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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being pissed off at living away from family and friends?

33 replies

mimi03 · 01/10/2007 15:42

this is long but i just need to talk about it

moved house 2 weeks after ds was born. we moved about 300miles away- thats approx. 5 hour drive, to a new city, as my dp job is based there. its a good job with the potential for a nice pay rise at some point....he loves this job. im not working and at home all day with ds. i dont drive.

the company are paying our rent and bills at the mo....although this wont last forever. so on the one hand we have got it good.........on the other, IM BORED SHITLESS!!!. have met a few ppl through meet ups but have no family or long term friends. i feel like a hamster in a cage. like i say arrangements are temporary but what im i gonna do if we have to buy a house and stay up here? am i being unreasonable???

OP posts:
bossybritches · 01/10/2007 15:50

YANBU Mimi but you need to get out & about a bit more & start making new contacts, they won't come beating a path to your door,sadly!!

Would your HV have details of any M&T groups in the area or is there an NCT group near you?

What are your DP's new colleague's like?

Any wives partners of a similar age you could meet up with for a coffee/ Even if you don't make great friends with them they might be able to point you in the right direction of some child-friendly places.

How about taking the plunge & throwing a house-warming party even if it's a rental place. Nothing too formal maybe a w/e do & invite the neighbours?

It can be sooo daunting moving to a new area with a new baby too- you are very brave!

Fimbo · 01/10/2007 15:51

I moved from Scotland to England (and 8 hr journey away from friends and family) nearly 7 years ago.

My dd was 2.5 at the time. I joined as many toddler groups as I could and it was hard especially as I went to some and nobody at all spoke to you. I guess what helped me was that my dh had the foresight to rent us a property in the centre of town. So at the very least I had the shops etc to browse around because like you I can't drive. I managed to find different groups in church halls for 5 mornings and then we had a wander to town most days and had a play in the ELC or the likes. Some days we would walk up and meet dh after work.

I still live here and have since had my ds, I now live in a very nice village and am settled with a good circle of friends. I do miss my friends and family and it takes miltary planning to go "home" as its not a simple day trip or week-end trip. My parents visit us a lot, but they are upping sticks and moving down here to be near us (well dd & ds really!) which will be fantastic because after 7 years I will have babysitters and at long last dh and I can go out.

It is hard to move to a new place but you have to at least try.

1crazymumof2 · 01/10/2007 15:53

Hi mimi, just wanted to say you ANBU! I moved away from all my family and childhood friends in london just after birth of DD1, it has been very hard, i don't drive so we get to see them maybe once every 8 weeks, however as DH works down there when the oppurtunity arises i'm off like a shot! This has been to the dismay of some new RL friends,i know they think i'm quite flaky. Just stick with it, get out and socialise, go for a walk or swimming with DS, eventually you will find a group of people you feel close to. Good luck fighting the good fight!

Fimbo · 01/10/2007 15:53

Where are you? There may be mn'rs about!

LittlePoopsy · 01/10/2007 15:54

Hiya mimi03,
I don't think you're being unreasonable, to be honest I feel the same as you, my ds is six weeks old now and although I moved to where we live 18 months ago, feel totally isolated from family and close friends too. We used to run the local pub so were surrounded by people all the time, not utill we sold 2 months ago that you realise that these people are just customers and not really friends. Dont think you realise before having a baby how...eek...boring it can be looking after them on your own. I mean, dont get me wrong I love being a sahm and wouldnt want it any other way, just sometimes it can all get a bit tedious, the only actual person I have spoken to today is the postman, whoop!

Sorry, that just turned into a bit of a rant!
On other hand, if you google mum&baby for your area you can usually find something.

FLIER · 01/10/2007 15:56

mimi03, tell us where you are, may be a mnetter near you.

Original poster
mimi03 · 01/10/2007 15:59

ive been to some nm meet ups i arranged, met a few nice ppl who i see from time to time.....have been to lots of mother a nd baby groups, despite the fact i spend more time walking to them than i do actually being there!
dont get me wrong ive lived all over the place, moved counties lots of times but the difference is i was working and not a mother, working makes such a difference. i cant work here, trust me ive looked into it time and again.
dp has mentioned that he finds it hard and doesnt know what to do for the best as in stay or go back home.

OP posts:
Fimbo · 01/10/2007 16:00

I am in Norwich btw

Original poster
mimi03 · 01/10/2007 16:00

littlepoopsy- we used to run pubs too- hence why we moved around lots.....although we dont do that anymore. i think you just read my mind.......

OP posts:
Fimbo · 01/10/2007 16:03

There are no jobs in my dh's field in Scotland nor at the pay level he is on, so we can't go back until he retires, only 20 odd years to go then

LittlePoopsy · 01/10/2007 16:04

it's hard isn't it, soooo glad we got out of the game before lo was born, but is a bit of a shock to the system when you're used to entertaining and being around people all the time

Original poster
mimi03 · 01/10/2007 16:05

im in lincoln, i have met other mumsnetters up here, in fact i get on really well with one of them but she lives the otherside of town and i cant always expect her to drive round mine- plus she has a life! isnt sat at home all day like me!!!

OP posts:
chocolatemummy · 01/10/2007 16:05

I found exactly the same. I moved 200 miles away and was okay until I had baby. We then moved out of town just about 5 miles along the coast (because could afford a family home rather than single persons box)and everything went down hill. I lost touch with most friends because they lived in the town and didn't drive, had no children and BIg social lives etc. Tried lots of mum and toddler groups and went to a few mumsnet meet ups but most of the time just felt really isolated and bored and eventually when dd was almost 3 we moved back home.
It was the best thing we ever did because now our weekends are full of family fun and alot of my old friend had grown up and have children too and we have more money as cheaper area so can afford to do much more.
DD now knows who grandma and aunties and cousins are as she used to forget inbetween visits. Follow gut feeling I say

Original poster
mimi03 · 01/10/2007 16:09

oh fimbo dont say that! - my heart sinks for you and chocolatemummy im seriously thinking of having along talk with dp tonight....im sure it will end in tears, but i cant go on saying 'oh its ok im not that bothered about living here'

OP posts:
saltire · 01/10/2007 16:10

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have just moved to the south of England a 7 hour drive from my parents, and 8 1/2 hours from IL's. It goes with the territory of DH's job (military) but for the first time in 14 years I want to go home. I'm bored stupid, none of the neighbours speak, DH's work is 9 miles away and none of them live here, so I don't know any of the wives and partners. There is bugger all for the DSes to do, my health is suffering because I ahve had to change doctors. We can't go out because there are no babysitters, no one is near enough to be able to pop down for a weekend, whereas in Scotland they did.
DH hates his job and for the first time in the 16 years I've known him he wants out.
So, no you're not being unreasonable

Original poster
mimi03 · 01/10/2007 16:14

wow saltire....it sounds like you guys have had enough! at least you both feel the sme about the situation tho. i feel i f i kick up a fuss nd we move home, he could end up resenting me for it and we would be no happier. but today i have been so depressed. its the same old thing. i think 'ok shall i walk up the shops AGAIN or stay in and go made watching cebbies? what a choice?!

OP posts:
Fimbo · 01/10/2007 16:16

I guess if I pushed my dh we would move back, we almost did about 18 months ago, but on the same day he was going to tell his boss he wanted to go back and work in the Scottish office, they offered him a promotion. I always end up feeling sad when I am in Scotland and have to come back.

saltire · 01/10/2007 16:16

Thing is though, if DH puts his papers in now he will lose the promotion pension, so needs to do at least 2 years, then it will be another year after that before he gets out.

collision · 01/10/2007 16:16

why dont you learn to drive and get some independance?

chocolatemummy · 01/10/2007 16:17

yes the babysitter thing was a nightmare most of my childless 'mates' ran a mile when I asked them to babysit and then moaned when I could never go out with them?

I moved from the midlands to the south coast and found it really hard to make friends its so clicky and career orientated. Working mums seemed to be an oddity. You either never had kids or you did but gave up work or had a nannny. I found it very, very hard and am glad to be home.

Money isn't everything and even if you think you live in the best, trendy, coolest place it means nothing if you are lonely and kids grow up not knowing their family

Fimbo · 01/10/2007 16:21

I am too nervous to drive. I had lessons for 2 years and still was no where nere good enough to sit my test and have now given up on the idea. I practically lived on Immodium for 2 years too. I am not stuck because I can get the bus fairly easily and am within walking distance of a park & ride.

Tbh I fritter away a lot of time on MN through boredom.

Original poster
mimi03 · 01/10/2007 16:22

i have just got my provisional, but 1) i have no one to babysit and 2)cant really afford20quid a lesson or whatever it is now.

OP posts:
collision · 01/10/2007 16:26

but if DHs company are paying the rent then you could afford lessons and these days instructors do lessons all week so DH could babysit!!!!

chocolatemummy · 01/10/2007 16:27

oh you sound just like I was. I used to spend hours on mumsnet but now I only really get chance to go when I am at work!

just go home and surely if you are happier, then your kids will be happier and then you dh etc etc
get some excitement and start looking at potetnial houses etc back home on rightmove and once you have done it you'll wonder why it took you so long.

Lilymaid · 01/10/2007 16:32

No, YANBU. Similar happened to me when my DH was relocated. I resented the fact that I and DSs were moved (and considered) like furniture. It gets better when you get to know more people, get involved, but I never really felt at home until DH and I decided jointly to move on to a completely new area again.

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