Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to talk to MIL

41 replies

MrPenguin · 31/07/2020 17:56

MIL recently told me that my partner and I are obviously bad parents and doing a bad job raising our son, as he can get really frustrated, can be loud or not sit still sometimes, and not always follow instructions. He's 7 and has autism... She doesnt see anything wrong with this and I've put up with her snide comments and questioning my parenting for years as my partner doesnt want an argument and my son likes her.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 31/07/2020 19:23

First off,as a mother of a special needs young adult,you deserve love,empathy and compassion-the exact opposite of what your MIL is giving you. She,for one,apparently has no understanding of children with autism or children at all. One of the hardest jobs in the world is to raise special needs children!
You can respond cheerfully "Well,MIL, thanks for your expert opinion; remind me where did you receive your degree in child psychology?" Of you can just reply "Mmhmm" and change the subject or say "Oh,just wait until we leave to present us with our parenting performance evaluation"

JuniperFather · 31/07/2020 19:26

What has she actually said (I surmise you're paraphrasing)

Has your partner spoken to her?

mbosnz · 31/07/2020 19:29

Or you could give her the MN patented 'DFOD' look, and enjoy her trying to explain this to DH while you sit there clearly all asail in limpid confusion. And just get on with parenting your child and trying not to murder your husband or your MIL.

Babdoc · 31/07/2020 19:32

It’s a MN cliche but true nonetheless - you don’t have a MIL problem you have a DH problem.
His mother is disrespecting, insulting and upsetting his wife. His loyalty should be to you, not his mother.
He should tell her that her criticism of you is rude, inappropriate, uncalled for, and a repetition will not be tolerated. If he won’t do this, then he really doesn’t have your back and is more worried about upsetting mummy. Time he grew up.

Original poster
MrPenguin · 31/07/2020 19:46

Nope, that's exactly what she said. With the exception of " I'm sure deep down you know you're not bringing him up right".

OP posts:
Original poster
MrPenguin · 31/07/2020 19:47

I'm the father btw.

OP posts:
KittCat · 31/07/2020 19:48

Yanbu!

Shizzlestix · 31/07/2020 20:03

She wouldn’t be allowed in my house. What does your wife say?

AnnieCartwright · 31/07/2020 20:07

@MrPenguin

I'm the father btw.
Try saying your DW obviously learnt how to parent from her Mother?
crosshatching · 31/07/2020 20:07

Hmph! I have a child with ASD too, I'll 'speak' to her for you if you like!

SomeWateryTart · 31/07/2020 20:10

YANBU, what an awful thing to say to you and your DP Angry. "I'm sure you know deep down..." Hmm? No, just no. Sorry you and your DP have had to listen to that Flowers.

Sunnyrainshowers · 31/07/2020 20:14

Your wife needs to have a word with her mother. I wouldn't be darkening her door again in any case, and I wouldn't be shy about letting her know why. Cheek!

honeybeetheoneandonly · 31/07/2020 20:48

How much is MIL in your (family) life? How does MIL treat your son?
I think you need to discuss with your partner how to handle it.
I agree that it's rarely worth the aggro to have it out with them, esp if you don't see each other that often. Doesn't mean you just have to swallow every comment.
Next time she says something like "...deep down you know..." Just say that you don't and leave it at that.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 31/07/2020 20:50

Ask mil straight where she got her SN qualifications from
...
She sounds a nasty woman.

Cam2020 · 31/07/2020 21:04

Does your MIL babysit much? I'd love to see her cope with an autistic child!

You're not doing a bad job. Autistic children are a challenge and all those things you listed are not usual at all. She has no idea how hard it can be to mitigate their moods and deal with meltdowns, while sometimes not receiving much affection in return. It's bloody hard and the patience and love required is not to be underestimated. You're doing a great job.

I think people who grow up having arsehole parents just get used to it and learn to shrug it off. They underestimate just how much of an arsehole they actually are, quote often until its their partner who is hurt or offended. Your partner might want to turn a blind eye, but there's no reason why you should put up with disrespectful and undermining behaviour.

Original poster
MrPenguin · 07/08/2020 16:37

::update::
My son does like Nana, and they do see him at least once a fortnight with a sleepover at least once a month.
Just dropped him off for a sleepover, I'm in the car while Dp goes in. I didnt want to go but her arm hurts so I drove.
Shes decided to stay for a cup of tea, didnt tell me this and we are meant to be going to the shop to get a prescription and then home so I can cook dinner.
Mil comes out and says dp is having a cup a d am I coming in, I calmly say no thank you , I'm fine listening to my audiobook.
She starts a tirade that this isnt acceptable, I very calmly state that I do not wish to talk to her at this time and that I found what she said very offensive.
She starts calling me pathetic and talking over me, somehow I still stay calm and dont raise my voice once (perhaps retail experience and being a secondary school teacher helps) while she stomps off.
Dp sends me a message- "if you're not doing anything can you go get my prescription".

OP posts:
Original poster
MrPenguin · 07/08/2020 16:38

Sleepover tends to be around dinner time to normally 11 ish, she cant take much more.

OP posts:
Lolapusht · 07/08/2020 16:40

Ah...you have a DP problem OP ☹️

Howyiz · 07/08/2020 16:41

I would have gone in, got my child and told her to fuck off!

Original poster
MrPenguin · 07/08/2020 16:51

I missed that after saying I found what she said upset6and offensive she replied, so you really think you're doing a good job parenting him? -(offensive tone of voice)

OP posts:
NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 07/08/2020 16:54

Have you tried communicating like adults? Maybe she doesn't understand what autism involves and, I understand, many children are considered to just be misbehaving by those who haven't come across autism before.

I would explain how hurt you are by what she has said and explain your child's behaviour and difficulties. Perhaps point her in the direction of some on-line information or a book that might help her understand.

Also, have a chat with your wife as you need to be on the same page about this and ensure you are supportive of each other.

MumW · 07/08/2020 16:59

She clearly doesn't understand your DS's needs and I'd be questioning whether it was appropriate to leave him with her.

AnnaMagnani · 07/08/2020 17:02

Does she have the same conversations with her daughter or is it all your fault?

And what is she like with your son if she thinks he is so badly brought up and badly behaved? I'd be questioning how well she can manage him and what she does when neither of you are there.

wineandroses1 · 07/08/2020 17:12

Has your DP not put her mother straight? As per previous poster; you have a DP problem.

I'd be looking to curtail the visits, and I wouldn't be fetching DP's prescription either.

Original poster
MrPenguin · 12/08/2020 00:21

New update. Dp has asked me to apologise to MIL, to make her life easier.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread