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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strange question

59 replies

Pipeworkhelp · 31/07/2020 22:04

Would it be weird for one friend to drive 20 miles to pick another friend up and then drive another 70-80 miles just to drop him off. To avoid said friend from having to hire a car/taxi to London as he has two heavy suitcases (moving back home after finishing his current hospital job)?

In total 3 hour round trip.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pipeworkhelp · 31/07/2020 22:27

No schrodinger there is no agenda with this- I do like the guy but as I said my spider senses often makes me wonder if he has feelings for my partner. Funnily enough my partners mother felt the very sane thing. She has also met this friend on many occasions. Probably more than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pipeworkhelp · 31/07/2020 22:28

Sparkles definitely the car concerns me as it’s nearly 25 years old- it’s the combination of things though

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 31/07/2020 22:30

I think if you do have worries about the friend having romantic feelings for your partner, the main thing is that you trust your partner and don’t believe he would be unfaithful - if that’s the case then anyone else’s feelings are just that, their own feelings.

BackforGood · 31/07/2020 22:31

Haven't voted as not clear which way your AIBU is working, but I don't think that is weird.
It's what friends do to help one another out.
ds has done similar for a couple of friends (just slightly different situations) recently. Pretty normal friendship thing in my world.

Original poster
Pipeworkhelp · 31/07/2020 22:31

So resounding vote us I’m being unreasonable. I accept that fair enough though perhaps the responses would be different if his friend was female?

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 31/07/2020 22:35

Not from me. It would be similar if this would be a case of gay men and bisexual who might be attracted to each other. But as adults we know there can be friendships even between man and women/man and man etc no matter what sexuality.

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 31/07/2020 22:35

We dropped a friend of mine off in uni on the friday...a drive of 121 miles there

Then she got upset and didn’t want to stay, so we drove her 121 miles back to our house and then on the sunday we drove her back up...and ourselves back down

Fun times 😀

TwentyViginti · 31/07/2020 22:35

You think his friend has chosen to ask this favour to keep you and your partner away from each other during the little time you have together - that he is muscling in on your relationship, and showing you he is top dog.

wellhellohi · 31/07/2020 22:35

@Pipeworkhelp

Also slightly irritated that this is timed carefully to coincide with our little actual social time together
Is he o doctor? They really don't get long between postings. So this might be the timing more then to purely annoy you.

You sound jealous if nothing else.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 31/07/2020 22:36

@Sparklesocks

I think if you do have worries about the friend having romantic feelings for your partner, the main thing is that you trust your partner and don’t believe he would be unfaithful - if that’s the case then anyone else’s feelings are just that, their own feelings.
Plus this.

That may be too mature for MN @Sparklesocks😁

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 31/07/2020 22:37

And deffo what sparkle said

Sounds like your husband is just being kind to a friend

Sparklesocks · 31/07/2020 22:39

@SchrodingersImmigrant Wink

BetsyBigNose · 31/07/2020 22:44

If you're about to make the commitment of moving in together, then now is the time to voice any concerns you may have regarding the nature of your DP's friendship with this man. It may seem a little awkward, but if you're moving in together, then you need to be able to communicate - and if there is something going on, better to find out now.

With regards to this particular trip, it's something I would happily do for a friend, and would be comfortable with DH doing the same for a friend of his. However, if your DP's car is unreliable as you say it is, I don't think YWBU to voice your concerns and perhaps suggest a PP's recommendation of sending his cases on and using public transport instead.

Alternatively, just make sure that he has the phone number for his AA or RAC type cover along with the policy number and ask him to check that he's properly covered, to help put your mind at rest. Although if the car is dangerous to drive, rather than just being liable to break down (which of course, could be dangerous in itself), then I think YWNBU to let him know that you are very much against him driving such a long distance and potentially putting himself and other road users at risk.

Italiangreyhound · 31/07/2020 22:49

Pipeworkhelp you are not being unreasonable at all to be bothered by this.

You have concerns about the nature of their relationship, you have concerns about the safety/work-ability of the car (which your partner will not change), you might even feel pissed off (as would I) that you are meant to be saving up to get married but he is spending money ferrying a possibly richer friend around.

YADNBU.

BetsyBigNose · 31/07/2020 22:51

To add; wrt your DP spending part of your small window of 'couple time' to do this favour, is it possible that perhaps it's because you are soon to be living together and doing a favour for a friend is something he would usually do, but hasn't let it impact on your couple time until now? Since you'll soon be living together he's less precious about spending every second with you, knowing that before too long you'll be together full time?

BikeRunSki · 31/07/2020 22:53

That’s what friends do.
I’ve gone a 3 hour round trip in a work night to help out a friend.

Gordonsgrin · 31/07/2020 22:55

Personally I enjoy driving and that is not a massive ask. I would enjoy the chance to have time with a friend and then a chance to be on my own in the car for a while. It would depend on the friend and how the favour was requested.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/07/2020 22:59

"Well I am down for the weekend (LDR) and partner was supposed to be spending time with me but would rather run this errand for his friend."

"Also slightly irritated that this is timed carefully to coincide with our little actual social time together"

That's - an interesting way for your partner to be prioritising his time. I'd be very fucked off. Probably fucked off enough to just drive home.

damnthatanxiety · 31/07/2020 23:00

OP, I don't think you are unreasonable to expect your partner to prioritise your time together as it is a LDR and you are not together all the time.

Mintjulia · 31/07/2020 23:03

If they have been mates for a while and get on well, it doesn’t seem unreasonable. Mates help each other out.

Why is that an issue?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 31/07/2020 23:04

It's not like he's gone to the local with a mate. He is helping him move.

sammylady37 · 31/07/2020 23:06

I’ve often wondered if said friend has feelings for my partner. He is over 40 and single. No signs of any love interest whatsoever

Oh ffs. Not everyone wants a “love interest”. And being long-term single doesn’t imply he’s gay. And if he was gay, he’s unlikely to be attractive to a heterosexual man, nor is he likely to try to attract that man.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 31/07/2020 23:07

My boyfriend has done this a few times for friends, they also have helped us move twice and it would have been a nightmare without their help.

But then I'm not worried that any of them are in love with him so I suppose it's a very different situation Confused.

RUOKHon · 31/07/2020 23:09

That's an interesting way for your partner to be prioritising his time. I'd be very fucked off. Probably fucked off enough to just drive home

Yep. What a piss take. You made the journey to come and spend time with him and he fucks off for the weekend. Don’t be there when he gets back.

Homebird8 · 31/07/2020 23:13

If you DP wasn’t letting anyone down I would considering him spending time helping his friend to be part of the friendship. The fact that he’s letting you down by doing it on your time together would make me feel YANBU in not wanting himto do it.

The state of the car and the wisdom of the trip on that front is another matter and again YANBU to think you’d make another choice (on the trip and on replacing it). Howeve YABU to think your opinion should be echoed by your DP.

The question about the drivers on either side for the relationship (friendship or more romantic feelings) is not part of the same question. Maybe you are right in wondering whether there is more to it. Perhaps this is a conversation you need to have (or re-have) with your DP. It is obviously affecting your own relationship.

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