To ask if abusive people can change...

[Jadefeather7]

Have been discussing this with a friend and would like to know whether it’s possible for someone who is verbally or physically abusive to change or whether at the first sign of such behaviour the relationship should be ended? For example would punishing such a person stop them from behaving in this way or could therapy help them overcome whatever issues have made them like this?

Of course they can change, if they want to.

That doesn't mean you should hang around and wait for them to do so.

There are services/counselling/group work sessions etc which help abusers to see what their behaviour does to their victims and helps them to change.

Whether or not it works though is a different question! Don’t think I’ve got an answer for that one!

My ex boyfriend was abusive, but he seems to be in a happy relationship now. I know the woman he is now with a I don’t think she would be with him if he treated her like he did me... so maybe they can change?

I think they can change if they go to therapy, address their demons head on and seriously work on changing their behaviour.
I dont think any partner should be a punching bag though.
If you or your friends partner is being abusive I would be end the relationship now and encourage the person to seek help. Staying with then is just enabling their toxic behaviour and it won't ever get better.

Maybe. Maybe not. But don't stick around to find out! Get out, ASAP.

Yes they can, but it takes a lot of hard work. Mostly it's easier for them to either change the methods of abuse or find a new partner to abuse.

Rarely do they change when they are with a partner that they are abusing.

I have no idea. I think more of myself to stick around and take the risk.

No, I personally think it makes them feel better about their inequalities to the human race,it gives them a false strength that makes them feel better about themselves for a short time. It is short lived as the demons come back so they have to keep doing it.

It totally depends on whether or not they can see that what they're doing is wrong and also whether they care enough to want to change. I had a friend years ago who told me she would hit her bf when they were teenagers during bad arguments, usually if she'd had a drink, because that's how her parents behaved and she thought it was normal and how people expressed anger. It wasn't until she was an adult and exposed to other people and saw how dysfunctional her parents were that she realised she had been horribly abusive. She was so ashamed and never hit anyone else again. She was nearly crying when she told me and her hands were trembling through shame.

It’s funny how I don’t think they can change and I have never been in an abuse relationship.

Thanks, we were also discussing whether a person who is being subjected to abusive behaviour should respond to the abuse themselves or whether that will just antagonise the other person more eg if your partner was shouting at you or if they slapped you would you do the same or not react and then deal with it later when they have calmed down.

Bump

I don't think retaliation is the answer but neither would I put up with anyone slapping me. I would dump someone at the first red flag

They can, but most often they don't.

Abusive people can change but it requires them to recognise they have a problem and that they genuinely want to change. The overwhelming majority don't meet both tests.

In general I wouldn't antagonise an angry person, they are too wound up and not thinking in a rational manner - it's easier to make someone think about a situation and their behaviour later, when they are removed from that situation.

If they were shouting at me I'd (try to) hold the moral highground and speak calmly to them, remove myself from the situation and address it when they had cooled off.

If someone hit me I would do whatever it took to get myself out of there, phone the police and have no contact with them again except possibly through my solicitor.

I’m sure a few can, but it takes a lot of hard work. IMO, most don’t because they don’t recognise they are wrong.

My dad was abusive to my mum, ended up being abusive in different ways to his kids. He takes the moral high ground because he “changed” but can’t see how the other types of abuse are as bad as physical.

Of course they can change but there are very complex dynamics underlying this kind of behaviour; it doesn't happen by accident. A need for control and power over others is not coming from a place of contentment and security. The person has first of all got to recognise there is a problem, to then want to change, be willing to enter and remain in the process and that takes courage; it's much easier to carry on as you always have than face the pain that this level of introspection demands. As for leaving at the first sign of abuse, I would definitely leave if the abuser was not ready to accept their issues and take ownership of them. It's very sad really as help is out there and lasting progress can be made if one can tolerate some temporary discomfort but normally they continue to carry on damaging others while remaining deeply unhappy themselves and divorced from their unique potential as human beings.

In my experience, responding to the abuse led to further more serious abuse.

I think some abusers can change. Others won't because they don't believe they're in the wrong. It's everyone else's fault. Those abusers will never change

@Jadefeather7

Thanks, we were also discussing whether a person who is being subjected to abusive behaviour should respond to the abuse themselves or whether that will just antagonise the other person more eg if your partner was shouting at you or if they slapped you would you do the same or not react and then deal with it later when they have calmed down.

Are you sure you're having a discussion and not just looking for answers for your homework or an article?

Um no I’m not a student or a journalist. I’m simply interested in people’s experiences

@CHIRIBAYA

Of course they can change but there are very complex dynamics underlying this kind of behaviour; it doesn't happen by accident. A need for control and power over others is not coming from a place of contentment and security. The person has first of all got to recognise there is a problem, to then want to change, be willing to enter and remain in the process and that takes courage; it's much easier to carry on as you always have than face the pain that this level of introspection demands. As for leaving at the first sign of abuse, I would definitely leave if the abuser was not ready to accept their issues and take ownership of them. It's very sad really as help is out there and lasting progress can be made if one can tolerate some temporary discomfort but normally they continue to carry on damaging others while remaining deeply unhappy themselves and divorced from their unique potential as human beings.

CHIRIBAYA I just wanted to say that you sound like a very wise person.

In response to your second post it generally doesn’t matter what the person being abused does - I tried fighting back, going to bed as soon as I realised how things were going, trying to placate the person. It made no difference and actually the more I tried to placate sometimes the worse it was as at least when I fought back they felt they could put the blame on me for it too.
But yes I do think people can change with time and therapy but rarely while in a relationship where they’re being abusive and they have to recognise and admit to their behaviour. I’ve worked with dozens of perpetrators and come across 2 who admit to it and didn’t seek to blame their partner.

If you're someone in an abusive relationship and you recently had someone punish the abuser on your behalf and hope that might have changed something: No. It changed nothing. Your abuser did not learn a lesson.

Don't let your abuser back again, because it will only get worse and you do not deserve that in your life. (Double if you have children.) If anything next time it'll be worse because the abuser has been humiliated and is going to take that out on the easiest target: you. If you think otherwise, you're kidding yourself. Please don't let your abuser back.

I have seen an abusive individual make a massive personality change. I will always worry that things could change at any time so I keep my boundaries, but so far it looks to be a real adjustment. He had to get psychiatric help, go to therapy, and endure the traumatic death of his wife of nearly 50 years.

@safariboot

Maybe. Maybe not. But don't stick around to find out! Get out, ASAP.

^ this! Observe it from a distance!