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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop my divorce?

20 replies

Maisie54321 · 31/07/2020 08:38

Mid divorce but having a major wobble. I don’t think I want to split up. Has anyone stopped divorcing mid divorce, got back together and it has worked out? I don’t know how DH feels. Communication is our problem.

YABU = continue with the divorce, it’s for the best, don’t say anything.
YANBU = find out how DH feels and risk looking a fool.

OP posts:

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 31/07/2020 08:40

What's going to change OP? Has he done anything to improve his communication? I think it's normal to have a wobble about it but if nothing has fundamentally changed you will find yourself back here

Hazelnutlatteplease · 31/07/2020 08:40

Surely you should be talking to him about this?. I would definitely say communication is still a problem

Kat92 · 31/07/2020 08:42

I guess it all depends upon why you wanted to divorce in the first place. If it is purely that communication was a problem, then that is something that can be worked on IF you both want to. However, if it was something like DV then I would suggest you continue with the divorce.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/07/2020 08:43

With the information you've supplied, no one can possibly give you an answer.
The only thing you can possibly do is talk to your husband.

lookatmememe · 31/07/2020 08:44

Keep going, divorce and pull yourself away . If you still want to go back when you are totally free, so be it. But give yourself the chance to be free first. They might appreciate you all the more for having the balls to see it through. Stay strong.

Original poster

Maisie54321 · 31/07/2020 08:44

I think the crux of the split is down to terrible communication. There has been no DV or abuse of any kind!

OP posts:

ShebaShimmyShake · 31/07/2020 08:50

If there's been no abuse...

Presumably you loved each other once, might still do, and have already seen each other in various embarrassing states...I don't see what you have to lose in asking him. If it doesn't work then it won't be the first time you've looked silly and if he's not abusive then there's no reason to think he'll hold it over you. Given that communication is the problem, you might as well give it a try.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 31/07/2020 08:51

If you are posting on a public forum instead of speaking to your DH I don't think you've resolved your communication issues.

Why don't you speak to your DH first?

ittakes2 · 31/07/2020 09:13

Do you see the irony in saying your divorce is due to poor communication but you are asking a bunch of strangers on the internet if you should share your feelings with the man you married? For goodness sake just tell him - nothing list except your pride but better to speak up then spend years wondering.

GinDrinker00 · 31/07/2020 09:15

Wouldn’t you speak to your husband about this? You can’t just decide not to divorce after all without even so much as a conversation? What if he still wants too?

thepeopleversuswork · 31/07/2020 09:19

Hard to know without more detail: you say “communication” but would be good to know what that means in practice. Can you give some examples?

Do you know how he feels about things? Does he want to stop the divorce? Is he trying to meet you half way on the problem?

My gut reaction is that if it’s bad enough for you have wanted to divorce and the fact you’re posting on here rather than talking to him suggests this is just nerves about taking a big step as opposed to a serious consideration that you are making a big mistake, but I may be wrong.

Coldspringharbour · 31/07/2020 09:27

There’s definitely a communication problem if you’re asking mumsnetters rather than speaking to him. Can you meet him and have a chat and suss out what he thinks about it all. Don’t throw a marriage away if it’s something you can sort, and you think you can be happy again.

KurriKawari · 31/07/2020 09:31

Have you tried mediation/couples counselling that can help you communicate?

Whitegrenache · 31/07/2020 09:36

Very similar situation to myself - I decided to spit in June - dp had a major wobble and told me he still loved me - we agreed to try again and our biggest issue is communication too. We are going to get some therapy and we have a proper chat once a week and have been honest about what needs to change. It's certainly doable but my advice would
Be to get some professional help

Regularsizedrudy · 31/07/2020 10:04

You posted the same thing yesterday? Did you not get the answer you wanted?

Lifeisconfusing · 31/07/2020 10:05

Even if it hurts your pride speak to your dh and seek counselling you’ve got nothing to loose except your marriage if you don’t do it xx

Techway · 31/07/2020 11:55

Some people do halt divorce proceedings so YANBU it is why there is a delay between applying and finalising.

However think about why you wanted to divorce? No one really wants to divorce, they want the happy ever after or even mostly happy ever after..it isn't reality however for some marriages.

If no abuse then I always suggest you work through issues but communication is critical and if he stonewalls that is abusive.

Crankley · 31/07/2020 14:51

There's no-one here who can give you the answer - only your DH can do that.

Yeahnahmum · 31/07/2020 15:00

You cant communicate with your dh. Pretty good reason to proceed with the divorce. You are just experiencing cold feet as you are about to close a big chapter of a book. Remind yourself why you are in this mid divorce situation in the first place. You wouldn't be here if your marriage was great.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 31/07/2020 15:03

@Maisie54321 - I think this is a great (and possibly the final) opportunity to talk to your hubby about it.
Get dinner in, sit him down and talk! If you are into wine then maybe a glass or so would come handy - just to loosen your tongues 😉

He is the only one who can answer it. You need to know why you are divorcing. Be pragmatic, rather than lament on those ‘happy days’ from 20 years ago 💐 - good luck!

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