Making enemies of 12 year olds

[3ormorecharacters]

A few weeks ago I was walking by a canal near my house. A group of four boys aged about 12-13 passed me on bikes. I didn't hear them coming, and as they passed one of them shouted 'BOO' at me to make me jump. As they cycled on, they were laughing about how I 'nearly fell in'.

Obviously this was slightly embarrassing for me but no big deal. Then I got to thinking about it. I've had similar incidents in the past with boys that age, usually on bikes - e.g. riding really fast at me and then swerving. It's always when I'm on my own. Would they do it if I was a man, or with a man? Why do they try to intimidate women to impress their mates at such a young age? I was getting angry about it and wishing I'd said something at the time, then as if by magic the perfect opportunity presented itself.

I got to the road and the boys had stopped, and were standing in a group. They didn't see me. I walked behind the boy who'd said 'boo' to me, and went 'BOO'. He jumped, I laughed and carried on walking.

The boys then started to follow me on their bikes, shouting at me. I could have taken a diversion into the woods but figured a) if they follow me into the woods I'm more vulnerable and b) I don't want them to think they're scaring me. They cycled ahead of me to a stretch of pavement which is screened from the road by trees and stood by their bikes blocking the pavement and trying to look threatening. I just walked straight past them, figuring they were unlikely to actually try anything on. I took the opportunity to tell them that people don't like being snuck up on, especially women on their own, and it doesn't make them big boys.

As I walked on they started shouting some pretty vile stuff at me - suck my dick, do you have a dick, paedo etc. I figured they were covering their embarrassment at not being able to intimidate me and ignored them.

I've since seen them out and about on their bikes again. They started shouting at me and cycling towards me. I engaged in conversation with them, again not wanting to seem intimidated. Again called me a paedo and alleged that I'd touched the boy when I said Boo to him, which I absolutely did not. They said they'd "told their mums about me" and their mums will "shove a stick up my vagina". I said I'd love to speak to their mums and asked for their phone numbers. Funnily enough they didn't fancy that and cycled off.

Am I in the right to keep engaging in confrontations with these boys? Does it make me a weird old woman or am I in the right to try and teach them a lesson about showing off by intimidating women?

I'm not sure you're going to get anywhere from this other than to make walking in your local area uncomfortable and anxiety enduring for yourself.

These boys are going to validate each other's experience and you as both the female and the adult will always be the Other to this. Anything you try will probably entrench them further into this behaviour. They might even be lovely 1:1 but as a group just egg each other on/can't be seen to back down.

Obviously I'm in no way condoning their behaviour. It's vile and they do need to learn some manners. I just don't think chance encounters on the street is the way this is likely to happen. You did make me chuckle with "Boo!" though!

OP you’re my hero, I hope they do leave you alone. Do you live in a small town? Are you very likely to see them much again? From memories of school they can be absolute pests at that age.

Round here their photos would be all over the local Facebook group pages, the fear of that seems to keep them in check! I would have done the same as you OP but then I have a 12 Yr old. I'd probably have got my phone out and started recording them too and taken it the police if the harassment didn't stop, they're above the age of criminal responsibility and they need to learn their behaviour is unacceptable.

Infullbloom absolutely agree. This builds and builds if unchecked. I'm worried about the over sexualisation of boys and the way they see women. That may seem OTT but I worked in a boys' school and it wasn't uncommon to pass around porn but also snuff movies! I'm not saying all boys' schools are like that btw, not at all.

OP I think you've done what most of us would only hope to do in that situation. Sadly I can't see them changing their behaviour from it though, seeing as what their responses to you were the next time you saw them. And I would imagine the apple doesn't fall far from the tree so parents getting involved would only escalate. Good for you though!

Find out who their parents are. Raise it with the mother. I’ve got a 12yo and if I got the slightest whiff of my ds behaving like that, I’d ground him for a month and sell his bike.

Don’t let them intimidate you for a second.

It's laudable that you're doing this, but you're not engaging with them as an adult. You're matching their behaviour which means they'll escalate it.

