to not want this person in my life?

[cherrybalms]

name changed for this as potentially outing.

so, 4 years ago my ex boyfriend seriously sexually assaulted me. back ground story:

the relationship wasnt great, he was controlling and arrogant, it lasted about a year and a half. we were work mates previously so had mutual friends. one night, around a year after we had broken up we were both out for a mutual friends birthday. I wont go into too much detail but the assault happened that night. I was talked out of going to the police by a few friends (one who had been to court with a rape case that got dropped due to lack of evidence and didnt want me going through it and the other who had their own form of revenge in mind). I had messages from ex admitting it and various other things but was told these didnt count as evidence as anyone could of sent them (by rape case friend) so I accept I may be a little sensitive because he never got any retribution for what he did to me.

anyone, fast forward to now, me and my partner have been together just over 3 years. he has a friend who he is very close to and has been mates with since primary school. I have also become close to this friend over the course of our relationship. I noticed a few weeks ago that he was liking and commenting on my exs social media posts - videos of him, pictures etc. telling him he was going to do well in life, that he was a "fittie" (in a jokey way, he straight) nd things like this. I found this quite upsetting as he knew something had happened there between my ex and me. my partner called him out on it and he said he didnt know the full extent of what happened just that I had accused him of something and didnt know what to believe. my partner, with my blessing, told him the full story and showed him the messages from my ex. the friend said he would apologise next time he saw me and that he hadnt realised it was so serious.

I've noticed this morning him commenting on my exs recent posts of him abroad, wishing him a "great time" and liking all his pictures. I feel really hurt by this even more so now because he knows everything. it might seem petty to some because its online but this to me is a still him communicating with him and boosting his ego by giving his posts attention. my partner doesnt think he means any harm by it but I feel like he doesnt believe me or doesnt think it's that bad. I've blocked all of my exs social media accounts now so I can't see stuff like this going forward (wasnt friends with my ex but it still came up if any of my friends commented etc.). I subsequently dont want this friend in my life anymore - AIBU?

that was much longer than I intended it to be sorry - didn't want to drip feed!

YANBU and I wouldn’t want him in my life either. He is basically either saying he doesn’t believe you, or happy to be friends with a rapist. Either way he isn’t the type of person I would want in my life and I would want my boyfriend to distance himself too. It’s very hurtful otherwise.

I’m very sorry that was done to you. And your friend has really let you down. Not unreasonable at all to not want a relationship with him anymore. How will you manage your feelings about your partner maintaining a friendship with him though?

I think I'm going to just have to distance myself and if my partner wants to continue his friendship with him to leave them to it. I will be honest if this "friend" asks though and wants to know why I'm no longer involved. although, I do kind of feel like my boyfriend should see it from my point of view and shouldnt dim it down. like I said, i think because its online he thinks his friend isnt thinking about it and is mindless liking/commenting stuff but i can't see how that is the case when he called him out on it very recently :/

No, neither can I. But then why care why he does it? There’s not one reason that’s acceptable, knowing that he knows.
Your partner sounds like he’s been great. But I don’t think you can direct or manage his reaction to the friend. I hope at the very least this has made him have a long hard look at the guy.

exactly, not sure if my partner is worried about loosing a friend hes known for a while but to me that doesnt come close to what I went through with my ex.

WTAF! If this friend has recently been called out on this behaviour then either he’s really stupid or it’s deliberate, either way, he should be an ex friend. As for your bf, he is entitled to maintain the friendship but I would totally judge him on the company he keeps.

This is an example of the creepy apologist way that some men behave. I personally wouldn’t quietly distance myself, I would distance myself noisily, letting your bf and his scummy friend exactly know what you think about both of them.

thank you for putting it like that - I had somehow started to talk myself down in that it wasnt a massive deal and that I should just leave it but I feel quite angry and let down that this conversation happened only a week ago and yet nothing has changed. I do judge my boyfriend too I've realised although I've tried not to. if someone had hurt him in such serious way and a close friend of ours was still giving that person the time of day I would be questioning that friend and reassessing the friendship big time.