30 minutes for lunch

[CupOfTeaAlonePlease]

My husband is WFH upstairs and out of the way. I am on maternity leave with a baby and two toddlers. We have no childcare at all due to COVID. I have also other demands on my time (study, caring, SN of one child) but I won't bore you with details,

In the rare event both the toddlers are napping, my husband comes down and has lunch with me.

If either or both of the toddlers are awake, my husband fixes himself a sandwich and then goes back to eat it in the office while reading the news or mucking around online.

His lunch break is one hour. As I watched him ascend the stairs, leaving me with three needy grumpy children, it occurred to me that I could use a union.

I proposed that we each get 30 minutes of his lunch break and 30 minutes with the children. and he dismissed me out of hand. He said if he was working in the city then I'd be on my own anyway, and my time caring for the kids alone is almost two hours shorter because he has no commute. He also said that I have a 'break' when the kids all nap, but they rarely overlap and even then I have to run around doing chores while I can.

So, 30 minutes each. AIBU?

He sounds like an absolute twat OP. So selfish. I wouldn’t put up with that. When’s your lunch break?! Looking after three children is way harder than sitting at a desk

What an asshat. His argument is pointless, because he's not in the city is he? He's at home. Following the same logic, you could be at a job somewhere else too if you had one

It sounds like he takes you for granted.

Your H is a prick!
Hope he has redeeming qualities.

Absolute twat. Send the children to his office 😂

Is he finishing half an hour earlier at the end of the day?
If he is then let it go. If he isn't then kick up a stink.

Well 2 can play at that game. Tell him to start work ½ hour earlier & finish ½ hour later and give you an hour break. He's still be "winning" by an hour because of the lack of commute.

Honestly though he sounds like an arsehole. Walking away from someone you care about just so you can eat & play on the internet, when an easy compromise would help sounds like a horrible thing to do.

What Shazshaz says!

We used to live about 10 minutes away from my DH’s work. He’d use his hour to come home & sit with our DS while he ate (usually sharing his food) & I could either sit with them or go take a shower etc.

He’s being a self important knob

YANBU! I'd be fuming. I really hate this how things just often seem to be a lot easier for the Dad, whilst it is Mum who makes all the sacrifices and works herself into the ground.
Keep making your point, hopefully he comes around. You deserve a break.

Bottom line is that he's looking to justify time spent away from his children.

Ask him why he doesn't want to spend time with his kids

@CupOfTeaAlonePlease OP I really like your proposal! 👍👍👍

(I might just casually leave him to it if he resists and you just shut the door behind you and go for a walk, have a cuppa alone!😉 ) 💐

If things were normal and he was in the City, you could be accessing childcare or other support.YANBU to suggest 30mins each. I imagine that would make a massive difference to your energy levels and wellbeing, compared to him just having longer to piss around. Why should you get no break?

'So you deserve an hour's lunch break when you're working at a desk, but I don't deserve a minute because I'm only looking after a baby and toddlers? How is that fair?'

He is being a complete arse. He has an easy opportunity to make life easier for you, but he's choosing not to. Honestly, I'm angry for you. The only way I think you can make him see how unfair this is is to take off for an hour (doesn't matter where) as soon as he finishes work. That's your lunch hour. Hopefully that's tea and bath time.

He said if he was working in the city then I'd be on my own anyway, and my time caring for the kids alone is almost two hours shorter because he has no commute

If he is looking after the children during those two hours then I can see his point.

I actually disagree with everyone.
He’s working.
Lunch break is for relaxing/eating before going back to work. It’s still part of the working day.

He should do childcare times/chores outside of his working hours.

Yeah, sorry I disagree. Unless he has a seriously cushy job where he spends a lot of his work time chilling, he is entitled to his hour of down time for lunch.

@gutentag1

Yeah, sorry I disagree. Unless he has a seriously cushy job where he spends a lot of his work time chilling, he is entitled to his hour of down time for lunch.

When does the OP get her hour of downtime from caring for 3 children all day?

*Yeah, sorry I disagree. Unless he has a seriously cushy job where he spends a lot of his work time chilling, he is entitled to his hour of down time for lunch.

I actually disagree with everyone.
He’s working.
Lunch break is for relaxing/eating before going back to work. It’s still part of the working day.

He should do childcare times/chores outside of his working hours.*

I would almost stake my life on neither of these posters having children

At his finish time, get yourself ready and wait for him to come down the stairs. When he does, tell him you are going out and will be back in one hour. Then leave without giving him any chance to object.

Wow. I just don't understand how someone can actually enjoy their 60 min on their own, and relax properly, knowing their partner and 3 kids are only just managing (well I would be, with 3 hat young) a few metres away. Most people would want to help their partner then. He is incredibly selfish. When do you get half an hour in the day to just sit and look at your phone or whatever. I'd seriously be wondering what kind of person I married.

It's like arguments over housework that a lot of people seem to have. Men that are perfectly happy to sit on their arse and watch their partner run themselves ragged tidying and cleaning and sorting kids stuff until bedtime, and either say 'you should have asked' or worse that they need a break. What kind of partnership is it where one person is happy for the other one to do a lot more than them? In my opinion it's an unequal partnership where one person thinks they are much more important and doesnt value the other person or think their needs for downtime are as great as their own

Why is there no childcare?

I kind of agree with your dp though, its his lunchbreak and you need to act as if he isn't there.

However, if he spends some lunchtimes with you then i would expect him to do it every day regardless of how many children were awake.

When he finishes for the day, leave him with the 3 kids and go out for a walk, or the gym, or just upstairs for an hour of you time

“Oh you’re right! I’ll take the commute time instead! Mornings Tuesday Tuesday, evenings the other days. Right, kids, it’s Friday. You’re with daddy for a while! Bye!”

Honestly I'm convinced that fathers of young children are a lot more productive working from home that in the office. My husband isn't able to skive/enjoy his lunch break hardly at all but I don't think it's due to his workload

He obviously does not want to spend time with his children. Sounds selfish and a crap father.

Tough one. I’m the other way round to you, DH has been doing full time childcare while he’s been furloughed while I’ve been working from home. We usually eat lunch together and then DH disappears upstairs for a 30 minute break while I take over the childcare until the end of my lunch break. He then expects me to take over from 5.30 to bedtime while he has more of a break. It means my working day effectively runs from 8am to 7pm with no breaks whatsoever, while he does 8.30-5.30 with a 30 minute break. Which to me is pretty unfair!

Your proposal that you both get a half hour break during the day seems more equitable in my opinion.