To phase out friend who constantly brags?

[Greenbutterflies2]

We have been friends for nearly ten years, we met through work. I was in that job for a while before she joined, so I was a bit higher up than her.

Over the last year or two, I’ve noticed she seems to constantly be trying to ‘one up’ me; and it’s exhausting and unpleasant to deal with. I left that career due to having a DS & not enjoying it much - I’m going to start retraining (in a far better paid profession) this September. I’m really looking forward to it!

When I first had time off when DS was born, she kept constantly bringing up her salary (which would apparently increase every month or so ) and even now she frequently discusses it, and has even compared it to what my new job will pay (once I’ve retrained) - as well as grilling me for details on how much I earned previously in that workplace.

It’s really odd, I have never been a competitive person but I’m almost certain she wants to feel like she is doing ‘better’ than me career wise and financially.

I also found out she lied about a few things - she actually told me before her latest pay rise that she had applied to EXACTLY same training course as me and been accepted - she told me this when I was waiting to hear if I’d been accepted or not, which I was really nervous about! It turned out to be completely made up, I called her out on it and she told me that she hadn’t actually applied, she had just looked into it.

So AIBU to phase her out because of how strangely she’s acting about money/careers? We used to have a great friendship, but now every conversation seems to end up with her telling me how great she is I’ve noticed this has only happened since I had DS.

She sounds an insufferable bore. She obviously thinks you're very successful as she wants to out do you but she sounds seriously annoying. Friends like this get very tiresome. She appears quite superficial and rates herself/others by their jobs and wages rather than being a good friend. It doesn't sound like you'd be missing much if you phased her out.

Does she have any redeeming qualities?

I have a friend like this. It’s like she has to be a level above me in all things and isn’t happy if I dare to get above my station. She will talk about herself and the things she has/money she’s spent/salary/new cars, etc. If anything good happens to me she will barely acknowledge it or get cross if someone else does. It really irked me for a long time but she’s honestly a very nice and fun person when she’s not doing that. I’ve learned to completely let it wash over me and not engage in one-upmanship. I congratulate her genuinely with a big smile and then change the subject! She is someone who would do anything for me when the chips are down, so I want to keep her friendship.

So the bottom line is, do you want to stay friends with her OP? Could you have a polite conversation with her about how it makes you feel?

@Ohtherewearethen our interactions definitely are boring and exhausting - we used to have loads of fun and a good laugh, but now it’s just her droning on about her money and not much else! 😴

I'd say 'you've got a lot more competitive recently, and not in a fun way. Is everything OK?' to give her a chance to sort it out.

Phasing out is ghosting and cruel. Just be honest.

I agree with dip, phasing out is mean. I'd probably try and say something

@MrsTWH we have exactly the same sense of humour, and she used to be really laid back and good company - I suppose those qualities still are within her, somewhere deep down, underneath the layers of career/money fixations.

I’d feel quite sad to lose the friendship - the same as with your friend, she is good fun and I don’t think she’s a horrible person, she was very kind before. But now it is as if she sees everything as a competition with me and wants to ‘prove’ how much she’s got things together - when to me, it doesn’t make any difference to how I see her. I’d still value our friendship the same if she was unemployed or at the height of her career. I don’t think she’s a particularly good friend to me anymore though - she didn’t even acknowledge about the course I was really pleased to be accepted onto, and her next sentence was talking about her own career and pay rise again 😬 I wouldn’t expect her to make a big fuss, but as it was something I cared a lot about, any kind of acknowledgement would have been nice!

Maybe phasing out isn’t the right phrase - I mean more allowing the friendship to drift, being less available etc. I wouldn’t ghost or block or anything dramatic or mean.

Being less available is ghosting.

