To ask about your dysfunctional family (If you have one)

[Rebeccca]

I don't know anybody else in the same boat as me so I thought I'd ask on here. I suppose it would be nice to know I'm not alone in coming from a place of dysfunction.

My mother is an alcoholic who afforded me a miserable upbringing. I was an accidental pregnancy as was my lovely brother who she gave up for adoption, but kept me.

I've never met my father because he didn't want to know. Nor does my brothers father, different men.

I've got an uncle who's alcohol dependent who chose (yes apparently he chose) to live on the streets and cut contact with everybody, so there's obviously very poor mental health at play there.

I have two other uncles I've never met because they disappeared and went NC with the family before I was born, I'm 26.

My cousin who my grandparents raised went abroad when I was a child and never spoke to anybody again which I find really strange. He can't be found.

My aunt (whos lovely) has schizophrenia and is continuously in and out of hospital being sectioned, it's rare for her to spend more than 6 months at home before she stops taking her meds again so there's always alot of drama and panic where she's concerned.

My grandparents died when I was 12 and 13 respectively but I remember them being perfectly normal.

I just can't wrap my head around why dysfunction runs so deeply in my family, I'm clearly missing something aren't I? The more I think about it the more I'm wondering whether there is some trauma somewhere that I'm not aware of.

Does anybody else come from a family like this or one which is equally as dysfunctional albeit in other ways?

Sounds not a million miles away from my lot. Depressive father, alcoholic mother, both of whom were estranged from their own families, so lots of shadowy aunts, uncles and cousins who are technically on the family tree but basically MIA. History has repeated itself in my generation, as we were all so messed up we can't cope with, or relate properly to, each other. So my own children, who are not much younger than you, have aunts, uncles and cousins who are just names to them (and a few choice anecdotes). Lots of the family have mental health problems and/or are mired in the social problems that often flow from that.

To answer your implied question, your family history sounds like a fairly common story of mental illness, bad parenting, and trauma echoing through the generations because everyone so far has lacked the emotional tools to stop the cycle. I think it's not unusual to have a sense that there's a trauma you're not aware of, or even one that you've repressed from your active memory, because it's common to normalise the reality of your childhood as 'not as bad as all that' when by most normal measures it would be seen as abusive or at least neglectful. The search for a particular traumatic event is an attempt to make sense of your feelings of loss, when in fact they are legitimate anyway.

In my experience, a key thing is to own the trauma and identify yourself (just in your own mind, not necessarily to anyone else, unless you want to) as a survivor of neglect and abuse. Then you can start reprocessing memories and feelings through that prism (with or without involving other family members) and realise that your feelings are valid and justified, and you will start to recognise how far you have come just to be surviving and thriving. Many people in your position end up severing contact with their families once they've got to this point, although, equally, many don't. But the main thing is to use this realisation to deepen your understanding of yourself as an individual, which is important, imo, to moving beyond the sense of yourself as a victim.

I'm sorry for what has happened to you. The fact that you're here wanting to unpack your feelings shows that you have the insight to work through things and come out the other side in better shape. There may well be old threads in the Relationships forum that have resonance for you (it's not just divorces and affairs, plenty of toxic family threads there too). Other possibilities include therapy or counselling, or there are types of self-therapy you could explore, like journalling, for instance.

I wish you luck on your journey.

My father is an alcoholic and left my mum when I was 18 for another woman. He now lives in a care home as physically and mentally unable to live independently. Prior to his downfall, he was an architect and owned his own business. He was was able to function day to day for years whilst drinking to excess..

He has been in and out of hostels, psychiatric units and hospital for my entire adult life. He has been sectioned 4 times and one of those was a result if M-Cat.

His life spiraled at the age of 44 and he's now only 59.

His brother was also an alcoholic and my father and i discovered his body at the bottom of his stairs. We don't know if it was suicide or accidental as we think he died on the anniversary of my father and his mother's death. (She died suddenly 9th a brain tumour) I was 14 when we found him and he was covered in post!!!

I won't go into my sils problems but she has a very abusive ex husband who emotionally abused her and the eldest son who was his step son. He ended up living with us for a year. .

😂😂😂 I don't know one family that is straight forward!

