Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Can anyone help, breastfeeding guilt

30 replies

Puzzle500 · 03/08/2020 12:06

Long story short - 6 friends, first children now 5 years old 4 managed to breastfeed 2 of us didn't. My 5 year old is bright happy thriving.

But the 1 other friend who didn't breastfeed has just had her second and is messaging me all day every day telling me how wonderful it is and how it's erased her guilt from first time and how amazing it is if you just try etc

I'm pleased for her but each time she tells me I feel even more rubbish. Spent last night researching and all the long term evidence is its so much better, I should have tried harder etc

I had emergency section and pp haemorrhage and I just could t do it. Why 5 years later do I feel so bad, and what can I do to stop feeling so rubbish.

OP posts:

Parmavioletmum · 03/08/2020 12:13

Oh hun it sounds like she really hasn't considered or thought about the implications of what she is saying.

Fed is best!! My 1st was bottle fed as just couldn't bf. Both he and I were upset with him being hungry. My dd ive managed to bf, still going at 18 months as she is an avid bottle refuser. There are pro's and cons to both but it sounds like you are focused so much on the past.

You've said yourself your little one has thrived. Please please focus on that!!! If you looked at all of them now you wouldn't know which children were bf and which weren't. Truly, please don't give it any more thought. Maybe a word with your friend to carefully ppint out you're so happy she has succeeded this time but please don't talk about bottle feeding like it is a failure.

Original poster

Puzzle500 · 03/08/2020 12:14

Sorry did not realise voting would be on. Don't think my friend is being unreasonable just interested in any thoughts to help get read of the awful guilt it generates (my issue not hers!)

OP posts:

Original poster

Puzzle500 · 03/08/2020 12:15

Thanks so much. Just need some positive love. You are right I will try focus on the now x

OP posts:

Howgreenwasmyvalley · 03/08/2020 12:20

I've got 2 grandchildren. First one was breastfed for 6 months, had loads of ear infections, throat infections, you name it they got it. Second one was bottle fed, didn't have any infections at all. I hate this guilt thing nowadays, no one ever dreamed of saying anything about it when I had mine in the 70s. If you can breast feed, great, if you can't, don't give it another thought.

Onekidnoclue · 03/08/2020 12:21

Your friend is being a bitch! Probably not intentional but still a shit way to behave.
I couldn’t bf DS and am pregnant again. The horror of trying the bf was actually the thing that was the biggest factor against us trying for a second. It’s awful. Sometimes it’s impossible. At the time you torture yourself - I used to read pro bf blogs while feeding my baby a bottle and crying. You need to be strong to be a mum and the bit nobody tells you is that you NEED to be selfish. Now is the the time to message your friend and say while you’re happy for her you’re not in the same position and it’s not helping your guilt to read her messages.
Please look after yourself and remember sometimes it’s not possible to bf and mum and baby are a team. You do what’s best for your team and that includes thinking of yourself. It took my MW telling me my baby couldn’t get any food from a corpse so a bottle now was better than nothing!

GrumpyHoonMain · 03/08/2020 12:26

I had a forceps delivery and a pp hemorage and baby had a tongue tie - so I do have a tendancy to boast / craw about breastfeeding through the pain without meaning to. A gentle word to your friend that you find it difficult to hear should sort it out. If she’s a real friend she will stop.

Baaaahhhhh · 03/08/2020 12:28

Please don't feel guilty. This guilt is a new generation thing. When I was having babies 20 years ago, there was always a mix of BF and FF, and no-one, literally no-one, cared how you fed your baby.

I didn't manage to breastfeed for various reasons, but never felt any guilt, why should I? My babies were healthy and happy, intelligent, well behaved, perfect weight etc etc. They have all done brilliantly in terms of academic and life choices.

There are so many other factors that affect childrens health and happiness, and how you initially feed them, is only one small contributor.

Colom · 03/08/2020 12:30

You say your friend isn't BU but I think she is. It's very, very insensitive of her. Are you pregnant again and she is encouraging you to do it second time round to alleviate guilt? If so then her heart might be in the right place but if you're not pregnant then she's being a dick to go on about it.

I also feel guilt over only breastfeeding my first for a few weeks. It was something I REALY wanted to do but a combination of factors meant I had to switch to formula.

I did go on to BF my second for much longer and while I was happy about that it didn't necessarily alleviate the guilt of my first. I think if it did then it would show I had selfish motivations. BF a second child doesn't impact on the health of the first it just would have meant I felt a personal "success" at being able to do it the second time round, which is fucked up really and just shows the competive undertones of infant feeding!

Laserbird16 · 03/08/2020 12:30

Really you've got two issues here.

One, your friend is oblivious to how this makes you feel. How lovely for her that she is having such a positive experience this time around. Perhaps you could tactfully tell her you're so pleased and how you wish it had worked out for you. With any luck she'll take the hint.

Now the guilt. You want to do the best for baby (who is now a strapping 5) and while breastfeeding is beneficial it isn't the be all and end all. Love will always be what babies and children benefit most from and your child has got plenty of that. Show some compassion for your poor self as it sounds like you had such a rough time in those early days. Yet here you both are thriving!

DinoGreen · 03/08/2020 12:37

I only managed to breastfeed my DS, now 4, for 2 weeks, and like you was the only one in my NCT group who wasn’t breast feeding (the others didn’t stop until 6 months to 2). I did and still do occasionally feel guilt but my DS is the happiest healthiest child - honestly, I think he has had in total 2 days off nursery sick in 3.5 years. I still get a bit annoyed sometimes with the morally superior breast feeders - the ones who post on Facebook all the time about how amazing they are for breastfeeding for 7 years or whatever and post lots of photos of themselves with their children hanging off their boob.

