Being angry about the mess

[Sharpandshineyteeth]

I have 5 DC. Youngest is DP’s. We don’t live together as our relationship isn’t great but we are continuing it as i have a terminal Illness and will at some point soon need more support.

Anyway, putting that aside. I took my eldest daughter out for her birthday today. He stayed here to watch the little one.

I got back. The place is a mess, I’m obviously annoyed but he’s saying it’s the 15 yo, his gf and the other who have made the mess so why should he be expected to clear it. For reference, the kids all clean and tidy after dinner so don’t do nothing.

My view is that he is the adult to either prompt them while they are making food or just spend 10 mins loading the dishwasher and having a quick tidy so that everything is ready for me to start dinner when I get back.

I had a bit of a go at him, went for a lie down and he just cleared off. I’ve told him he needs to come back to talk about this because it’s ridiculous.

Please tell me what you think

Also need advice on how to keep my calm when he comes over as he’ll just walk out if I even raise my voice and I’m feeling like I could scream and shout to just grow the fuck up!!!

I would tell the kids that made the mess to clean it up and tell them how disappointed you are that they didn’t.
I wouldn’t expect your partner who doesn’t live there and is the not the older ones dad to start telling them what to do.
I hope you had a nice day out with your daughter for her birthday.

I appreciate your answer. Would it not wind you up that he was just sitting watching a film while the place was a mess.

I think it's. It working and whatever arrangement you have come to is doing more harm than good.

It's not his fault.

Tbh it doesn't sound as if your relationship is going to last the distance. He technically only has an obligation to the youngest. You might need another plan for future care. This sounds incredibly stressful for all of you.

I hope you had a decent birthday trip out.

There is nothing worse than coming home to mess especially when you're as anal as me. I do sympathise.
And I'm so sorry to hear of your condition too. Another reason people should be a bit more considerate, as it must be tiring for you.
Take care

It would wind me up yes.
My DH can ignore or doesn't seem to notice or worry about mess indoors. I'm abit anal in that I like washing up etc done before bed and I have to vacuum every morning before I get on with my day.
Yes I think the 15 year old should be told he needs to tidy up behind himself, and yes your DP should encourage this.
Him walking out would wind me up even more. I would just leave him to stew.
🌷 sorry about your diagnosis.

I would be wound up if it had been him and the toddler making a mess. Like if he let him paint or play dough and it was everywhere and needed serious scrubbing.
But mess that the older kids made, that could be cleaned in 10 minutes by loading the dishwasher and cleaning the sides I wouldn’t be angry at him. I probably would give the older kids a bollocking for leaving a mess for you to come home to. But once they had cleaned their mess that would be the end of it for me.

It should be the ones who made the mess that you’re angry at. Your dp does not live with you, he is not the elder children’s dad, he has no authority in your house to tell them what to do.

If it’s mess he’d made while looking after your joint child then fair enough. Or unloading the dishwasher while he made some lunch that would be appreciated. But if your eldest has trashed the kitchen, no I wouldn’t expect your dp to clean that up.

I think he’s an inconsiderate sod. If someone I had once loved was in your, situation, I would do allI could to help them, including telling kids to clean up their bloody mess. How childish does he sound? “Ooh, it’s not my mess”. Arsehole