My childhood best friend got like this when we were in our late teens/early 20s. We were at a similar level academically, she chose to attend a fairly prestigious university while I followed a totally different path in a creative field. She constantly bragged about her uni and how smart and successful she was. When I finished college and got a job in my industry (which is notoriously hard to break in to) she couldn't bear to congratulate me and would just bring the conversation back to herself. She also got weirdly competitive about things like clothes sizes.

Eventually I called her out on it and we didn't speak for a year. We did eventually sort things out and she admitted that she had been insecure.

This kind of behaviour is very immature, and if someone is still prone to it well into their adulthood it's not a good sign. You don't have to put up with it, a good friend should support you rather than drain you.

I think this kind of thing often stems from some kind of insecurity or even jealousy. Is there a chance that she really hates her job so when you talk about retraining, she’s trying to make herself look/feel better about it? Or she’d love to retrain too but can’t afford to? Is there a chance she feels you are the bragging one so she’s upping the game? I’m not at all saying you are, but I know I used to get defensive about it and got drawn into similar behaviours until I stopped engaging with it.

it is so unfriendly when someone you thought of as a close friend goes into competitive overdrive. It becomes harder and harder to talk to them. Having said that you could perhaps try to say to her that you feel her behaviour has changed and ask what's up? and give her a chance to rethink. but long term as other pp have said it is draining.

Her behaviour is certainly a result of jealousy and insecurity. That’s a shame for her, but it doesn’t make maintaining the friendship any easier for you. If you come away from every interaction feeling drained and a bit shit, then don’t feel rotten about giving her the heave ho.

I knew somebody like that. It is draining. I tried to take the opposite view, ie, when she was boasting, I'd make a point of bigging myself up for my budgeting and saying how I wanted to de-clutter and simplify and so on, but it was just exhausting.

I think she needs your perception of her to match her perception of her and it doesn't and that jars, so she's trying to control your perception of her.

If it were a long time friend, I"d think about saying ''are you happy? cos I feel like our conversations have a competitive edge and we are in totally, totally different ''races''...

If you think she's open to the honesty

I dont see the problem with so called "ghosting". Shes changed her behaviour without explanation, so why is it not ok for you to do the same?
Fair enough ghosting in a relationship is wrong, but you are in an exclusive partnership there. I assume she has other friends, she can go and bore them instead.

Line up some equally rude responses;

She asks about your money/income "That's none of your business"

She talks about her own income," That's none of my business and I'm really not interested. "

She 's boasting again " Sorry, I wasn't listening. Was it anything important?

Does it annoy you that she is earning more than you and has seemingly done OK for herself at your old workplace? I'm not trying to be goady - I just wonder if you're extra sensitive to it because you were in the job before her, even if you left because you didn't like it anymore.

I would probably try to ignore it and change the subject when she starts talking about money.

@DipSwimSwoosh

Being less available is ghosting.

No, ghosting is when you totally disappear without any explanation and don't respond to messages. That is cruel, but stepping back a bit, still replying to messages but meeting up less frequently, seems like a reasonable approach.

There's definitely something else going on there that she needs to big herself up
It's up to you though to decide if you have the energy to deal with it all

Your life should be enriched with the friendship
It clearly isn't
Time to step away

Thanks for sharing your views - it’s helpful to have an outside perspective.

@InFiveMins honestly not in the slightest! She’s asked for my advice several times on work related stuff I had more experience in - and I offered her support even after I left, I was happy to do this. It’s only since she’s started giving off the competitive/constantly banging on about money and work that I’ve felt a bit off about it all.

Yes this is what I was thinking of doing. Just taking several slow steps back

Was meant to quote @IrenetheQuaint there!

Phasing out and ghosting are different.
You could tell her and if it continues be less available. I dont spend time with people like that. Friends should be fountains not drains .

Certainly sounds like insecurity, and it also sounds draining. If she’s a good friend and it’s really dominating/damaging the friendship, perhaps try to have a conversation with her about it, or call her out (even jokingly) when she does it. I suppose it depends how salvageable you think the friendship is and whether you think it’s worth the effort.