Galaxycat · 03/08/2020 12:41

@Puzzle500

All you need to remember is what you just said - “ My 5 year old is bright happy thriving”

As a soon to be first time mum I’m starting to worry about all these things. But all I will say to you is high fives!!! you’ve kept your baby well and happy big for 5 whole years!! I salute you

coronabeer23 · 03/08/2020 12:41

Don’t feel guilty. It doesn’t matter. I have 3. 2 bottle fed one EBF. Guess which one has hay fever asthma and is currently having food allergy testing?

MumW · 03/08/2020 12:43

Yes, breastfeeding is a fantastic experience yes breast milk is designed for your baby but, and a big BUT, it's not the be all and end all.
If, for whatever reason, you can't or don't breastfeed, then your baby is perfectly safe and nourished.
It is far better to have a well fed baby on formula than a stressed out mum struggling to keep her baby norished and hydrated - you have nothing to be guilty about.

I suggest that you tell your friend that you are really happy she managed this time around but that you'd appreciate it if she packed in the guilt tripping as it is making you feel shit otherwise you might have to step back from the friendship for a while.

It's probably best stop googling, your DD is thriving. Formula feeding isn't bad at all.

For example, Independent schools might, in general, have better outcomes but that doesn't mean sending your DC to a state school is bad and you should be riddled with guilt.

AlphaDalpha · 03/08/2020 12:43

Do you know how your brightest, slimmest, wealthiest friend was fed as a baby?

Unlikely.

It has no effect on your outcome as an adult.

Colom · 03/08/2020 12:44

My 5 year old is bright happy thriving.

Also, this is what you should be focusing on. My DD who was only breastfed for a couple of weeks is never sick and is bright as a button (I know everyone says this about their child 😄 but I'm told it ALL the time). My BF child has always caught everything going and while she's bright, her sister was streets ahead at the same age. BF is a tiny part of development. The quality of your parenting is just as important, more-so infact, when it comes to raising a child who thrives. You've obviously done a great job with your five year old - so please don't focus on the one thing that wasn't "ideal"

Original poster

Puzzle500 · 03/08/2020 12:46

You are all very kind. Thank you. I've been having a rubbish week because of it and I need to move on, I know. Too much other stuff to worry about in this world! Thank you

OP posts:

Phoenix21 · 03/08/2020 12:49

I think she is being ridiculous, I’m a firm believer in fed is best and I only recently stopped after breastfeeding for 16 months.

Why is this coming up now if the kids are 5? Don’t feed into it or compare to what you did, assuming she has no reason to be waxing lyrical, it sounds like she’s just poking you.

Phoenix21 · 03/08/2020 12:50

It says more about her. I’d probably distance myself, no one should be making you feel bad like this about anything.

Orchidsindoors · 03/08/2020 12:51

Honestly there is no difference whatsoever to the child if breastfed or not. None of mine were and they have no health problems, very intelligent etc. I wouldnt worry about it at all.

nettytree · 03/08/2020 12:54

I tried breastfeeding my first. Really didn't like it. So I switched to a bottle. Never even tried with my second. Do I feel guilty. No. I can't see why anyone would. Can't believe anyone judges people for this.

BusyDreaming · 03/08/2020 12:59

I remember feeling like you.
Miserable attempt to breastfeed post emergency CS, couldn’t continue.
Same with my second and didn’t try with my third.

When they’re tiny, feeding is obviously so important but it’s a small part of overall parenting.

Mine are all university age now, bright, happy, healthy, well adjusted young people.
Having spent the whole of lockdown with them and enjoyed their company enormously, my DH and I have reflected that we must have got something right.

Unfortunately, there are people who intentionally or not, make other parents feel bad.
Ignore!

You sound like a brilliant mother with a lovely DC.
Enjoy and don’t waste another second on misplaced guilt.

midwifeyNC · 03/08/2020 13:01

Yeh, breast feeding is great. But it wasn't for you at the time. And that's ok!

I tell mums in your situation this story, it's a conversation I had with my friend a few years ago.

My friend is a Ks1 teacher and we were taking about our jobs when breast feeding came up. She said 'you know what, it seems like a huge deal when they're new, but do you think by the time they get to me at 5 I could tell you if they were breast or bottle fed? Cos I couldn't!! Absolutely no idea!'

And I thought wow! She's right.

That's not to say that 'now she's older it doesn't matter' because if it matters to you then that's fine. But try to let go of the guilt. Your little one was fed and loved beyond measure. That's all that matters

timesareachanging · 03/08/2020 13:02

@Puzzle500

I have two DCs and never breastfed either of them through choice 😬

No one really cares how you feed your kids. Just ignore your friend and start concentrating on the fact that you’ve raised a happy healthy child.

Elsa8 · 03/08/2020 13:11

Think about your daughters classmates in your head. I bet you can’t tell me which ones were breastfed. I bet you can tell me which ones have supportive, caring, interested parents who give them attention and love. That’s the thing that makes the difference IMO. Breastfeeding is biologically best in an ideal world, but everyone has different bodies, different babies, different birth experiences, different amounts of support and ultimately a different journey.

My oldest wouldn’t latch, had formula from birth and god did I beat myself up over it. My second child fed fine but I bloody hated it, it really wasn’t my thing! He was combination fed until about four months when we switched to formula. BF really was not all it was cracked up to be honestly!

Please focus on all the things you’re doing really well right now rather than feeling low about something that happened five years ago.

rosiejaune · 03/08/2020 13:18

www.whale.to/a/wiessinger.html

Flip

1 2