To be scared I won't find someone better? I let him go too soon

[Idunno2020]

Split up with my ex husband a while ago, we married really young and were together throughout our 20s, we’re both 30 now. He was very lazy, in and out of jobs, went periods without working, didn’t help with the house or children. I basically brought the children up on my own, constant arguments, I had depression. In the end I couldn’t take it anymore and asked him to move out, he did. 18 months ago he meant someone, and he’s changed so much. He’s training to become an electrician, he’s so hands on with the children. The children has just come back after two weeks at his house, he gets up with them every morning, eats breakfast with them, bathes them, cooks dinner with them, he sends me pictures . His girlfriend was at work, so he was all alone with them. And they just had so much fun at his at house.

He says he still loves me, and I do too. We’ve talked about how things were in the past, and he said he was just very depressed and wasn’t ‘there mentally’. He kept his emotions bottled up, and didn’t speak to me about it.

All I wanted was for him to be more involved. There was nothing bad about our marriage, other than his laziness.

There’s obviously no future for us, I just wish I hadn’t let him go so soon. I don’t know, I feel scared I won’t find someone like him again.

Why do you say theres no future? If you both still love each other and that was the only bad thing about the marriage

Well there is a future .... if you both really want it . Life is short .

Sounds like his new relationship is a better “fit” for him - and that is no slight on you. People change so much in their 20s (maybe throughout life)

You’ll find your “fit”. You did a brave thing in ending a relationship that wasn’t working. It sounds like it’s worked well for the DCs, too. Focus on what you want and need from life. Do what makes you happy. Don’t rush into another relationship. - and never go back.

How can there be any future for us when he's with someone else? He's been with her for 18 months, and they live together?

This is going to sound so harsh but it sounds as though he’s found his happiness and maybe she has helped him to unlock it. The other thing you have to remember is that he doesn’t have the kids full time so of course they’re going to do fun things and he’ll get up with them In the morning. He’s Disney Dad. Let him get on with his life and you’ll find someone

If you two still love each other, of course there can be a future he just needs to choose. Life is to short to be anything but happy.

I think you have to realise that sometimes the people we are with don't bring out the best in us. Obviously for him his new girlfriend does? You might try and get back with him but he'd just revert to how he used to be with you as that's just how the dynamic of your relationship worked?

I don’t think you understand what Disney Dad means @EmbarrassedUser.

This new exh is only real if he continues like this. And you’ll only see with time whether he really has changed or not.

Could be that you leaving him scared him into changing. Could be new DP refuses to pick up the slack from him and he has to step up as heh as no choice.

The reasons you left him sound rational to me. You gave him a decade to step up and he chose not to. There’s no guarantee if you both get back together the new shiny and improved ex won’t revert to type.

Honestly I'd be really cautious around a man that lives with one woman and texts another saying he loves her, exH or not.

And the PP was right, it's easy to be a super Dad when you don't have them all the time. I'm much more fun now with my kids because they go to their Dad's a couple of nights a week and I have time to be by myself and recharge.

He's living with his girlfriend of 18 months and is telling you he still loves you? Yeah, you're well rid.

Sometines people need a catalyst to change. You ending it with him was his catalyst to change.

I wouldn't go back if I were you, familiarity may cause sliding backward and back into old routines and set up.
Focus on your future, finding your catalyst and finding your happiness.
He shouldn't really be telling you he loves you behind his current partners back either, that's slimy and underhanded behaviour

It’s not about ‘finding someone better’. It’s not about settling for the best you think you can find. It’s about being happy yourself - whether that’s in a partnership or single.

I just feel like I should have pushed through, and not let go. He's already committed to her, they've spoken about marriage, and he said she's been through a lot with her ex. He threw her out and cheated on her, he doesn't want to do the same and leave her. He also said he didn't want anyone else, but I was the one who left him and now he feels like he can't just leave her.

Guess it's time to move on. I feel like we would have worked now, because we're both in a much better headspace. It is what it is, just scared he's going to be 'the one who got away'.

To be honest (and I say this as a stepmum) so I see DH with his DD as well as our DC it’s easy to be a great dad when you don’t live with your DC full time. There’s no gaurantee that if you’d stayed with him that he would have changed or that if you got back together that he wouldn’t just go back to his old ways. Now with the children he has no choice but to look after them and what you describe is the basics of what he should be doing.
I also am not sure that you should want someone like him again as he put you through a lot and made you unhappy. It shouldn’t have taken you asking him to leave to make him change. I think you need some perspective on him and that he is also only showing you the positive side of him and as you aren’t living with him you aren’t seeing the whole picture which may not be as positive.