I had a similar occurrence, OP, on a canal path too, boys on bikes. After the initial event, where they thought it would be funny to cough at me as they cycled by (start of lockdown), I saw them later on and gave them a firm but friendly “nope” talk. They got narky, egged each other on for a bit then sped off. Next time I saw them I was overly pally: gave them a wave from a distance and a cheerful “alright!”. They didn’t know what to say and looked confused as they automatically waved back. Since then, no problems. Might work with your lot?

@JuniperFather yes I think you're probably right. Just talking to the boys about what they'd done would probably have been a lot more effective. Giving them a taste of their own medicine was fun but I'm not sure they 'got' it and it was kind of sinking to their level in hindsight. The opportunity was just too tempting!

Depends on the area and the kids, in East London I wouldn't have engaged with them, rise above it and don't provide them with added entertainment? If they start harassing you regularly I would call the non emergency police number.

I live in a small commuter town. There are military family barracks, which I think is probably where the boys live as the incidents have all happened in that area.

You sound like you've behaved perfectly reasonably, OP. Hopefully it will just peter out, but I suppose you should be ready to take precautions should things continue or escalate.

I suppose my best advice is to act like a firm and unflappable teacher. Don't take shit, don't get overinvolved, don't go over the top in reacting.

You've kind if unwittingly joined in with their game and they'll be on the lookout for you I fear, to see how far they can go and see your reaction. Which they will think is hilarious.
No interaction would have been best. Then they'd soon have lost interest. You've unfortunately stoked the fire.

I took the opportunity to tell them that people don't like being snuck up on, especially women on their own, and it doesn't make them big boys

I wouldn't have said that. I would have said, fucking move. Ime you either completely ignore or, if confronting, you confront in a way that makes them think you actually don't give a shit what the law is and if you had to you would thump them.

Then again, I wouldn't have said 'BOO' and made one of them jump in the first place. That was a really, really daft move.

@Spied yes ignoring is my usual strategy. This behaviour just triggered my inner feminist. It bothers me that boys so young feel they can pick on women, and do so as a way of impressing each other. I do feel that some kind of intervention is needed sometimes, though on reflection I could have done that in a better way.

@Iwalkinmyclothing I'm not sure I agree that you should either ignore or be aggressive. I think calling them on their bluff was pretty powerful in its own way. I agree though that the Boo thing was probably a bit stupid. Not sure I agree that it was "really really daft", they should learn not to dish what they can't take - was probably not the best way of making my point though.

[quote 3ormorecharacters]@Iwalkinmyclothing I'm not sure I agree that you should either ignore or be aggressive. I think calling them on their bluff was pretty powerful in its own way. I agree though that the Boo thing was probably a bit stupid. Not sure I agree that it was "really really daft", they should learn not to dish what they can't take - was probably not the best way of making my point though.[/quote]
Well, you don't have to agree with me :) My responses are based on my experience and that's all- other people have likely had other experiences which make them think other courses of action are better.

What was your point? That people don't like being jumped out on? I think they knew that already, which is why they were doing it. I find your actions really daft as they were unnecessary and have resulted in you being more of a target than you likely otherwise would have. I know you think you are teaching them a lesson of sorts, but what is that lesson?

I hope this resolves itself well for all concerned.

@Iwalkinmyclothing no of course we don't have to agree! I made this post to get some different perspectives so thank you for yours 👍

I guess when I said that to them, it was just to try and clarify to them why I did what I did, as I realised that there was a chance they hadn't made the link with what they had done to me and thought I was just being a weirdo. I also thought that saying something to them as I passed would help to reinforce that their intimidation tactics weren't working. I suppose I was just trying to teach them not to pick on women 🤷‍♀️ could definitely have done it better though!

You will have made some of them think, and that's no bad thing.

I think furrycat1978 idea of giving them a friendly wave and an "alright boys?" may descalate it now, they want you to get angry with them and if you won't then they will probably back off.

@Icecreamsoda99 yes that's already how I respond when I see them. Probably comes across as sarcastic though and tends to give them further ammo for their 'paedo' stuff. I think if I see them again I'll probably try and acknowledge them briefly to show they haven't 'won' but the interaction has probably gone as far as is helpful.