Will we be ok?

[cultivated]

I left my abusive ex when my son was 3 months old. Facilitated contact for a bit, but his abuse didn't stop. On advice from health visitor and friends, I stopped contact. He was extremely angry about this. Continued to harass and abuse me. I now have a restraining order which he hasn't broken so far.

He took me to court and we are in proceedings currently. Have been for over a year. The courts are saying he has to attend a domestic abuse perpetrator program before he is even considered for contact with DS, who is nearly 2.

I KNOW he can't change. He's a serial abuser and I'm not the first.

I'm not sure, if he does get on and pass the course, that I will cope with him seeing our son. He's dangerous and awfully angry.

I feel like I can't protect my little boy and it's out of my hands.

How will we ever be ok if he gets access? I can't see it ever ending well.

IF he goes on the course and doesn’t lose it, and IF the court then grants him access, I expect it will be through a contact centre and under obs for a while.

I doubt he’ll be able to attend a course until Cv19 restrictions are lifted, then back to court..... could be 12 months away yet. What does your solicitor think?

@Mintjulia there are do many ifs which is just so unsettling. Very uncertain and anxiety inducing.

Sadly I don't have a solicitor.

Hi OP. Given your relationship was abusive and you have a restraining order in place, are you entitled to legal aid? I understand if you can document the fact that the relationship was abusive and you can't afford a solicitor, then you may be eligible for legal aid. I'd recommend you get this sorted ASAP (sorry if this is teaching you to suck eggs).

I absolutely understand your concern. The court has to grant him access and he still has to attend and pass the course first though. That won't happen quickly, and hopefully a solicitor will help to ensure that it doesn't happen at all, or at least not unsupervised at a contact centre where your child can be properly protected.

Best of luck.

@Glitterandunicorns I should be entitled, but because I live with my father, and pay rent to him instead of a private landlord, I can't claim UC for housing costs and this puts me under the threshold, even though if I paid the same amount of rent to a private landlord I would be entitled to legal aid.

These type of people always show their true colours. Likelihood is he will trip himself up and show himself for what he is before he gets any unsupervised access ( which would be a long, long way away).
The authorities have to be careful and they are trained to see-through people like your ex. I very much doubt he could fool them like he likely fools those around him into believing he's a good guy.

I'm just scared of him showing his true colours to DS.

I was in the same position! I can tell you that particular course is rock solid to pass. The work done with him is based on your victim statement. So it's tailored to his type of abuse. He has to admit it. He had to attend every single session. He is monitored and assessed and the course directors decides whether he has passed. It's absolutely rock solid to pass it. Mine didn't. Good luck x

@Vik81 that's really helpful, thank you. Do you mind me asking what he has to do to get on the course in the first place?

Can you save a small amount each month? If it takes a year or 2 to get to court you may have enough even to be represented at the last minute. Apply to take a McKenzies friend at the beginning to take notes and be supportive..

@Feralkidsatthecampsite it doesn't take a year or two to get to court. He put in an application and we were in court within two months. We've been in court proceedings for over a year now.

By the time he applies for a course, does the course, Cafcass assess and present a report, gets to court, you can dispute the report if appropriate.. Covid 19 will surely be delaying all of the above...
My case with exh took 4 years!

He had a first initial assessment. In that assessment he had to show some sort of admittance and reflection. He refused to do so blamed me for everything was quite violent and aggressive to the workers. They wrote up a comprehensive report detailing his behaviour and character and refused him access to the course! As a result he has to pay nearly £2000 to access the course himself. He tried to get onto another course which was not as stringent, I said he could go on it but it wouldn't replace this one and he could use it to gain access to the course he should of taken. That was three years ago. He tried to get a solicitor involved who sent me vile letters trying to get me to break the court order. I refused. Haven't heard from him since.

Even if he does pass the course it doesn't mean he had open access to your child. You then go back to court and agree access. My huge worry was the courts would only grant so many contact sessions in contact centres after that I had to make my own arrangements. At a cost of £114 a time it was a concern. But we never got that far.

Remember he has spent a lifetime bring the person he is, would a 6 month course change this? The good thing is the courts are child centred and would not put a child in harm. For me they also said he could have indirect contact, which he never used. This is so the child can build a safe relationship but also so he can't appeal.

My current dilemma is that she has his surname. She hates it refuses to acknowledge her surname. Hates the fact it's different from mine and has now said her surname is her middle name. I can't change it without his permission or face going through the courts again which could bring him back into our lives. Luckily her school allows her to be known as my surname. But all formal documents are in her real name.

This was the worst time of my life. But it gets easier, he has a hell of a lot of hoops to jump through before he sees your child. Thinking of you.

Last piece of advice I'd give you and I know this is hard to achieve. But get a solicitor, I moved in with my parents and used every penny I earned to pay for one. It was the best money I have ever spent. Without it I wouldn't of been able to get the result I got. Legal aid is a complete con, I took him through the criminal courts also at the same time for his violence towards me and I used legal aid. I early just under the threshold and after months of scrutinising my bills they said I could afford £750 a month to them! They literally took my rent and child care only into consideration- who needs to eat, be clothed, use electricity! Luckily they messed it up so much I only had to pay one months fee.

It was my solicitor who wrote up the court documents (in my favour) it was my solicitor who cross examined him and his evidence. It was a barrister I hired who got him to show his true character to the judge. I couldn't have done this alone. It cost me £15,000 in the end but he is out of our lives for good and my child has a safe happy future ahead of her.

Another tip I would give is take the counselling offered and DV support offered by the court. It changed my life. Practically the DV support gave me advice for good solicitors and what to expect in court and what to fight for. The counselling changed my life, spent two years doing it and learnt life long skills to manage my emotional pain. I even went on the course to be a counsellor afterwards!

It's a huge chunk of your life this period, but it's not all of your life. You and your son have many many happy years ahead of you.