m MASSIVELY taking the p* and my reputation will never recover.

I work in a small team for a multi nat, we are close and my extended period of leave didn’t go down well the first time (although they were understanding because I couldn’t have known how unwell I would be). This time I do know, but at the same time I like my job and I don’t want to lose it in the current climate as it’s actually pretty secure! (Id worked there for 2.5 years before becoming pregnant and had a fantastic reputation- was told this)

AIBU to have another?

Go for it OP. The purpose of your life is not to serve the corporation you work for. You can’t rearrange your life or make such an important decision on the basis of what is convenient for your employer. You have every right to make the decision that is right for you and your family, regardless of whether or not it is convenient to your employer.

You are also a valuable member of their team, hired because you are right for the job. That doesn’t change because you take maternity leave. Any reputable employer takes into consideration the possibility of parental leave when they hire anybody. You aren’t a less valuable employee because you have children.

I wouldn’t personally. You’d end up damaging your career unfortunately and you’d get mentally written off by your employers. Also I’d be reluctant to bring a new baby in to this Covid shit storm right now.

I would go for it; i was in a similar position after my first pregnancy and I wondered what my work would think but if anyone thought anything negative they didn’t say and I couldn’t plan my life and future around a job. I knew I’d massively regret not having another child.

I have put my career on hold for my kids. Dont regret a thing. A job isnt going to be loyal to you or make you happy in 30 years. It's not worth basing your life decisions on a job. Also, you probably have another 30 years of working ahead of you, so lots of time after baby is in school to progress.

I say go for it. It will be tough, but it will be temporary compared to the love for a child.

Also I only think you damage your career in the eyes of people who don’t want children or havent had them yet as people with children would on the whole understand (that’s my opinion anyway)

I say go for it! I had DD then got pregnant again when she was 5 months and I was still on maternity leave. We wanted to try again as soon as due to age and wanting our babies to be close in age.
Everyone at work was happy for me and said I'd done the right thing. No one was negative about it at all, we all laughed and joked about it.
You have to think about yourself and what you want not what a job wants!

I would have a second child. If it was the illness that was the sole reason I would say maybe not, but if work is the main reason then you may regret it if you don't. I too was signed off but managed to get into work for the second half of my pregnancy. I was more prepared the second time. If it's hyperemesis, go to your GP just before and ask them to prescribe something and start it as soon as you're pregnant. On the hyperemesis boards others have said starting this as early as possible may make it slightly better

If you really want a second child, it would be better to have the child sooner rather than later, especially as pregnancy problems do tend to be worse as you get older. I get your concern about your career; it depends what is more important to you ultimately.

I was very concerned when my DSis had a second pregnancy after being very seriously ill with her first pregnancy. She had gestational diabetes, a lack of amniotic fluid and then nearly died of pre-Enclampsia, and had an emergency C section at 32 weeks, so very risky. But the second pregnancy was better, although she still had the gestational diabetes. So it won't necessarily be as bad second time around.

She then wanted a third child, but this time they adopted.

@Boogiewoogiebugleboy

I wouldn’t personally. You’d end up damaging your career unfortunately and you’d get mentally written off by your employers. Also I’d be reluctant to bring a new baby in to this Covid shit storm right now.

This ^

You’ll have been off longer than you’ve worked there, that could very easily wipe any reputation you had gained.

What happens if you “don’t feel complete” after this one?

Thanks everyone.
I should probably just go for it! I totally get the whole ‘in 30 years you won’t regret jobs like you will missing children from your life’ but I hate being thought badly of when I worked so hard for a good reputation.

I considered not going back so I could have more babies as I please but the idea of having to leave work to have babies feels archaic!

@Mittens030869 oh gosh, I wasn’t quite that bad but enough to put me off ever doing it again.
Whilst I was pregnant I swore I’d rather have both my legs broken than be pregnant again (we talked about adoption quite seriously) but now I can’t explain it, I suppose I love DD so much that I’m willing to do it again for another!

@FlowersAreBeautiful
Yes HG was one of the things I had (not the only thing though) I went through several meds but non worked. It was miserable and grim, I am familiar with the HG support groups on here This is why I’m conscious of being pregnant again at a time DH and family can be around to support me as I know I will struggle to care for DD if I’m like that again!

@user1493413286
Yes! I had already thought this, luckily for me my senior manager went through IVF and some complications so understands pregnancy isn’t always straight forward so there’s non of the ‘you’re pregnant not poorly’ attitude.

