Tell me not to go back

[Notsureanymore82]

NC obviously. My rent has gone up and although I can manage it it opened up a discussion between my DM and me about whether it was "worth it". I pay a lot of rent for very little, but in a nice area.

Anyway the plan was, rather than faff about moving to cheap areas, or better areas, just stay here and save all I could until I can get a mortgage (single, self employed).

This will take another year of accounts, and whilst I think it's dickish of the LL to put the rent up in these times when I'm up to date (no covid holiday), it's part of renting. I actually save a lot from my wage anyway.

My DM tentatively invited me to move back in, in that she threw the idea around. Sounds generous, but she's the one who kicked me out on the street in the first place. I literally turned up and the keys were in the other side so mine didn't work. She left me with the clothes on my back and nothing else.

The details don't matter, just the point that I need some kind of reassurance that if I moved in, adequate notice would be given if she wasn't happy. As a lodger I have none, no matter how much rent I paid her. I mentioned a contract and "token" amount as she was going on about refusing rent and me saving money (which actually I don't agree with), and she backtracked and got vague. Some kind of rolling 30 day that keeps everyone happy. I just hate the power she would have that if I leave the house and she's in a mood, when I come back I might not be let in

Plus it's hard living with people. Other people are annoying but I will save so much if I did live with her, but lose so much if I lose this independence.

She does read this board, so I'm hoping posting at a quiet time will give me some clarity and she won't see it

Please help!

I'm a little bit worried that this isn't a very obvious no for you.

As mentioned, if someone shows you who they are, believe them.

As you pointed out yourself, moving back would mean you giving control of some aspects of your life to her and put you at risk of her using that against you (again).

I'm so pleased you are sanity checking if this is a good idea. It's not.

But please, and I know this will sound melodramatic, do really work on yourself to see why you would even consider this. Why this is even a question worth contemplating?

The reason I say this is because sadly you will meet more people along the way who will be bad news. But who might try and hide that by pretending to do you a favour, like the 'being able to save more for a flat' your mom is using. Unless you work on yourself you will be at risk of getting stuck in abusive relationships, which can come in the form of friends, family, partners. Trust your gut instinct, you are 100% right to think this is a bad idea.

Why are you even telling her details of your rent going up etc?

She made you homeless. I'm surprised you are even in contact with her.

Jeepers why would you ever voluntarily get back into that situation!

You said the details don't matter, but you didn't say anything about why you got chucked out (her version or yours). Pretty much everyone replying so far is assuming she couldn't have had good reason to make you homeless, and I'm not assuming that she did but it happens in families sometimes and you haven't explained what might've led to her decision. (And again, speaking as someone with experience of a narcissistic mother, I'm aware how cold and unreasonable some mothers can be!)

You tell your mum things and she gives you a solution that means she will have control over you. If you live with her you will be on tender hooks that once mistake and you will be homeless again.

Don't tell her everything. Why would you to a woman who has treated you in this way? Don't tell her your rent details at all.

Either continue where you live (you say you can pay it) or rent a room with someone completely different.

You don't say your age but you sound very young. Cut the aprons strings to a woman that sounds controlling. You can have a better relationship with distance living apart.

To be fair it would be interesting to hear her side of the story and some more background. There are numerous threads on here about adult children behaving badly in their parents’ home and they get a resounding chorus of telling the OP to kick them out and make them stand on their own two feet.

Throwing you out without your belongings is very extreme however.

So on the face of it it would be madness to place yourself in such a vulnerable situation. But there’s a chance she was quite reasonable in her actions (if she’s on this board she might well have been acting on the advice of Mumsnet!)

So we probably need more information.

I wouldn't, not given what she did.
You'd be making yourself very vulnerable.