To think something traumatic to me happened when I was a child and I've blocked it out

[lockdownmu]

This might sound crazy.
I do yoga - breathing etc. Had therapy for my stepfather committing suicide when I was 21 (I am now 50).
I often hear certain music and theme tunes from my childhood and my blood runs cold.
I know there is a false memory syndrome but it would explain why I have such trouble controlling certain emotions.
I hold down a job/ have two lovely DC, wonderful DH...
Or am I imagining this...

It's possible, of course, but I'd caution against leaping to that conclusion. I was taking hypnobirthing classes and my teacher concluded the same of me when I suddenly got very upset during one session where we were bring coached to visualise ourselves in a safe place from our childhoods, and I absolutely couldn't think of one.

I didn't have a particularly happy childhood and have forgotten large chunks of it entirely, but I don't think I'm blotting out a specific trauma. I was, for instance, sexually assaulted as a nine-year-old, but I remember it perfectly.

Not sure but am in a similar place myself. I get the same feeling and it feels like it is the worst thing imaginable behind the clammy mist that spreads over me. I think I am getting closer to sitting with it and processing it whatever it is but my initial response when I feel it coming on is to run from it as it feels like if I let it envelop me then my whole sense of self and identity will be pulled from so it always feels safer to leave whatever is behind the feeling to be processed another day. I also do a lot of yoga and meditation.

It's possible but it could also be something relatively minor.

I go cold and feel anxious when I hear a certain accent in the UK. It links entirely from memories of having to visit my grandma who I didn't know well and made me nervous (I was about 4 years old) I know nothing bad happened though, I never left my mums side.

I feel the same, there was trauma in my childhood that I do remember, but I have great swathes of memory missing, and behaviours and fears that indicate abuse, though I don't know what it could be. My partner agrees; he notices similar patterns of behaviour in me and his mother who experienced CSA and he unfortunately had to support her and care for her most of his life due to this.

For example, though its rare now, I have had many disassociative episodes in the past where I seem to regress to being child-like and I get really scared of my partner, even though he's never done anything to make me feel that way. I'll apologise and cry for no reason, and I can have panic attacks if he touches me to try to comfort me. It's weird, and I don't know why it happens. Thankfully, it's been a long time since it's happened now, but it does point to the idea that I've blocked something out.

It could be that or it could be that you just didn’t feel safe as a kid. But not because of a specific incident.

Not unusual for people to block our traumatic memories or parts of traumatic incidents. Often that's how PTSD develops, because the brain is stuck on only part of a memory (a huge oversimplification, I know).

Can you talk to anyone from childhood in a general sense or maybe look at old photos to see if they help you remember any more information?

It's not Money, money, money is it? That always makes my blood run cold for some unknown reason.

It might not be that you have blocked a memory or incident though but that your (conscious) brain hasn't connected those particular smell, noise, music etc to a particular event or time in your life so you react without the conscious part of your brain recalling the memories or particular time in your life.

Or it has been filed (think of memories in a filing system) incorrectly so for example your memory for an elephant has been filed in the wrong drawer with say ice cream so for no apparent logical (that you can think of) reason when you see/eat ice cream your brain recalls elephants. Your brain doesn't understand the confusion you feel because as far as it is concerned the two things are filed in the same place so they logically go together. Except they should be in two completely separate drawers!

Do you remember your childhood? Some people forget large portions of it.

Lots of memory is missing or imagined. You could consult an EMDR therapist, saying you want to feel safe in your emotions and can they help you. What might actually work well is working with a therapist to use those triggers to bring on the emotions, figure out what you feel - then construct a new image
So if you feel helpless, or trapped, you imagine yourself really powerful or with the key to escape.
You might, however remember more and this might be distressing. And such memories would not be reliable. Therapy can contaminate them.

The thing is that some of the things that might make a young child feel unsafe and scared are not necessarily what an adult would consider traumatic. And most of us can only remember small amounts of our lives before 3 or 4 years of age, not because of trauma but because our memories of early childhood are patchy and hazy.
So something could have happened to cause your feelings, but it may well have been something minor. I think phobias can develop this way too.
So if a toddler sees a parent act visibly scared of a spider, they may (but not always) have a phobia of spiders as an adult. But they often wont remember why as an adult.

