To stop contact between my son and ex if he doesn’t change..

[GJ14]

Hi all, I have a son with my ex. DS is 10 years old. He has high functioning autism. We split when DS was tiny. Been with my partner since DS was a tiny baby.

So my ex.. never been much of a ‘dad’ more like a glorified baby sitter! Couple hours here and there, never whole days or weekends. Occasionally overnight but it would be picking him up just before bedtime and dropping him back first thing.. but he did see him which was great.

I’m aware we’ve had lockdown etc but this was an issue beforehand.

There’s been major issues. DS likes routine and consistency which he’s not been getting with his dad for about 2 year’s (since he had another child). DS likes to know a clear plan and routine. I know things can and will change but this is most weeks.

My ex never plans anything in advance. It’s always ‘I don’t know what I’m doing this weekend so not sure if or when I can have him’ ‘I’m busy with younger child so not sure when I can have him’ or often he will tell him he will have him and change the plan, day or time or even not turn up at all. If he does have him it’s last minute and we may have plans ourselves (can’t sit around waiting for him) or DS won’t wanna go (he likes things planned in advance).

I have explained this to my ex over and over again.

Ex has often changed plans and sometimes not even turned up (well that’s happened a lot in 10 years tbh). Promised DS to take him out somewhere and doesn’t show or changes the plan. So I’m left with dealing with my child having a meltdown.

Anyone who has a child with asd will understand that changes of plans and routines can really disrupt them.

If he does see him it’s never planned in advance.. he will often make false promises, let him down, not turn up as mentioned above.

Told him he’d have him this week but not heard a thing. It’s Friday now.

I don’t want to live my life waiting for my ex wondering if he will show, often we’ve waited in for him to turn up and he doesn’t show but we could have made plans if we knew. It makes me anxious so imagine how a child feels.

If he does turn up he’ll say that he can only have him for an hour as he’s ‘busy’.

It’s getting to the point that DS does not want to see him. As he’s got older he’s realised how upset his dad makes him feel so he’d rather not bother with him than be let down and that’s awful for a 10 year old.

My ex then makes DS feel guilty if he doesn’t want to see him or doesn’t want to speak on the phone.

I feel like stopping contact for a while unless my ex really does sort his s**t out.

I’ve never stopped my ex seeing him but he is making my son very anxious.

Also, they don’t allow DS to have a relationship with his younger siblings. The new girlfriend doesn’t seem to like Ds. DS has autism as above but he’s not hard work, he’s so so caring, friendly and wouldn’t hurt a fly. But I believe it’s because she doesn’t want her children coping my sons quirky behaviour (which is rubbish, I have a younger daughter and she’s the complete opposite of DS).

YABU - you can’t stop him seeing his son

YANBU - stop him seeing him if he doesn’t become more consistent.

Sorry this is a bit long!

I'd send him an email and tell him that your son is saying that he doesn't want to see him because Ex is so unreliable. And that if he doesn't step up and start being consistent then he will permanently damage his relationship with his son.

Oh and I'd also add in that keeping him separated from his half-siblings is pretty disgraceful, as it suggests that your Ex is ashamed of his son.

Your ex sounds like a prize shit and his partner a total moron.

Personally I would stop contact but I’d be really clear about why. That it is because his inconsistent presence is very disruptive and upsetting to your DS. I would probably detain it in a letter or an email and suggest if he would like to formally arrange contact that he contact a solicitor. I doubt he would bother but it means everything would have to be arranged via either mediation or by court arrangement.

If it was a case of your ex just being a bit useless with timing or arranging things I’d feel differently as the relationship with his father is more important but it’s not, your ex and his new partner are actively harming your child in their treatment of him. He is not an option to be picked up and dropped as it suits, he’s a child and a child with additional needs.

YADNBU to stop contact until there is a genuine admission of failure and a big fucking apology from your ex.

As contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the dc yanbu to tell ex there is no benefits to ds going on right now.
Let him take you to court.

YANBU at all.

I'd stop it tbh. It's upsetting your DS and he is completely ignoring DS needs

He will either disappear completely or start fighting for "his rights".

You wouldn’t really be stopping contact though, would you? You’d just be supporting your son’s decision by no longer allowing his father to make your son feel guilty because he’s a shit dad.

Your ex sounds like a prize shit and his partner a total moron

I can’t really improve on this.

I have a son with HFA and this would be entirely unacceptable. What an awful man.

Your poor son

Your ex is a complete arsehole. You and your son absolutely should not have to tolerate it any longer.

I wouldn't stop contact abruptly. I'd insist on setting a clear schedule of when you'll make your child available for contact, and I wouldn't inconvenience yourself or facilitate contact outside of those times. I'd keep a note of whether he shows up and how much contact he avails himself of, and after a couple of months I'd email him setting out how much contact has happened and suggesting you'll make him available less often (assuming he doesn't turn up to all the contact you've offered).

If he did go to court, a court might well award him some contact, and then you'd be bound by a court order - so it's better to try and come to an agreement yourselves if you can.

TBH I would just stop contact your ex wait for him to approach you and plan your DS life as if contact won't happen.

When ex asks for DS, if he is free and wants to go then the answer is yes.