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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to want mil to buy ds a present when it is dd birthday

56 replies

Sunshine78 · 02/10/2007 08:22

It is my dd 1st birthday at the weekend and I've gone through 2 hour tantrums when I took my ds (3) to buy his sister a present and he didn't get one. I've had to keep telling him all week he can't unwrap her presents and play with them. I want him to learn its not all aboout receiving and sometimes you have to give. Then last nigh MIL calls to say shes got him a present so he doesn't feel left out . If I dont allow her to give it to him she will be in a mood the whole party and ruin that.

OP posts:

SueBarooeeooeeooooo · 02/10/2007 10:19

YANBU.

But it's quite the done thing to give presents to all and sundry now to make sure no-one feels left out. How these children cope when real life bites them in the bum, I don't know.

thelittleElf · 02/10/2007 10:19

here here lorayn! IMO it shouldn't even be an issue...it's not his birthday. When my charges kisck off because one of the others have got something or are doing something which doesn't involve them, i look them square in the eyes and just say "this is NOT about you"......they understand that then! Appreciate you can't really do this with a 3 yr old....but the learning curve has to start somewhere!

GreebosWhiskers · 02/10/2007 10:30

Definitely YANBU.

My mum still gives dd1 & dd2 money/a present on each others birthdays & it drives me nuts - always has done. They now expect it (they're 13 & 14 btw) & for years they appreciated nothing & by February they'd broken most of the stuff they'd got at xmas because they knew that a) someone (not me) would replace or b) they also had a roomful of stuff at their dad's. It was heartbraeking having to go & throw out all that stuff that our family had bought for them.

ds will be 1 next month & I'll be making sure that 2.7yo dd3 will not be getting unbirthday pressies. I will however let her help her brother open his.

Nip it in the bud now.

serenity · 02/10/2007 10:39

MIL does this too. TBH at the beginning it did annoy me, but now I just let it go. The DCs know it's just something that happens there, and don't expect it from anyone else. I can understand your dilemma though if you've been dealing with tantrums etc, it might feel like you're 'giving in'. However unless you've been talking to your MIL about it, she's not going to know that you've been having these problems, and she's just trying to be nice - not trying to undermine you.

Original poster

Sunshine78 · 02/10/2007 10:40

I know ds will help unwrap the presents as a 1 year old does not know what to do but I want him to know they are hers and to "ask" if he wants to play with them as he gets really possesive if his sister plays with one of his toys. I want them to share but he will have his special day and I just want dd to have hers (obviously with ds involved just not with him gaining in the present stakes)

OP posts:

portonovo · 02/10/2007 10:43

I really really hate this and I would put my foot down immediately. I would tell her before she comes not to bring the present. It'll keep until Christmas.

I feel so strongly about this. For most people, a birthday is the one day of the year that is 'ours'. Other days are family days, religious days or community days. A birthday is about making that person feel special and doing something for them.

Even very young children can understand that concept, and in fact I've always found that involving siblings in the whole birthday experience works really well. Mine have always loved choosing/wrapping a present for the birthday person, making a card, helping with party preparations, making cakes etc. It makes them feel just as special. Even now (aged 14, 12 and 10), they love that side of things and spend ages making cards and planning little surprises for friends and relatives, I'm really proud of them for that. And they get so excited watching someone open their presents, it's a real family ritual and they are genuinely delighted to see the birthday person get something they want.

The only tiny wobble we ever had was when our youngest was 2. He had just had Christmas and was aware of what presents were! A few weeks later it was his brother's birthday and on the big day we were having breakfast and his brother asked he could open his presents soon. Youngest then asked if he could open HIS presents. We gently explained it was his brother's birthday and the rest of us didn't have presents. His lip trembled a bit but the disappointment was over in seconds. And in fact he had a whale of a time watching his brother open his presents and playing with the paper!

I know families who are still buying presents for siblings when they are quite old. Two sisters who live by me get a 'love gift' on the other's birthday. It started when they were toddlers so they didn't feel left out, but they are now 13 and 11 and it's still the same.

Children of 3 or even younger can start to think about other people's feelings and that it is someone else's special day. Yes, there might be a bit of disappointment but by involving them in other aspects of the birthday they can get over the disappointment and enjoy the whole day.

lilolilmanchester · 02/10/2007 10:44

I wholeheartedly support everything you've said Sunshine and because you are so motivated to ensure he grows up with a healthy attitude to receiving, it is very unlikely he will grow up expecting stuff all the time. I'm just not sure that one little present from his granny will undo all your good work.

Original poster

Sunshine78 · 02/10/2007 11:03

Thanks portonov and lilolilmanchester glad some appreciate what I'm trying to do.

OP posts:

Lorayn · 02/10/2007 11:06

Sunshine, I think you know exactly what you should do and I think you should stick to it, your son will not be harmed by not getting a present!!
Maybe you could use on of the other suggestions, turning it into a reward or something, BUT I really don't think he should be given a present just because it is his sisters birthday.

Baffy · 02/10/2007 11:12

Agree with you sunshine

Could you perhaps get him involved in helping with the party, looking after his little sister, helping her open her presents etc - all along with the focus being that it is her birthday and he's the big brother helping. He must ask to play with her things etc etc.

Then as a reward for his good behaviour, at the end of the day, give him the gift from MIL. He'll then associate the gift with him being a good boy and he won't be getting it 'just because' it's his sisters birthday.