However, my direct manager is an older childless woman who ‘doesn’t get the fuss about babies’ so bit of two extremes really. They hired a young lad for my mat cover and I think will keep him on too, slightly worried I may get pushed out!

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
@Boogiewoogiebugleboy

I just don’t know what the better alternative would be. Not to have more or to leave me job and have as many as I want. It sucks.

I know there’s truth in what you’re saying. I will be written off. I think if I ‘didn’t feel complete’ after another I would probably stop anyway and prioritise my career but then again I’ve never wanted an only child whereas I like the idea of 2. I think I could forgo a third and not feel incomplete.

You may damage your career, although you shouldn’t. But to be honest, I think a lot of people see you as a ticking baby bomb once you return from having your first anyway, so I think there’s an argument to be made from a career point of view for getting it all out of the way quite quickly (as well as an argument from a career POV). And you’ve ‘pressed pause’ on your career anyway.

And besides, what is an appropriate amount of time to leave between pregnancies so that people won’t ‘write you off’?

The Covid thing is obviously a concern - my DH and I are postponing TTC for a number of reasons but one of them is, totally selfishly, that I don’t want to risk another period of mat leave in lockdown, cos it was flipping miserable. But that’s a very personal risk assessment that has a lot to do with your health concerns.

Sorry the bit in brackets was meant to read ‘as well as an argument from a health POV’

I’d go for it, you don’t live to work you work to live. So what if they judge, that says more about them and it’s unprofessional and discriminatory to treat you different for it. You’re entitled to the leave if unwell the same as a colleague would be if they became unwell. Good luck

I’d do it. Because even though I love my job, and it’s very important to me, my family is everything

Career wise it wouldn't bother me but if you were so ill during your pregnancy you were signed off work the whole time will you be able to look after your DD? And it's not just basic looking after like you could struggle through a week or 2 if you had flu or something, the whole of your pregnancy she will need you to be able to function. That would be my only worry.

For me, it wouldn't be the work thing that would sway it. It would be the effect on dc1. Being so debilitatingly ill during your second pregnancy could be made even harder by not being able to do as much for dc1.

The guilt I felt for dc1 during the morning sickness months (when I was so so incredibly ill) caught me by surprise and I considered ending the pregnancy. I was ok through the 2nd trimester which helped, then Tri3 I was hit badly with spd and a few periods of hospital stays.

I felt horrendously guilty at being so incapacitated during the pregnancy for her.

Yes, agree with the above and it would burn bridges with me (and I have DC and a career and work in a flexible multi nat).

@RunningAwaywiththeCircus

Just checking - you’re saying that if a woman in your organisation had two babies in quick succession, it would ‘burn bridges’ with you? I.e. you would permanently destroy your professional relationship with her as a result?

Because that’s illegal, and you’re exposing your employer to claims (which could definitely burn bridges!) so you might want to discuss that with HR and have a little read of the Equality Act.

And just FYI, there are a number of reasons a woman might have two babies in quick succession. It might be because she wants to (which is fine) but it might also be related to age, health and/or fertility. Just for example it might have taken her years to conceive the first time but then happened very quickly the second. Not that it should matter. But it’s worth bearing in mind.

@brastrapbroken
@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I am worried about DD and being able to look after her but then I hear so many stories of people who were very unwell going on to have further children so they must manage somehow!

Because of logistics if I do get pregnant shortly after returning to work I will have more people around to help, family and DH plus DD will be 18-19 months when the next is born so hopefully won’t remember too much of me being really unwell!

If everything else is right then yes, I'd go for it now.

But I'd skip the early induction and got for a c section if it were me 🙈

But you could also wait 6 months which isn't really that long and the age gap might be easier

@Monkeynuts18

I know I have every legal Right to do it and thank you for your input you’re totally right that there are lots of reasons a women may have two in close succession. I think @RunningAwaywiththeCircus is probably voicing the opinion a lot of people would have though and I did ask for that so am still grateful!

It’s very much a PC vs What people actually think, yes I should be able to have as many babies as I like but no I can’t ignore that it leaves work in the shit and may burn bridges!

@RunningAwaywiththeCircus

I didn’t put a spin on it. That’s exactly what the phrase ‘burn bridges’ means - destroying a relationship or connection permanently. If you’re saying you simply chose the wrong phrase while typing quickly and didn’t think about what it really means, then fine. But I suspect you meant exactly what you wrote.

And yes, the OP asked for opinions. But the point is that your opinion (as you originally phrased it) is illegal. Yes, a lot of people hold it. Yes, it’s a reality. But it’s an illegal reality and just isn’t acceptable.