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Original poster

To let him go without saying goodbye to 3yo

19 replies

Milkybarmummy · 03/08/2020 10:16

my boyfriend of almost 2 years is leaving. He and my 3 year old daughter get on really well and I don't know how to handle it. Does he say goodbye, will she understand? Or do I explain after he's left, but will she then feel abandoned? He's been living with us through lockdown so is a big part of her life. I'm probably not thinking very clearly but want to make sure I make things as easy as possible for her. She as at nursery until tonight, please help!

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 03/08/2020 10:19

Keep things very light - say he's gone back to his own house now and we'll see him soon. Then be vague if she asks when until he stops being a topic of conversation.

Amigoingmad29weeks · 03/08/2020 10:21

I agree. Light and vague. I'd actually even wait till she asks where he is. Then say as above. Will she have seen any arguing etc?

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 03/08/2020 10:23

Please please have some sort of goodbye. I threw my exh out but expected him to say goodbye to my 3 x dc. The bastard didn't and my ds sobbed every single night for 13 weeks.
He was 3.7..

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 03/08/2020 10:23

Meant to add at 11 he is having therapy for anxiety around people leaving him - ie siblings leaving home.

PumpkinPie2016 · 03/08/2020 10:24

Light and vague is best I think with her being so little.

X was staying with us for a while because he wasn't able to stay at his own home. He can now, so he has gone to live there again.

Or words to that effect.

Hope you're ok Flowers

Original poster
Milkybarmummy · 03/08/2020 14:03

Thank you. There was no arguing no, she's not seen anything at all negative. I think vague is probably best for now as I'm not sure i could say much else and keep composure. She draws pictures of the 3 of us and calls it 'my family' so I'm not sure how long she'll accept vague, or forget easily. I'm praying today isn't a drawing day!

OP posts:
Original poster
Milkybarmummy · 03/08/2020 14:06

@Feralkidsatthecampsite this does concern me as her dad left for another country in February too, but I'm not sure either of us could do a goodbye without getting emotional 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Proudboomer · 03/08/2020 14:09

I am a bit confused.
Is he leaving because the relationship is over or is he leaving as lockdown is over and he is returning to his own home and you will revert to just dating?

Original poster
Milkybarmummy · 03/08/2020 14:16

He is leaving because the relationship has become too much. I'm quite stressed and probably a bit emotionally unstable due to lockdown n my DDs dad leaving all kind of happening at the same time (100 miles from my family) and obviously that's a lot to ask someone to deal with, especially with a toddler that isn't his. I'm gutted, but i understand its probably for the best as I can't give him the type of relationship someone child free could 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Proudboomer · 03/08/2020 14:22

So the relationship has ended and is likely your child will never see this man again.
He needs to say goodbye as to just disappear would be awful for your child and her sense of security. It won’t be an easy thing for your child and you will both need to handle this very gently and she will probably need extra reassurance from you. Good luck

Original poster
Milkybarmummy · 03/08/2020 14:23

My DDs dad leaving the country just to be clear, not me, our marriage has been over some time.

OP posts:
Fatherbrownsbicycle · 03/08/2020 14:36

He needs to say goodbye.
Really cruel to just vanish from a child’s life with no goodbye. They would endlessly wait to see them again & it would be a long time before they gave up hoping and asking.

ifoundafoxcaughtbydogs · 03/08/2020 14:53

I disagree about being vague because she could be filling the gaps with all sorts of ideas. In the same way that you tell little ones about death in clear terms so that they don't become confused or worried I think a short but truthful explanation and a goodbye is kinder.

averythinline · 03/08/2020 14:57

I agree with Fox - if he can say goodbye to her fine - if not you need to be clear that he has gone back to his house and you and him aren't friends anymore. You need to be clear and consistent , did she have a relationship with her father? how aware is she of him leaving the country? Its probably a good idea to have some time just you and her and establishing your family bond as a pair .....
I wouldnt make to much fuss about it though as kids can be very resilient to change...

rebecca102 · 03/08/2020 15:18

He has been in your child's life for nearly two years!! Please have them say goodbye as hard as it will be. How confusing for a child that young to have someone she draws and calls family to suddenly disappear. This could create issues for her when she is older.

rebecca102 · 03/08/2020 15:19

@Bringmewineandcake that's terrible.

Fanthorpe · 03/08/2020 15:25

Avoiding things because they’re emotional isn’t a great idea, it’s ok to be sad and show it. Don’t make her responsible for making you feel better, obviously. But it’s much better for both of you if you’re honest that he’s going, you feel sad but you will feel better again soon. Talk about something you’re looking forward to doing with her tomorrow and next week, make plans, even small ones.

I understand why people want to keep things light but in the long run it doesn’t help.

Im sorry it hasn’t worked out, I hope there are better days ahead.

Original poster
Milkybarmummy · 03/08/2020 15:59

We have agreed he will come back to say goodbye next week

OP posts:
SadSack39 · 03/08/2020 16:21

Omg i dont get this.. shes 3 right, she doesnt need any big goodbyes.. she will have forgotten by teatime.. just a quick see you later is fine, and just explain you will see him soon when she asks..

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