I do think you're right on this though.

HonoriaGlossop · 02/10/2007 12:08

I agree with getting him involved with the party preparations.

I think though you are REALLY creating a battle you don't need to fight by telling him 'all week' that he can't unwrap her presents and play with them.

I think you need to present it more positively to him; he will be 'in charge' of passing presents to her, he will be her helper to open them as she's too little, he can be your kitchen helper; and remind him he will be getting lovely party food and cake.

I wouldn't agree with the non-birthday child getting a present, so I do think you're right, but I think you might be presenting it to him slightly negatively.

ChantillyLace · 03/10/2007 12:10

I see no problem with this at all! What's wrong with unbirthday presents? We've always done it in our family since Winnie the Pooh started it!!! And we've never had problems with it.

If he's old enough to understand about the concept of birthdays then he's old enough to understand that his present is a special gift from Grandma while little sis gets lots more!

You are being a tad oversensitive about this IMO

alittleone2 · 03/10/2007 13:07

Message withdrawn

nzshar · 03/10/2007 14:03

I also think that YANBU. I come from a family of 8 children and we all knew that our birthday was our day, not to mention the expense it would have been to do unbirthday presents for all as well. I have never brought for ds(3) when its been his brothers,,fathers,mine or friends birthday. I have explained to him that it is their birthday and that he will have his turn when it is his. Christmas was/is that day day for all but birthdays remain individual and special.

flamingtoaster · 03/10/2007 14:08

We always gave our dcs one unbirthday present on the other's birthday. They just got our present - nothing from anyone else.

Amethyst8 · 03/10/2007 14:31

Everyone brought our DS a present on DD's first birthday. Can t see the harm in it myself. Why not two special days for them instead of one?

Only thing that does irritate me is when family bring Christmas presents and want DC to open them when they get them even if two weeks before Christmas so they "see their faces". It is not Christmas yet and there is no way in the world that my parents or in laws would have allowed their kids to open presents before Christmas Day.

nzshar · 03/10/2007 14:35

you ask why not 2 special days? To me it then is not about the person whose birthday it actually is and becomes a family day. Which in itself is lovely but it was/is the one day of the year that the birthday person gets all the attention and it is about them and not siblings etc. Just the way different families do different things i guess

BellaeCandelae · 03/10/2007 14:48

YABU. He's far too young to understand. And your dd is far too young to care!. Our older two get a small present on each other's birthdys until age 5 or 6. I also do not expct them to give eah other a present until at least that age.

My parents and ILs also always send a small present for the other child.

Presents do not have to be exclusively for birthdays and Xmas!

mimi03 · 03/10/2007 14:55

you already said no, and your mil is undermining you. kids know right from wrong at a very young ages and your ds is pushing the boundries to see if he can get his own way, stick to your guns.

80sMum · 03/10/2007 14:57

Definitely absolutely NOT being unreasonable. I can't understand why some people do this to children; it's such a bad idea.

ChantillyLace · 03/10/2007 15:22

Think this is having far too much importance put on it!! What possible harm could one very small (in our case anyway) present from Grandma on a sibling's birthday do???! We don't do it on anyone else's birthday and noone but Grandma gives the 'extra' present. My kids never suffered from jealousy, always shared and always understood that the present was 'a little treat' so they didn't feel left out.

"It's such a bad idea" what a dreadful mum I must be!!

robin3 · 03/10/2007 15:30

My DS1 opened all of DS2's presents for him on his first Birthday and then thoroughly enjoyed his party, and his cake, and playing with his new toys whilst DS2 happily sat in a big cardboard box and was completely bemused about what was going on. So don't think your eldest will be jealous on the day anyway.

It's a dangerous habit to form IMO but believe me I know how difficult Grandparents can be and I doubt you'll change her mind.

morethanmum · 04/10/2007 08:10

Loving it being a dangerous habit - not quite in the sme league as MIL sneaking him fags or topping up his sherry at the party Hope mine don't get corrupted by their small presents...when it's not their bithdays.

HolidaysQueen · 04/10/2007 09:50

This brought back some memories for me...

I'm 3 years older than my brother and I distinctly remember him receiving a present on my birthday but me never receiving a present from the same people on his birthday. It was never family actually (my nana always used to have a bag of Woolies finest pick n mix for us, but wasn't really one for presents other than birthdays and Christmas) but close friends of the family who also had kids the same age as us (so were always at both our parties etc.) I remember this from the age of about 5-7 and the unfairness of it has really stuck - it seemed to me that it was yet another disadvantage to being the older one and that somehow the younger one was the golden child...

As nzshar says, a birthday is about the person whose birthday it is, not just a general family occasion. I distinctly remember feeling that I was less the centre of attention cos my brother also got something to unwrap that people cooed over and I felt sad about that.

So I'd say YANBU - your DD won't notice this time but it's setting a precedent for the future and they'll end up with this being one more reason to hate each other and fight when they're 6 and 8

seeker · 04/10/2007 09:56

We always give one unwrapped VERY small unbirthday present to the non birthday child. Only a tiny thing - a hotwheels car, for example or some glitter pens. We've always done it - but noone else gives the non birthday person anything.

But I do think that grandmas ought to have some latitude and be allowed to spoil their gcs. I wouldn't have a battle about it!

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