I'm fed up being the family worrier. I want dh's laid back persona.

[ssd]

I don't want to waste time worrying about every last feckin thing... The boys / work/ money / bills / health / the future / bloody corona virus and if normal life will ever resume.

I want to be dh and have what's happening in my favourite sport as my motivation. Who has signed, transferred, whatever.

And sod the big stuff.

I'm a worrier and my fiance much more laid back.

What works for me is thinking, i will worry if he worries. Because then I will know it is genuine cause for concern and not just my unnecessary rumination!

@Wolfgirrl

I'm a worrier and my fiance much more laid back.

What works for me is thinking, i will worry if he worries. Because then I will know it is genuine cause for concern and not just my unnecessary rumination!

This resonates so much with me. I go into panic mode if DH is worried about something because then it must be serious!! I’m a worrier by nature.

OP I hear you. I bear most of the mental load here too. I can’t just not, cos things Won’t get done. DH and I have talked until we are blue in the face about it, he WANTS to be helpful and reduce my anxiety etc but it just doesn’t come naturally and that annoys me.

“What do you need me to do?” Is the most annoying phrase ever. I don’t need you to do anything, your house/family/life needs stuff doing which you need to work the fuck out. Argh!!!!

Why is it always me???

Because you have two X chromosomes, I think.

DP is exactly the same. Nothing would get done if I didn't do it myself or spend an almost equal amount of time/energy nagging him to do it.

It's not just him, previous partners have been just as bad.

I sometimes wish I was gay, so I could be in a relationship with another adult who gets stuff done. But he is lovely, and at least he cooks, shops and occasionally cleans. And he always puts the shopping away, which is a job I hate.

I sympathise with this as both myself and my daughter have generalised anxiety, so our brains are constantly on the lookout for things to worry about.

Dd is on medication, I get betablockers anyway. But what we've both found is that medication isn't enough: we also need to actively train our anxiety to recognise that we are in charge, that is we say "we're not going there" that is what's going to happen, just as is we were telling a toddler "no, you can't stay at the park all night, you have to wave bye-bye to the swings now".

I use visualising techniques to make my brain recognise that I am actively choosing not to go down a certain path: my favourite one is one where I walk down a country path and come to a crossroad and choose not to go down the fork that has "Unhelpful Thoughts" written on the signpost.

I use daydreams to put between me and the anxious thoughts. Dd uses physical distractions like colouring-in books.

You might need to try a few things to find something that works for you.

thebigredbutton
I think our DHs are from the same catalogue!!
Mine cooks and believes this equates to doing at least half the stuff around the house. If we go on holiday abroad I pack, sort passports, accomodation details, insurance, car breakdown if we're driving, boarding passes etc. He throws a few clothes in a bag , puts his wallet in his pocket, and says "I dont know why people make such a big deal of going on holiday?" and 20 minutes into the journey will ask if "we" have packed sun cream, towels, body boards etc
He went on a lads break a few years ago and as i wasnt going i didnt do anything about it. Bloody hell youd think he was organising space exploration programme, instead of a short easy jet break, the fuss he made about having to sort out insurance and his own boarding pass!!

I bear most of the mental load here too. I can’t just not, cos things Won’t get done.

But I think you're conflating the same two things as the OP (1) being overloaded with actual household chores and admin with a partner that doesn't do his share and (2) generalised worrying. Absolutely your spouse/partner should be taking an equal share in household tasks/life admin and if he doesn't, that needs addressing. But that's an entirely separate issue to a generalised tendency to worry.

I mean, I can entirely understand being hugely angry and resentful if I had a partner who didn't do his share of housework and admin, and left me with the lion's share, but I still don't see those chores as sources of 'worry' in themselves.

Maybe not worry then, maybe 'care' is more appropriate in these situations
I care the bin is out in time as its emptied every weeks and would be a nightmare if it wasn't put out.
I care we are properly insured.
I care we have loo rolls etc

Dh doesn't need to bother as he knows I'll do it eventually.

@Mothermorph
I found answering the did you pack question with “I don’t know did you pack it?” a few times got the message through.

@ssd list all the jobs and allocate responsibility. Make sure some of his jobs have a negative impact on him if it isn’t done then stand back. This is the hard part - stay standing back even if you are itching to step in.

the Dr gave me sertraline but I haven't started it yet, Im worried about the side effects and getting hooked on it.

If you're like me, you won't get hooked. You'll get a break from yourself for a while, until you are so much better that you no longer need the medication.