Wow thank you for the replies, I wasn't sure I'd get any. People tend not to talk about things like this (at least among my circle of friends they don't)

Conquest what you've said makes alot of sense, you're very wise. You clearly have alot of insight and that is what I aspire to having. I think that in itself may serve as a form of closure for me.

alphabet I'm so sorry to read that you found your uncle in that way, I can imagine something like that would stay with you for a long time. I live in fear of finding my mother in similar circumstances.

I've almost just muddled through life not questioning my families background until recent years when I've had my own DC. It's only since bringing my children into the world I've assessed my family as a whole and realised just how deeply the dysfunction goes.

I like to think I've broken the cycle in that I'm a committed parent, don't have substance abuse issues and I'm emotionally available to my DC. I can't help but wish that the wider family were people that could find joy in their existence and be supportive figures in their lives.

My DH's family is a bit wonky but nowhere near as bad as mine, there's no homelessness or alcoholism at least (though they are very disinterested in the DC and none of the siblings bother with each other)

I'm not without my own issues as can be expected from such a start in life. My first relationship was a very abusive one as I had no real concept of what a loving relationship was and I'm left with what I thought was residual anxiety - but turned out to be cPTSD.

I'm sorry that you can both relate on such a personal level, but I really appreciate you sharing what you have as until now I've never spoken to anybody who "get it"

My fiancé's family have taken dysfunction to 3 generations.

Alcoholic mother, divorced alcoholic father (I've not had the whole story but know about at least 1 affair). A string of abusive stepfathers followed, I literally sit there with my jaw on the floor at some of the stories & I'm constantly having to gently explain to fiancé that this or that wasn't normal, it was abuse. And we're talking a full house here; physical, sexual, emotional, financial.

All of the siblings have problems & two, I suspect, have fetal alcohol syndrome. It's a vile dynamic between them all now, sil1 is manipulative & has violent outbursts, bil has NPD, sil2 is desperate to be loved & mistakes any male attention for love (she's now a 40 odd year old burlesque performer or as you & I would call it, stripper. Fortunately she doesn't get much work), complete car crash & fiancé is the 'scapegoat' stuck in the middle while the others play tug of war. I've never experienced such toxicity & I refuse to get involved at all. Fiancé is like a different person since he's gone minimal contact (I'm NC). They're currently on one of their 'freezing him out' periods. After a certain length of time they'll try & hook him back in with attention (classic abuse cycle). Obviously, I'm the problem for educating fiancé & him refusing to be a part of it anymore since the penny dropped. I'm so evil 😈

Well Garlic if you're evil I wonder what that makes them!

On a serious note, they sound awful. Your fiance is most definitely better off out of it.

It'll come as no surprise to you to hear that my family think I'm the problem too, well my mother does, because I won't condone her selfishness. It has been said more than once that I'm the reason she drinks.

It's always the people who take issue with poor behaviour, that are seen as the problem, in these types of families.

I'm really pleased your other half has you

Dysfunctional families2are everywhere.
Once you recognise the behaviour it is up to you to break the cycle. To understand it on a deeper level, inner child therapy may help.You can choose to be a victim or a victor, the choice is up to you.
I have a ignoring narcissistic m who has MH and is emotionally abusive and was a neglectful parent and an engulfing narcissist aunt who both raised me. Absent father who i didn't meet till teens, various aunts, uncles and cousins with MH issues.
My grandparents were lovely to thier grandkids but from what I understand is that they didn't treat thier own kids well.
I operate on NC with some and minimal contact with others, it is what it is

I'll look into inner child therapy, I'm not familiar with that.

Ah narcissists. I'm familiar with those unfortunately! I feel for you. I hope you're generally happy and that your upbringing doesn't hold you back?

You can choose to be a victim or a victor, the choice is up to you.

This is true. I'm not sure how I think of myself to be honest, perhaps somewhere between the two.. depending on the day and whether any of them have upset me recently

I sometimes tell DH I'm going to go NC with my mother and aunt but seldom stick to it. I find that reducing contact brings anxiety and premature guilt that I'm going to regret not being there when my mother passes (which won't be too long away if she carries on how she is)

There is definitely a degree of codependency within me that I'm trying to unpick.