Husband???

[Oxfordnono12]

I was a SAHP for 11 years, now I've decided to start my own business, all on my terms, so I work 3 days a week until September. I'll do more when kids go back to school. It's full on and some of the other days I have to do admin, so essentially I do more than 3 days. But kids go to childminders 3 days.

So, nothing really has changed in terms of me doing EVERYTHING. He does the dishes (just dishes, doesn't wipe worktops down etc) Puts 1 kid to bed then heads off to do his own thing (helps with a family thing but its every night) Same kid, gets up and down SOOOOOOOO many times, I'm putting them back to bed etc..

When I try to talk about it, i get, "but you're at home all day", (wfh) "i do help you" "i have stuff to do"..

I'm actually emotional drained. I'm up at 6/7 and not getting to bed until 10. I spend all day on my own with kids. He works, his hours can be different but hes never working more than 9 hours unless he offers.
Any suggestion to communicate better; I'm very directive so have told him exactly what needs done, but it seems to fly over his head. Constructive advice please, I'm fighting the urge to chuck plates at him!

He is a great guy, just been brought up in a very traditional house hold and those attitudes are very difficult to change.

Is there an option for you to go away for a couple of days on a training course leaving him to look after the children so he might get it?

I can see myself being in exactly your situation not too far down the line so I'm interested to hear others thoughts/advice this!

I have gone away before and hes coped very well. But you can see the relief when I'm back and the not so tidy house.

I think it's just the 'cop on' that other things need done and it's so frustrating to have remind someone who lives in the same house to actually look after their own environment.

I suspect that he knows exactly how much you're doing but there's no way he thinks he should be doing any more for the family. What do you think it would take for you to make him 'understand' or change and do more? How nasty would you have to get? How nasty would he then get once he realises that you're deadly serious about the way that his behaviour has to change?

The difficulty is that in not doing it, to prove a point, the only people who would suffer are you and the kids.

Can you slowly make yourself less available? One night in the week ask him to put others to bed so you can work or get up with child as you have deadline or something important to sort? Then slowly make it more regular. Or just tell him that you need them to go to childminders more as you need to focus on your new venture and cant keep working in the evening and doing lions share of all evening 'chores'

I'm curious as why I would need to get nasty? Is that how you communicate? Like what do you mean by nasty?
How do you change routine by being nasty?

Well, you have tried talking to him seriously and he manages to brush your concerns away. I guess I chose the wrong word, but If you were to be more forceful and not let him push your concerns away, what would happen?

Go out.
If you are in the house he will think you are available to do all this stuff.
Or extend the time children are at the childminders- could they eat there so that they just have bath and bed when they get home?
Or go out early, if you are up at 6/7 then go for a run, or to the gym or something. Go to the library or a cafe to work when he comes in.

Whats the "helps with a family thing" every night? That's where the problem is,maybe that's when you need to go out, before he does.

“but you're at home all day", (wfh) - “i’m working, in my place of work. Would you take it more seriously if i hired an office space to do this in?”

"i do help you" - “you’re not ‘helping me’, you’re doing not even a bare minimum of your share of our family life. This is not solely my family that you are benevolently helping out with occasionally.”

"i have stuff to do".. “as do i.”

Barbrahunter "brushes your concerns away" that's it. It's like standing talking to a wall sometimes.

I do think I need to change my behaviour within the house hold. Leaving the house is a good one. Making myself less available. It's very difficult to do so because I know the bear minimal will be done. We got something new yesterday and all the packaging is still sitting there. Usually I'd have it cleared away but I've refused to.
It's kinda like: husband does things, I walk right behind him with a brush and shovel cleaning behind him.

RubaiyofAnyone Yup, come back with those kind of comments and and literally get a blank expression. I can actually sense him shrug his shoulders.

Sorry to ask. Where is exactly and to do what everyday? where is your husband going? I suspect this needs to stop! His family are the priority now

If you are now earning more money get a cleaner once a week.

He 'helps' his dad at the family business. he tends to do most of the stuff. Zero boundaries on dads part. Very frustrating.

I would LOVEa cleaner. What sort of things do they do? How often do they come? Are they expensive?

Get quotes for a cleaner, present to husband and tell him this is how much it’s going to cost because you can’t sustain it alone. I’d be tempted to do a rota as well, then ask him which you try first .