Am I wrong?

[Northpoleaa]

This discussion with my sister has been going for a while and I'm just fed up.

I need to know if I'm wrong because I can't see it.

When my sister had my nephew she went back to work within 3 months. She left my nephew with my mum. She worked everyday apart from one day. My nephew would stay there every night and the last night before her day off she would come collect him. (She leaves 30 mins away)

When he was ill she didn't bother coming. I took him to the GP a few times and had my newborn.

3 years later she had her second chidl. She has decided to leave work.

I'm due back in work in two months time. My mum is insisting to look after my daughter. I have said no I will get child care she has said no. I have insisted to pay her and she got angry and said no.

The reason I rather get child care is because she had a difficult time with my nephew. She is late 50s. I used to go over to help her. A very very active child and always wanted to go out. My parents love him to bits but it was difficult.

She never came to collect him in the evenings which I found very silly. This too was exhausting for my mum but my mum never said anything.

It got to a point where I had to tell her he is hard work and if she can collect him in the evenings and argument kicked off and she told me to piss off.

Now she is saying why are you leaving your child with her.

1. I'm not - my mum is insisting.
2. I have said I'd rather arrange child care and my mum said NO.

Last straw today and I told my sister to go and talk to mum if she has an issue with it.

Am I wrong?

Could you put your child with your mum less days (eg 2) and with childcare the rest and just say to your mum you are actually only going back 3 days and the other side wants to look after for a day? It sounds though like your sisters child was actually brought up by your mum, if you were collecting your child in the evenings it would be no where near as hard as with your nephew.

You’re wrong to let someone else dictate a large part of yours and your child’s life. You’re an adult. You have a job. You’re a parent. You get to decide your childcare. Why are you letting yourself be bullied like this? You say yes to paid formal childcare. Your mum says no. So what? It’s not her child.

It’s also nothing to do with your sister.

Stop discussing this with both of them and start looking at nurseries or meeting childminders or nannies.

If your mum doesn’t respect your right to make these very important decisions by yourself you know you can’t trust her to care for your child as you would.

It's up to you what childcare arrangements you make for your child, it's not your mum's decision.

It's between your mum and sister to agree childcare for her children.

@LouiseTrees everyone does say that. She brought him up. Sounds like a good plan actually. Split the days. I defo wont be leaving her over night.

@AnneLovesGilbert @dontlikebeards thanks for the replies. Mum says she will be upset if I left her with someone else? Then what?

Sorry proberly all sounds silly and the answers should be obvious but just need a push to make the right decision.

So your sister largely abandoned your nephew to your mother care?

I would be making my own childcare arrangements.

The whole environment sounds toxic and I wouldn't want to be involved or have my child involved.

Your mother sounds like she is doing her best, but it's not a good environment.

You don’t sound silly at all! But you do sound like you’re used to your mum having too much influence over things, perhaps because she brought up your nephew for such a long time.

She’s had her children, and she got to have a nearly ft resident grandchild. This is your baby and it’s entirely up to you who looks after your daughter.

Have you looked into the other options you have? Had any recommendations from friends about where their children go and if they like it?

I think your mother got to play mum all over again with your nephew and she’s thinking of your DD as hers too, forgetting she has a wonderful mum in you who gets to make all of these sorts of decisions. Does that ring true?

It's your child, making the best childcare choice is priority over whether your mum is upset.

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you so much for your kind words! I truly appreciate it. That was so lovely to read. I do have another option so I'm just going to press down and be firm.

I just hate getting into an argument with my mum. She is very very touchy and gets upset so easily.

@dontlikebeards 👍 thank you for that

Perhaps your mum insisted your nephew stayed overnight too. It's your child, you get to decide, not your Mum. However having said that, you will save an awful lot of money if your Mum looks after your child

I wouldn't be surprised if your mum bullied your sister into leaving your nephew there that much... Just like she's doing to you with your child. Cut your sister some slack, and just do what works best for you. If you want to send your child to nursery then do it.

What do you want ? Ignore the feelings of anyone. Who would you feel happiest leaving your child with?
Yes your mum may love her but may not be as fit which is understandable.
Have a good think about it and only do what is right for you, do not be bullied. Your mum is emotionally blackmailing you by getting upset and making you feel guilty and bad,