That "blood run cold" feeling sounds a lot like a phobia to me. But if it was heights making you feel that way, you wouldn't assume something awful happened to cause it because fear of heights is a very common phobia. I knew someone who was so scared of buttons that it limited the clothes she could wear. I also read an article once about a woman who was scared of muppets and puppets because of an incident from her childhood which was very troubling to her at the time (but would have seemed fairly innocuous to an adult). Iirc correctly the muppets were playing in the background when she was briefly left alone with a very elderly, unwell, immobile woman. I will try to find the story.

My point is that even if the feelings are caused by something in your childhood, don't leap to the worst!

No help to you but I've thought the same thing. I speak in quite a babyish voice which I hate but just cannot help!? I googled it and it said women sometimes do this because of some sort of trauma when they are young.

EDMR will help

metro-co-uk.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/metro.co.uk/2013/10/03/automatonophobia-mother-haunted-by-muppet-show-phobia-4133756/amp/?amp_js_v=a3&amp_gsa=1&usqp=mq331AQFKAGwASA%3D#aoh=15963115102316&csi=1&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fmetro.co.uk%2F2013%2F10%2F03%2Fautomatonophobia-mother-haunted-by-muppet-show-phobia-4133756%2F

Sorry I know link is not terribly relevant to your situation! Just to show that "trauma" when you are young does not have to be abuse or something truly awful.

Thank you. I don't think I it was something terrible but it does feel like something I may need to address.

I also have this feeling, and I have tried hard to recall what it might be. There is something I partially remember which is disturbing but I can't remember anything actually happening to back it up and also can't be sure it was real and not a dream or something I heard from somewhere else. So never had the courage to ask my dm or dsis about it. It's very strange when you think we don't remember a lot of our childhood. Why is this?

Yes I get something similar.

I did a little research and apparently this is how you feel if you have forgotten childhood abuse, its like something is "just" out of reach of your memory. I think I read about it on the NAPAC website (National Association of People Abused as Children) - but ... as far as I know, there is no way to "unlock" this, so I will definitely leave mine whatever it is. Most of my family are dead and I'm nearly 60 so its probably nothing and I will never know.

@TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince - I've had EMDR and it helped overall, but it won't help with recall.

My mum had this suspicion years ago - her therapist actually said that perhaps if something was 'blocked out' there was a good reason for it and best to leave it that way. Which she actually found really helpful - although in her case she was basically exiled from the country she'd grown up in so there was no potential issue for her of coming into contact with people from her past.

Hi OP

I dont think people here can answer this for you.

It could be some kind of association with a scary memory, the kind of silly thing kids are freaked out by because they get the wrong end of the stick but as an adult it's not scary in the slightest.

It could be a traumatic memory that was so awful you've blocked it out.

It could be something to do with the death of your step dad, and it reminds you of your childhood ending or something.

I think if you want to explore this you need a professional to help you work this out

I have large chunks of my childhood that I don't remember, yet I have vivid memories (that my mum and nan have confirmed are real) from when I was very young around 2 or 3. I have no idea what happened during those times and no desire to know, I didn't have a happy childhood I remember some nasty things I wish I could forget. But certain things turn my stomach, and some noises will turn me into a complete wreck and I don't know why.

Sometimes if you have blocked out a trauma - it's best to leave it that way. I think it's a bit like opening pandoras box.

Perhaps it was something to do with your stepfather's suicide? You might not remember that the song was playing on the radio on the day of his funeral or something. It is possible that there was something else of course, but it's also possible that those songs were linked somehow to the very traumatic event that you do remember.

Anything is possible, I would say enter therapy with an open mind, childhood experiences,past life or just an aversion to a certain musical key - all possible. But you sound like you’re in a situation you need to find yourself - explore with an open mind.

While something horrible may have happened, it also maybe something that we may look at with adult eyes and explain as inconsequential. To this day my daughter can’t handle anything to do with Humpty Dumpty. She reacts as though she has been abused. Massive shakes, absolute terror, etc... Only, nobody dressed as Humpty Dumpty abused her. It wasn’t playing when anything terrible happened. She was happily watching Dora the Explorer when she was freaked out by the giant, talking egg when she was two and a half. I saw it happen, and she couldn’t even watch Dora again. (She still claims that eggs shouldn’t have faces.) When kids are little, their minds are capable of processing things that they are incapable than they can express and can’t ask about. You may have developed a trauma simply as a result of watching tv.