To think care home should let me visit? What do I do?

[berryberry44]

My gran is 98 nearly 99.
I was her carer up until 3 months ago when she broke her hip.
She has advanced dementia.
She would not take food or drink from carers and had a uti and that led to kidney failure.
In the last month since she's been in the home she's ended up in hospital on a drip with severe dehydration as she won't drink unless I give her it.
She weighs under 5 stone.
I've been allowed to visit in hospital for a hour a day which has been fantastic.
I was feeding her and she was drinking (only from me) if the nurses tried she would scream and cry.

Today she's gone back to home ..they won't let me visit to feed her.
The hospital have put a plan in place where it's not recommend any more hospital admissions for IV drips (so this is life or death now)
The home have said I can't go in her room to feed her (she's bed bound ) even with ppe.
I said can you bring her outside in garden for a garden visit .
They said yes your allowed 1 30 min apt a week.
I said she won't eat or drink unless I give her it.
Can I come daily for 30 mins ?
They refused saying they have 30 people in home who all want to see family..my gran can't have daily visits.

So she will become dehydrated again and no drips so this is a death sentence to her.

Aibu to think this isn't right ?

@berryberry44

The hospital are allowing visiting for 1 hour per booked apt What's the difference ?

For a start of the patients in a hospital only a small minority will be at high risk if they do contract Covid. In Most care homes every resident will be at high risk of dying if they contract it.

Care home have very deliberately locked down in order to keep their residents safe as possible

The ward my gran was on was a care of the elderly ward.
Every one was old.
I'm not asking to be let in the home,I'm asking that the permitted garden visits can be every day so I can feed her and give her fluids.

Even if I give her a yoghurt and a cup of water.
It's better than nothing.

I think you'll have to accept that it's not going to happen. The rules are for everyone in the home, and for the safety of everyone.

If they allow you a garden visit every day, they will have to allow every resident a daily garden visit - with all of the covid risk, supervision/staffing and cleaning that that entails.

They are not in the habit of intentionally hurting the elderly people they care for or their families, so that is how you know that they have no alternative.

They are professionals and will be able to get your gran to eat/drink if it is possible to do so.

Incidentally - four covid deaths at the care home in our town after allowing garden visits.

You can't keep her alive on one visit a day.

Hospitals are clinical settings with regular cleaning and they are able to implement stronger infection control than care homes. The Staffing levels are better in hospitals etc etc.

You can't feed her enough to keep her alive. Covid further complicates this situation. If your discussions with the Care Home is around you feeding her, then you won't make any progress.

@rawlikesushi that's probably from the staff who will be having a social life out of work.
Meeting with people /going to pubs etc

Would everyone on here be the same if it was them loosing a member of their family?
Probably wouldn't be as easy to accept.

@berryberry44

Would everyone on here be the same if it was them loosing a member of their family? Probably wouldn't be as easy to accept.

Plenty of people here have been in the situation of watching a loved one fade away and are more than aware how hard it is.

However in the kindest possible way you are going to make things even harder for yourself if you keep clinging on rather than starting to accept the reality of the situation.

berryberry44

I've been there, it's really really hard. I didn't see my gran before she died, in a care home, of dementia and neither could any of her family. But put your energy in to the times you can see her, not fighting this not being able to feed her.

I'm really sorry but every resident of every home also has family desperate to be allowed in to see them the home have to follow current guidelines which for you and hundreds of others is heartbreaking. I am sure they are doing all they can to make her comfortable.

Hi OP
I think they’re being unfair.
I can only go on my own previous experience though...
My dear nan (aged 92) passed away in her care home a few weeks ago and the home allowed my cousin, my aunt and me to all spend hours and hours with her in her final days. Only caveats were - ppe (face mask, gloves, apron) and only one of us at a time. One time I was there until 3am to comfort her while we waited for the DN to arrive to administer more morphine. It was known she had been sent back to die.
In your case I would say it is far more important for you to be able to visit.

I saw this with my GM. My DM Ana aunt willing her to eat and drink. I worked in a clinical setting at the time and knew she'd lost her thirst and appetite.

OP, your GM is dying. The home are, I'm sure, doing their very best. Put all the energy you can into ensuring she has the best possible end of life care as soon as you can.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

@berryberry44

Would everyone on here be the same if it was them loosing a member of their family? Probably wouldn't be as easy to accept.

It's tough but yes I would have to accept it.

My MIL's care home has had staff living on site, not able to go home to their own families, all to keep the home Covid-free.

Once Covid gets in it would spread like wildfire - which is why their have been so many deaths in care homes.

They have to safeguard all the other residents and their staff.

They have no choice.

I'm going to suggest something that is probably not viable but you never know. What about recording a video of you telling her to eat her food with you holding up some food and pretending to feed her...then the nurses show her the video when feeding her? I know they'll be incredibly busy but if they're feeding her anyway it's worth a shot.

I have a family member in a (private) care home at the moment. We're based in Oxon where the numbers of cases are rapidly increasing, however the care home allow daily visits. They will have follow the rules based on location of course, but I wonder if your number of cases are better/worse than the Oxon area.

I accepted it with my mother. Who was 54 when she died. Your grandmother has had a longer life than most, much longer than some. It's time to prepare for the end.

My mum died when she was only 43.
My gran has been my mum for many years now.
It was always the 3 of us together.
The thought of them both gone.

You could bring her home to live with you. They can't make you keep her there, can they?

@steff13

You could bring her home to live with you. They can't make you keep her there, can they?

Realistically though at this stage that is very unlikely to be in her best interest. One person can’t safely provide the level of care it seems is needed.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. But if she has advanced dementia does she actually know who you are?

Having been in the same situation recently, it's only a matter of time until she won't accept any food or fluids.
I know it seems cruel, but it's natural and extremely common in people with dementia.

Also, having been in the same situation. It would've been heartbreaking for my Nan to die as someone brought Covid into her home. You'd feel the same if they let others visit and potentially infect the highly vulnerable people who live there.

I know how cruel it seems, but you must consider that she's not the only resident, if they let you have daily visits they will have to let everyone else. And that would put everyone there in danger.

Realistically though at this stage that is very unlikely to be in her best interest. One person can’t safely provide the level of care it seems is needed.

I agree. But if the OP is insistent that she needs to feed her every day, that's really the only available choice.

They won't let me bring her home.
I wanted her home after her hip break but social services said she needed 24 hour care.
I didn't want her in a care home.
I wanted to continue looking after her.
That wasn't a option anymore.

Don't you have medical power of attorney? I'm in the US, but they can't legally force someone to stay in a nursing home here.

In the kindest possibly way, she is very old and very poorly. This is only going to end one way. The best you can hope is that it is peaceful. I hope you can find a way to come to terms with it.